It is the number-one question I’m asked: how do I get an upgrade? I’m going to reveal the secrets here. If you do everything I tell you, you’ll spend every long-haul flight sipping champagne in first class.
Am I not worried that everyone will start doing it, that there’ll be an avalanche of chancers upgrading themselves? No. I’ve found that you can tell people exactly what to do, handing them the information on a silver platter, but they still won’t do it.
Except you.
I can tell that you are one of the clever ones. If you are reading The Irish Times’ Abroad section you are savvier than most. So here they are, the five simple steps that will get you upgraded on every flight that has capacity.
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Don’t ask
“Can I sit in first class if there are any spare seats?” If I had a penny for every time I heard that line I wouldn’t be working as crew any more.
I always apologise and say we can’t do upgrades in the air. Passengers usually reply, “Oh well. Don’t ask, don’t get”. No, lady. In this case it’s ask and definitely don’t get. I always say that putting a passenger into first class is something I can’t be seen doing. More importantly, no one else can see me doing it, either. How do you think those folks who spent €10,000 on their seat would feel if they heard me saying, “Of course, go right on ahead and take the seat next to that couple who saved for 10 years to sit in first class”.
It does not work like that with any other product. That is like walking into Louis Vuitton and saying: “Any chance I can have one of those bags?”
If getting an upgrade were that easy, why would anyone pay for a ticket?
Come up with a compelling story
Make a little bit of an effort to come up with a decent story. Say it’s your wedding, anniversary, honeymoon, birthday, something like that.
Honeymoon is a great one, especially if you’re travelling with a partner. You would have to be a very curmudgeonly crew member not to be touched by a young couple starting out on their life together.
You can tell the crew it’s your honeymoon and never be found out. Who cares anyway?
A friend of mine had the best story I have ever heard. It was his father’s trick, and he was upgraded on every single flight he took.
My friend’s dad was over 6ft and had a heart condition. His doctor wrote him a note saying he needed 7 inches of legroom. Whenever the man booked a flight he asked how much legroom there was. He would always bring the doctor’s letter, the letter from the airline saying there was enough legroom, and a tape measure. If there wasn’t as much legroom as advertised, which apparently there never was, he’d ask to be upgraded on health grounds.
My friend told me that his father travelled in either business or first class on every trip. What a genius. If someone goes to the effort of bringing a doctor’s letter and a measuring tape on every trip, they deserve an upgrade.
Remember that everyone likes free stuff
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen them, but airports have shops where you can buy cheap little gift items called Ferrero Rocher. (Other types of chocolate are available.)
I’ve never met a person who doesn’t like Ferrero Rocher, Lindt, Butlers or any other goodies you can pick up in duty-free. Duty-free is on the way to the plane, so what’s your excuse? Hand over the box as you board, and keep it brief, just say: “This is for the crew. I know how hard you all work.”
In this way you instantly become the crew’s favourite person. It’s so simple and only costs about €10, for which you will be awarded with (at least) a good supply of champagne, extra food, blankets and whatever else you want. In fact, why doesn’t everyone do it?
One thing, though: when you hand over the chocolates, keep walking. Don’t do what a recent passenger did and say, as you hand over the chocolates, “There you go. Can I have an upgrade now?” (See step 1: Don’t ask).
Just hand over the goodies and keep walking. The faster and less awkward the handover, the more you’ll be favoured by the crew.
Oh, I like Lily O’Brien’s chocolates, by the way. Just saying.
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Don’t make a scene
So you’ve done everything I’ve said. You have not blatantly asked for an upgrade; you’ve invented a compelling story – bonus points for measuring tapes and other props. You have handed over the goods. (No cheap stuff: this isn’t my first time at the rodeo.)
A crew member has now come down to economy like the archangel Gabriel to usher you up to first class. Whatever you do, don’t ruin it now by being a big blabber mouth. “Yay, we’re getting upgraded to first. Great!”
Every one of those economy flyers is watching you like a jealous hawk, wondering why you’ve been selected for special treatment. Don’t fall at the final hurdle. Say as little as possible, collect your bags and make your way out of there like you’re leaving the scene of a robbery.
Don’t be put off by the evil glares of the economy passengers. They could have been be upgraded, too, if they’d just followed the rules and bought me some Lindt balls. Too bad.
Zip it
If everything has gone to plan you are now sitting in first class, a glass of Bolly in one hand and a plate of canapés in the other. You may even be surrounded by movie stars, models and minor royalty. Sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of being a very clever little fox who can follow directions in order. (Most people mess it up.)
Now all you have to do is zip it. Say nothing and act like you bought the ticket full fare. If any of the first-class passengers get wind of an interloper in their midst, they might not be too happy.
Have a great flight and raise a glass of Moët for me.
Bon voyage!
If you live overseas and would like to share your experience with Irish Times Abroad, email abroad@irishtimes.com with a little information about you and what you do
