MIND MOVES:Honesty is the best policy in relationships
A FRIEND of mine, who runs an NGO in Scotland, discovered recently that her staff had been harbouring resentment towards her for some time. A long tough winter, where she was often out of the office, had left them feeling very unsupported.
While she welcomed hearing how they felt, she expressed surprise that it had taken them so long to be honest with her. She was also frustrated that they had been talking among themselves for some time and creating stories around the experience. This had made the whole business more complicated and confusing than it ever needed to be.
From childhood, my friend had believed that if she was open and honest with people, they in turn would reciprocate. Her organisation had a clear code of conduct where the opportunity to air discontent was available and encouraged. So it puzzled and disappointed her that her staff had been so slow to getting around to saying how they felt.
What struck me about her conundrum was that her staff had in fact been open with her, even if it had taken them time to get around to being honest. This was in all likelihood a tribute to the atmosphere of openness she had created. Maybe it hadn’t been easy for them, because being truthful is rarely easy.
Nothing can change until we name what’s not working, and yet we hesitate to speak the truth. We fear the heat of an honest encounter, uncertain whether it will lead to a positive resolution, worried it may make everything worse. We may be frightened that our openness will provoke the rage of another, and leave a residue of resentment.
There are some grounds for these fears. I have repeatedly seen couples where both have agreed to speak truthfully about their respective feelings, but where the honesty of one of them was greeted with, “How dare you feel that way, that’s completely unreasonable”, by the other.
Our deepest hurts and resentments are often about the small things that a partner, friend or colleague does. They can seem petty, and who wants to sound petty? Rather than risk ridicule, we may choose to keep our feelings to ourselves.
It may be hard to show that we are angry about something, but when we hold it inside the chances are that it will leak out in subtle but destructive ways. The hurt and anger we don’t own up to becomes meanness. We take a step back from the other and communicate less with them. We may withdraw our support from them or drop an unkind word about them into conversations with mutual friends.
Alternatively, we may be open and direct with another, but in a manner that is equally destructive. We blurt out the “truth” in an aggressive way, and make all kinds of assumptions about why the other behaved the way they did. We use “truth” as a weapon to beat people and to make them feel small. We confront them with a series of accusations focused on their faults and failings, rather than engage in a conversation that explores the real reasons for whatever rupture has occurred in our relationship with them.
Any real conversation involves vulnerability. Speaking the truth and addressing tensions that arise in close relationships, whether with a partner or colleague, involves vulnerability. There is no way we can advance the situation without first naming our own feelings and reactions and being willing to give another the chance to articulate their experience of whatever conundrum we find ourselves in.
The only truth we have access to is how we perceive and feel about whatever has happened. This is where we can begin the conversation. But we need to be open to the possibility that we are reading the situation incorrectly and willing to listen to the other person’s side of the story. We will never know the full truth of why our relationship has broken down unless we allow it to emerge.
My friend was surprised by how long it took for such a conversation to be possible for her staff. The truth is that for many of us it can take a long time, perhaps a whole lifetime, before we feel safe enough and confident enough to speak honestly to one another.
Tony Bates is founder director of Headstrong (headstrong.ie)