Today's other news

Rooney wins ugly

Beauty is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, but still: how could 34 per cent of the 4,000 female sports fans asked to name the 'ugliest sports star of all time' possibly have opted for the very, very lovely Wayne Rooney? He received almost three times as many votes as second-placed Peter Beardsley, the man, who some cruelly claim, is the owner of a face only a visually impaired mother could love.

Ronaldinho and Peter Crouch took third and fourth places, according to research firm Onepoll, with Paul Gascoigne, Luke Chadwick, Martin Keown, Dwight Yorke, Ian Rush and Ray Parlour also flying the flag for football in the ugly poll.

David Beckham, need you be told, topped the 'sexiest sports stars of all time' list, followed by Thierry Henry, David Ginola and Freddie Ljungberg. The 13th and 18th sexiest sports stars of all time? And no, we haven't made it up: Vinnie Jones and David Seaman.

Waiter? Spectacles please.

Quotes of the week

"Our turnover is four per cent of Man Utd's. We're bottom of the league and they're top. So us playing them is like the United States waging a war with San Marino. Or, in boxing terms, it would be like Mohammed Ali picking a fight with Jimmy Krankie."

- Watford's Adrian Boothroyd ahead of last week's trip to Old Trafford.

"We grow our players at this club, we don't have a greenhouse in the back because we can't afford it, we're more of a microwave club."

- Boothroyd again, on his microwavable Jimmy Krankies.

"He is possibly one of the most beautiful men in the world. If he had a role where he didn't have a big, long speech, maybe a silent role, I think he'd be wonderful."

- Is Helen Mirren trying to say David Beckham does not possess the voice of a, say, Richard Burton?

"Well, I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon, which is something I've never done before, obviously."

- Beckham tells us about his dragon-slaying debut (obviously) in a Disney photo shoot.

"I am not sure exactly why the winter break started, but I'm sure it has something to do with the weather."

- Owen Hargreaves, wearing a woolly hat, thermals and ice skates, wondering why the Bundesliga shut down for 40 days.

"The players have to show bravery both on and off the pitch. I'm sure they will, because there's no disguising it - we're in the shit."

- Paul Jewell gives an upbeat assessment of Wigan's current Premiership plight.

"I'm aware that I'm on the wanted list at a number of big clubs but specifically Chelsea and I regard that as only natural."

- The self-effacing Marcello Lippi.

Mum's the word

There's usually a touch of the whodunnits about training ground bust-ups, with the competing parties and onlookers tending to keep the juicy details to themselves - eg: "I don't want to elaborate too much on what's gone on," said Coventry's caretaker manager Adrian Heath last week when asked to, well, elaborate on what went on between Irish international Michael Doyle and Robert Page during a training session.

No details, then. Although this line in the Coventry Telegraph might help the Miss Marples amongst you figure out who hit who: "Doyle required dental work while Page received treatment for an injured hand."

Chant of  the week

Aston Villa supporters (to West Ham supporters): "Going down, going down, going down."

West Ham supporters (back to Aston Villa supporters): "So are we, so are we, so are we."

More quotes of the week

"The ever-smiling Steve 'Magnificent' McClaren is without doubt the most two-faced and false person that I have ever had the misfortune to meet in football . . . only in England could such a man with such obvious and limited abilities be made national coach."

- Massimo Maccarone, who's left Middlesbrough for Siena, starts a "Bring Back Sven" campaign.

"I am not a cashpoint machine. Do you think you can stick a card in my mouth and cash will come pouring out of my arse?"

- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan on his response to manager Peter Taylor when he asked for some transfer loot. We'll take that as a "no" then.

"Playing against a small team it is not always easy when they have nine men behind the ball. One team wanted to win while one team came not to lose."

- Rafael Benitez, manager of big team Liverpool, spreads the love on Merseyside.

"This was the first time I thought I had a chance. I've been playing in the Premiership against the best players in the world week-in and week-out. But I've not heard anything and you start wondering does he know I'm Irish?"

- Sheffield United's Derek Geary contemplates posting his passport to Steve Staunton.

"The emotion I feel when I stand in front of a Picasso, Renoir or Van Gogh is indescribable."

- Jamie Carragher. Na, Vincenzo Montella, the Roma lad who's on loan at Fulham.

"He has that smell to be where he needs to be at the decisive moment. When there is chocolate to take in the box he is there."

- Arsene Wenger on Julio Baptista's sweet tooth.

Bruce's almighty U-turn

Monday

"I will reiterate to you all that there is no price on Matthew Upson. I have had the complete backing of the board over my stance on things . . . I couldn't give a shit if I have got an unhappy player or not. He is not going, full stop. Whether it is £8 million, £9 million, £10 million, it wouldn't matter."

- Birmingham boss Steve Bruce ruling out a transfer window move for Matthew Upson.

Wednesday

"West Ham have signed central defender Matthew Upson from Birmingham City for an initial fee of £6 million." (BBC Online).

Thursday

"I'm disappointed."

- Birmingham boss Steve Bruce ruing a transfer window move for Matthew Upson.