OPINION:'THERE IS a lot of crap on Irish TV," according to Ben Frow, the director of programming for TV3. How refreshingly honest of him to say so, given that most of the sewage is seeping out of his own channel, writes Michael Parsons
TV3's schedules are littered with shows like Britain's Got Talent (oh no, it doesn't); Pageant Moms Unleashed; Banged Up Abroad; Can Fat Teens Hunt? (let's hope not); Facelift Diaries; Lawless Britain; and Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation. Except they don't, of course.
It's not "our" nation. In fact, TV3 increasingly resembles a colonial satellite of dismal British television with a fig-leaf layer of domestic programming. David McRedmond, TV3's chief executive, hailed his new hire last year with this gushing encomium: "Ben Frow's appointment is a great coup for TV3. As the creator of numerous high-quality shows on [Britain's] Channel 4 and Channel 5, Ben is widely regarded as one of the most talented programme-makers in these islands.
"He will lead the development of a new schedule for TV3, building on the success of our core programming with an increased output of Irish-made programmes."
Consider the type of "high-quality" stuff this prodigy has already inflicted on the public of "these islands". Here's the man himself, speaking to the Sunday Independent's Life magazine recently: "One of my biggest successes at Channel 5 was Cosmetic Surgery Live - text us in your body parts and we'll tell you if you need surgery." Apparently the show "rated through the roof".
He's also the creator of A Girl's Guide to 21st Century Sex which had "cameras inside vaginas, [and] on the end of penises". It was "very educational", he claimed, and "wasn't titillating". According to the report, Frow "worries sometimes that his viewing tastes are more sophisticated than the people he's trying to create programmes for".
That shouldn't have been a problem in dumbed-down contemporary Britain. But he is puzzled by the Irish: "There is this whole world of television and they still watch RTÉ." Aren't we a nation of unsophisticated bumpkins?
So what kind of sizzling new forms of entertainment can we look forward to? Perhaps he'll create a local version of his British hit Designer Vaginas. Anyone for Celebrity Sheela-na-Gigs?
He believes that "TV3 needs more original programming". It certainly does. So what is the highlight of the station's autumn schedule, revealed to an audience of luvvies in Dublin last month? Why, an "Irish" copycat version of The Apprentice - the latest turkey to appear on the dreary conveyor belt of British "reality" television. Other gems include CelebAir (you'll need a sick-bag) and a documentary series called Now and Then: How the Irish Have Sex. Like every other nation, presumably?
Still, it's not all gloom. Frow offered viewers this - presumably unintentional - advice: "I want to slap viewers and say: 'Learn how to work the remote control. Don't just sit there and take this s***'."
TV3 is 10 years old this month. At its launch in September 1998, the then tánaiste Mary Harney said: "This is a milestone in the history of Irish broadcasting and I hope the new enterprise succeeds. I am an advocate of competition in every sector, and I believe the advent of TV3 will be good for television."
Hmmm!
The result is a programme like Xposé which takes "a daily look at celebrity life in Ireland, Hollywood and beyond". A 15-second perusal (more than adequate) revealed a presenter who looked like "Botox Barbie" describe someone called "Beyoncé" (who?) as the "boogalicious babe we all admire".
Thank goodness Dev didn't live to see such shenanigans. When the austere "father of the nation" launched television broadcasting (by RTÉ) in 1961 he remarked that the new medium - if not used properly - could lead to "decadence and dissolution". Well, now there's a new "Dev" on the block - a philandering Asian shopkeeper in Coronation Street. The Long Fellow lies a-mouldering in the grave, but his truth goes marching on.