Sexual violence against men by men is broadly acknowledged but what about men who are sexually abused by women? Una Kennellyreports
Imagine being forced to have sex against your will, or being subjected to violence and then coerced into having intercourse with the very person who has just brutalised and humiliated you.
When this happens to women, there is, rightly, outrage. What about when it happens to men?
The reality of sexual violence against men by other men is acknowledged. There are also supports for those men who have experienced sexual abuse as children.
However, what is not so recognised is the fact that men can be sexually abused by women.
"We regularly hear from men in heterosexual relationships who tell us that they have been coerced into having sex against their wishes and, in many situations, the women will become very violent and abusive to them," according to Mary Cleary of Amen, the Navan-based organisation for men who are experiencing domestic abuse.
Cleary has spoken to men who have endured sexual assault such as being kicked or grabbed. She has also spoken to men who are regularly woken in the middle of the night by their wives or partners demanding sex.
"That's okay if it's done in a loving context, but it's not okay in cases where there's no love or communication," she says.
Cleary also knows of men whose wives or partners make no secret of being unfaithful, yet still demand sex. "The men can be threatened in many cases, for example, with having rape allegations made against them, if they do not comply," she says.
Cliona Saidlear of Rape Crisis Network Ireland says that, statistically speaking, sexual abuse of men by women is rare, but it is still a reality.
"I think one of the reasons we don't think of men as being victims is because we don't think broadly enough about what rape and sexual assault actually are," says Saidlear.
Jimmy Haran, who works at the men's section of the Galway Rape Crisis Centre, says in his experience of dealing with the issue "the times when this seems to happen is when a man is under the influence of alcohol or drugs and has lost control".
Cleary says many men describe how their wife or partner might demand sex, having been physically abusive to them earlier.
Alan (43) experienced this. He says that on one occasion his wife punched him and then demanded he have sex with her.
Alan did not want to, but, as he says, "I was afraid not to and she was highly aroused that she had this amount of control, that even after all this abuse, she could still get me to comply."
As Saidlear says: "It seems that the gendered inequalities and the stereotypes and roles we are given actually facilitate sexual violence in our society, including that notion which almost breaks the rules: a man being abused by a woman.
"There are constructions of masculinity within our society which would militate against us seeing men as victims - especially as victims of females."
As well as hearing from men who have been sexually abused within relationships, Cleary has been told harrowing stories by men who experienced sexual abuse as young adults at the hands of female relatives.
One man told her how his sister and her friends sexually abused him when he was 18. "His sister was in her 20s," says Cleary.
"Another guy told me how his aunt would follow him into the bathroom when he was taking a shower. I also remember a guy who told me that when he was in his late teens or early 20s, he was sexually assaulted by his sister-in-law while recuperating after an accident."
According to Cleary, certain views can exacerbate the situation. "Other men will say things like 'good on you' or 'weren't you lucky to get some', but they don't realise that these men are demeaned and demoralised just as women who are sexually abused, and the effects are the same."
Saidlear says: "Because our construction of masculinity and masculine sexuality dictates that men should be going out there trying to get as much as they can, any man who says 'I got some but I'm not happy about it' is taking a stand against the stereotype of what it is to be a real man.
"There is a myth perpetuated to facilitate all sexual violence, which is that the victim enjoys it somehow and comments can be made like 'you enjoyed it'. 'Anyway. It wasn't that big a deal, was it?'" says Saidlear. "This is one of the greatest barriers to reporting, overcoming and combating sexual violence."
She says such a view tends to be held only by abusers who are attempting to justify themselves when it comes to sexual assault of children, but it can be more widespread when it comes to women and is encountered the most when it comes to adult male survivors of sexual assault at the hands of women.
Cleary says there are also cases where men are forced to engage in more unusual sexual practices against their will, such as S&M and group sex. This can be humiliating for them - one of the many psychological effects of sexual abuse.
Other forms of sexual/psychological abuse for men may include being ridiculed and belittled, or being compared to other men. "The woman may make remarks like 'I can have anybody I want. You'll never get anybody else. You're lucky to have me'," says Cleary.
Alan believes women can exploit men's sexual needs and use this to manipulate situations: "Some women know they can use sex very effectively against men to get whatever they want," he says.
"If a man refuses a woman's request, she can deny him sex until he is so frustrated that he gives in. It's used as a weapon. I believe this is a form of sexual abuse."
Cleary says many men find it very difficult to disclose sexual abuse at the hands of women. As Haran, who works in the men's section of Galway Rape Crisis Centre, says: "In the earlier days [of the organisation], something like around one in 10 men would ring and say they had been assaulted by a woman, but in recent years - I don't know why - the issue doesn't really come up very much at all."
Saidlear says: "We know that almost 50 per cent of survivors don't tell anyone. Part of the reason for that is they feel they will be disbelieved and they fear the repercussions of telling.
"What might well be the case - and it applies to both genders - is that, given the way we're told how we should behave sexually, there could be a lot of people out there just not naming what happened to them as sexual violence, thinking to themselves, 'that went a bit far but it was my fault anyway'," she says.
"Or a man may think to himself, 'I'm a man, I should be enjoying this'. So there are a lot of cases where we minimise it for ourselves."
- Rape Crisis Network Ireland offers information and support for male survivors of sexual abuse on its website. To view it, click on the link www.rcni.ie/maleSur.htm