It’s the end of the world as we know it. Or at least it could be if urgent steps are not taken. A resolution to end the impasse must be found.
Perhaps President Trump could broker a peace agreement when Micheál Martin visits him next week in the Oval Office. The Taoiseach could ask him for help when they have their tete-a-tete. “Donald, you’re a tremendous mediator. You do the best mediation. Nobody does mediation like you,” Micheál could say, before handing over the Book of Kells and the keys to Coppers.
Dealmaker to dealmaker. It could work. It must work.
They are very worried in the Dáil. There was a lot of mention of the Russians. And the UN. The Opposition wants to stay triple-locked. Right enough, this alarming global uncertainty would drive anybody to drink. But the Government is of a mind to step back from that.
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It was fine 10 years ago, said Micheál, but that was before the Russians started brewing up a dangerous sort of trouble, and flattering an unprincipled narcissist in the White House.
Who knows what might happen when Micheál meets the American president.
“Taoiseach, step back from the precipice here!” cried Gary Gannon of the Soc Dems on Tuesday afternoon. “We are heading into some very uncharted waters.”
Paul Murphy could feel the jackboot of oppression on his shoulder. This situation is extremely serious.
It gave the People Before Profit TD no pleasure to say that Micheál, in trying to force the Opposition to accept four Government collaborators in its ranks, is attempting to impose “an authoritarian manoeuvre”.
Just who does Paul Murphy think he is? And why didn’t he wear a suit for Leaders’ Questions in the Dáil on Tuesday? Does he possess a suit?
The combined forces of the coalition – in its new alignment – howled as one.
Did Michael Lowry even say thank you? That’s probably what a lot of them will be thinking about the leader of the Regional Independent collaborators as this row about Dáil speaking rights deal rumbles on. But they wouldn’t dare say that aloud now. Loose lips upset leaderships and all that.
A brave Opposition stands firm against this authoritarian manoeuvre. Sinn Féin’s Pearse Doherty railed against the Government leader trying to “reduce Taoiseach’s Questions by half – one day per week instead of two days per week”.
Labour’s Duncan Smith arrived with news from the front. Opposition groups submitted a private notice question under standing order 44 asking the Taoiseach to explain the actions of his chief whip at a Dáil reform meeting on the issue. What Mary Butler did “was absolutely incredible for those that were there”, said Duncan.
“I’ve just found out in the past two minutes that this request has been rejected. I am upset by that, and I think others will be.” He wanted to know why.
We wanted to know what the “absolutely incredible” was.
Here comes Michael Collins, all guns blazing, with the answer. Such was the Independent Alliance Deputy’s determination to face down the Government and its chief whip after last week’s explosive meeting, he sacrificed his question about sheep and rural hill farmers to get an answer.
“Last week Dáil reform became Dáil dictation. After four hours of what we felt was progress, this Document of Destruction was waved at us,” he quivered. “And after some confusion a vote was called. But ‘twas always on the cards that night, if honesty is to be told.”
Mary waved “a Document of Destruction” at them. They’re still not the better of it.
Back to Paul Murphy, also angry over an accompanying wheeze to halve the Taoiseach’s weekly appearance time in the Chamber. If he is so keen on standing up for the rights of backbenchers – and not just the Lowry Exceptionals, soon to be officially designated as d’Udders under Mary’s Document of Destruction – why is he halving their chances to hold him to account?
Because it’s simply a ruse to sort out the aforementioned Lowry and his sidekicks with some fake Opposition time at Leaders’ Questions, fumed the socialist TD. “It will be resisted.”
How should Micheál Martin approach his White House visit?
Gary Gannon, meanwhile, didn’t think much of Micheál trying to justify his deal with Deputy Lowry by comparing it to a famous agreement back in the 1980s between former taoiseach Charles Haughey and Tony Gregory, an Independent TD representing Dublin’s north inner city.
“Taoiseach, let me be very clear; the Gregory deal of 1982 was published. It was there for all to see. The public knew exactly what was going on. Do not compare it to these shoddy little deals you made with Michael Lowry.”
He held up a copy of the Gregory deal and the Moriarty report (starring Lowry) and then urged Micheál “to step back from the precipice here because we are heading into some very uncharted waters in terms of how we conduct business in this parliament and you are bringing us there”.
The Taoiseach gave the Opposition no quarter.
As far as he is concerned at this stage in the hostilities it’s a case of “don’t mention the war” for Micheál. And don’t hit him when he has multiples wars around the world, rising economic uncertainty heading for these shores, and the world in a complete state of chassis in his arms. Time to move on.
But while his concern about the volatile global situation was driving his desire to consign the damaging speaking rights row to the past, he couldn’t resist some local retaliation first.
“I don’t think you are interested in a resolution. In a strange way I think you’re enjoying this, and you’re going to keep this going as long as you possibly can,” he told Pearse Doherty, before moving on the Sinn Féin and Labour leaders.
Not being petty or anything and resolutely moving on, he remembered “the night I was meant to be elected” he began, “and we all know what happened then”.
It didn’t happen.
Micheál remembered ringing Ivana Bacik (or Ba-cheek, as he says it) because she had written a letter and “had told RTÉ and everybody and Virgin and everybody that they were seeking a meeting desperately with the leaders of the Government parties”.
What happened?
“Then it transpired that Deputy Bacik was out on Prime Time. ”
It gets worse.
“When we then rang Deputy McDonald she was at home.”
He painted an appalling picture of abuse.
“And myself and the Tánaiste, meanwhile, were waiting above in the Sycamore room. Where were the leaders of the Opposition? They were nowhere to be seen.”
The memory was so triggering for the Taoiseach his voice went up into high-soprano Cork at the end of the sentence.
Through the ructions Ivana shouted they said they would come back.
“Because, to be fair to them, they had dispatched a letter, told the media they had dispatched the letter and then they went off doing what they were going to do anyway.”
He went easier on Gary Gannon because at least he said we are in uncharted waters.
The Taoiseach wholeheartedly agreed, what with terrible wars everywhere and significant economic headwinds approaching. “We are in uncharted waters around the world.”
Which really is very serious because we only have enough crew to send one ship out to sea at a time.
