Planet Football: You know the way Jermain Defoe is becoming increasingly concerned that his chances of making the English World Cup squad will be banjaxed by the preference of Spurs coach Martin Jol for playing Robbie Keane and Mido up front?
Well, unless Jol was indulging in a spot of leg-pulling last week, you'd have to assume Defoe wouldn't quite know whether to giggle or weep when he read this quote from his boss: "Robbie Keane told me he had to play because he wanted to go to Germany. A month later, I realised Ireland weren't even going to the World Cup." One can only conclude: there are no flies on our Robbie. But there are plenty on our Jol.
Quotes of the week
"I have always wanted an Englishman in charge (of England). There are quite a few who would do a good job but we have got to make sure he is Great British. I don't think foreign managers have the commitment."
- Jack Charlton on why it's nuts for a country not to choose one of their own to manage the national team. Jack? Yoo hoo?
"He makes the simple things look easy."
- A Sky Sports commentator on AC Milan's Filippo Inzaghi.
"England's Number Five, England's, England's Number Five."
- West Ham fans, eh, hail their old boy David James at their FA Cup game against Manchester City last week.
"We're not fickle - we just don't like you."
- A banner spotted at Villa Park on Saturday. Poor David.
Ciaran tressed to impress
In any of the pictures we've seen of Ards goalkeeper Ciaran McLaughlin his hairdo has looked perfectly fine to us. Why then, we're wondering, when Ards played Linfield a while back, was he serenaded thus by the Linfield folk: "Does your mummy, does your mummy, does your mummy cut your hair?" Poor lad (But does she?).
More quotes of the week
"Recently I was warned by one rival player that I had better watch my step the next time I visited Dublin. The 'gentleman' concerned suggested it would be wise to get hold of a bulletproof vest for any nights out in my home city."
- Motherwell's Richie Foran, hoping to remain alive alive-o on his next trip home.
"I still remember Steve Bruce ripping me to shreds at Elland Road, Mark Hughes charging at me just because I hadn't played the ball into the channel, Eric Cantona giving me the stare, Keaney and Incey snarling. And that was before you had to face the manager."
- Gary Neville on his troubled youth at Manchester United.
"I suggested we say goodbye to him as head coach earlier but the guys in the team insisted in letting him stay . . . I feel I've made a mistake by not acting sooner."
- Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov ruing leaving Graham Rix in charge for so long - ie 19 games.
"If I could catch it, I would kill it!"
- Alan Shearer on the tortoise he found in his back garden.
"Instinctively he's a very instinctive player."
- Graham Le Saux instinctively sums up Wayne Rooney's instinctive talents.
Mersey derby defies odds
Spotted in an English tabloid on Saturday, their tipster's advice: "Grab a slice of the 1 to 2 offered by (well known bookies) that there are no red cards in today's Mersey derby. It will be a keenly contested battle . . . but it's amazing how many lunchtime kick-offs fail to catch fire. I'd always take 1-2 on a game finishing 11 against 11 - doubly so when players are still wiping sleep from their eyes."
18th minute: Liverpool's Steven Gerrard sent off.
74th minute: Everton's Andy van der Meyde sent off.
Yellow cards: 10.
Twas, then, one lunchtime kick-off that very definitely caught fire.
Whitbread cuts to the chase
Zak Whitbread, currently on loan from Liverpool, was brave enough to agree to be a contestant in 'The Brain of Millwall', the London club's head-to-head quiz in its club programme. But? Question: "What won best film at this year's Baftas?" Whitbread: "Gay Mountain?" As the Telegraph so beautifully put it, "in the process he gave away the plot of Brokeback Mountain".
Even more quotes of the week
"I'm not sure mobiles work three and half miles up in the sky. Maybe the Sherpas will be able to relay a message."
- Sam Allardyce, concerned that when he does his charity climb to Everest base camp in May he might miss a call from the FA.
"Wayne Rooney is a great player and he could be the difference between winning and losing the World Cup."
- Bobby Charlton. No pressure, Wayne, no pressure.
"I beat my record for patiently ignoring insults - more than an hour. I heard insults and more insults aimed at our bench. After half-time we were intercepted by the opposition coach and I told him, 'Calm down, careful with your heart'."
- Jose Mourinho reflecting on that run-in with Bryan Robson.
"I was the width of a goalpost away from retiring and spending the rest of my life in luxury."
- Mick Dunning who would have won £1.4 million last week on an accumulator . . . if Port Vale's Tony Dinning had converted a late penalty against Blackpool. He didn't, so Dunning had to make do with £22,315.
"In anticipation of World Cup success this summer, I am freezing duty on champagne and on British sparkling wine."
- Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown during last week's British budget. Brown, of course, is Scottish, so presumably he means he'll only pop the cork if Trinidad and Tobago do the job.
Charlton pays Chelsea tribute
Jack Charlton used the occasion of the visit of some of England's 1966 World Cup-winning team to the new Wembley last week to offer his views on modern' football.
"The goalkeeper rolls the ball to the centre-back, who gives it to the other centre-back, who gives it to a midfield player, who passes it to the full-back, who knocks it across the field to the other full-back, who shoves it to the centre-forward - who hasn't crossed the halfway line yet - who hits it back to the centre-back, who gives it back to the goalkeeper. And what does he do? Rolls it to the centre-back."
All in all, a nice tribute to Chelsea.
