Padraig O'Morain's guide to managing life.
We are all familiar with the idea that what matters in life is not what happens to us but our attitude to what happens to us. It is one of those ideas that has been around for at least a couple of thousand years and which people rediscover every now and then.
The idea is the cornerstone of the "cognitive behavioural therapy" movement and the theme of this article - change irrational beliefs - is taken from the work of Albert Ellis, one of the icons of that movement.
Ellis insists that many of our troubles stem from irrational, everyday beliefs.
For example, suppose I have a belief that it's important everyone thinks well of me (and I do). Say I'm at a party and four people come up and tell me what a great guy I am. There I am, swelling with pride, pretending to modestly demur, drinking it all it. Number five comes up and I beam and wait for the
compliments. I just want to let you know, number five says, that you're a lousy conversationalist, a bore, a lamentable resser and the size of your ego is limited only by the extent of your stupidity.
Well! We all know who I'm going to be thinking about the next day don't we? Yes, Mister Number Five.
Why? OK, so I think it's important everyone thinks well of me but four out of five isn't bad, is it?
Of course not, Ellis would say, but there's a second, unspoken, irrational part to the belief that's causing the trouble. The irrational bit goes "and if everybody doesn't think well of me it will be terrible".
Challenge the irrational part of the belief, Ellis advises. Where is the law that says everyone has to think well of you? Who says the six point something billion people on the planet, who have enough troubles to cope with as it is, must go around thinking you're
a great guy?
According to Ellis, we have hundreds of these demands - and take it from me, he's right, I have most of them- but he boils them down to these three:
1. I absolutely must do important things well and people must approve of me for doing so. If not, I am a worthless person.
2. Other people absolutely must treat me kindly and fairly. Otherwise, they are bad people.
3. The conditions under which I live absolutely must be easy and pleasant. Otherwise I cannot enjoy life at all.
Challenge these attitudes, Ellis advises: Who says you absolutely must do things well? Do you know people who don't do everything well but who get on just fine? Of course you do. Who says everyone must treat you kindly and fairly? Were you ever unfair to anyone? Does it make you a bad person? So, you refuse to enjoy life just because you don't get things easy?
Here's a hot tip: hardly anybody gets things easy but they manage to have a little fun anyhow. Go on. Force yourself.
This is not a plea to become a callous, dishonest, lazy, hedonistic slob - though I don't deny it has its attractions. Irrational beliefs generally have nothing to do with conscience or principles.
It's a suggestion that you eliminate the irrational "musts" from your life.
Life, you know, will bring you enough troubles: no need to double or treble them with irrationalattitudes.
Challenge irrational beliefs
Everyday irrational beliefs bring unnecessary stress into our lives.
These include the belief that it is terrible if we do not do well, if other people do not treat us as we want, or if life is uncomfortable.
We can liberate ourselves by challenging these beliefs: we are still worthwhile persons even if we do badly, it is disappointing but not terrible if people don't treat us kindly and we can still enjoy life even if conditions are not what we want them to be.
Based on the ideas of Dr Albert Ellis who developed Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy.
Albert Ellis Institute:http://www.rebt.org/
Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Over the next 12 weeks he will cover a range of subjects aimed at improving mental well-being.