I was on a flight the other day with a passenger who did everything possible to ensure that he was at the very top of the cabin-crew blacklist. Without realising it, he did himself out of any possibility of receiving the perks of “sucking up” to the cabin crew.
As all the flight attendants I’ve interviewed on my podcast, The Bad Air Hostess, will agree, you shouldn’t dismiss those perks – extra blankets, a nice flute of champagne from first (class), maybe an amenity kit with an eye mask if you’re extra charming. The crew really do hold a lot of power over how enjoyable your flight is.
So, get out a pad and paper and start taking notes.
Here are the top transgressions that annoy the cabin crew.
Brianna Parkins: ‘The Irish have a natural instinct for nosiness’
Washing up in Iberia: ‘We realised we weren’t ever going to sail the world, so we moved ashore and sold the boat’
Irishman in Canada for 50 years: ‘I was about to return home after three years but then things changed’
Laura Kennedy: Australians respond differently to nature compared to Irish people
1) Galley yoga
These passengers are always 30-something, white women with Lululemon yoga pants and zeitgeisty Stanley cups to rehydrate themselves. I cannot adequately express in words how annoying these people are. Do I stick my spandex-clad bottom in your face while you are doing your job? No.
So don’t do it at mine.
2) Galley talkers
A friend once told me the story of how they love to pop into the galley to chat to the crew. “Oh, the crew love me. I just stand there talking to them for hours! They love me.”
I hate to be the one to burst anyone’s delusional bubble, but this one needs to be, for the good of humanity. I can’t allow one more fellow crew member to be put through this.
I set him straight; honey, the crew don’t love you. They hate you and are too nice to tell you to go away. After 12 hours of being a performing Geisha, smiling and cooing, those few moments with your cup of tea and Hello! magazine are sacred. We’re not lonely. We’re fine. And trust me, I’ve heard every aviation story going. So spare us.
3) ‘I probably fly more than you do!’
No. You don’t. My laugh is also fake. I’ve heard that joke a hundred times. But really, take it from me, old man (always old men) you don’t fly more than me. Unless you’re also flying straight home as soon as you get off the plane and doing another three flights today?
No? I didn’t think so.
4) Food stealers!
It’s a funny old phenomenon on aircraft, any food that’s sitting around, even if it’s in a lunch box, seems to be fair game to passengers. They come in and swipe it. Yes, the passengers will steal your food without an ounce of shame. It’s like some unwritten rule, if it’s visible in the galley and edible, I can take it.
I was just on a flight back from San Francisco and I bought a bag of Haribo for a sugar hit to get me through the 10-hour flight. I leave the bag on the counter and turn around to see some cheeky woman helping herself.
Look, we do have to eat as well, you know? Cabin crew don’t subsist on aircraft dust and toilet water.
5) Can I just dump this here please? I’m special
There seems to be a terrible condition affecting more and more passengers lately (and people in general). It’s called Special-itis.
The main symptom of the condition is that the afflicted person feels somewhat more special than all the other passengers, so the rules don’t apply to them. For example, after the meal service, instead of waiting, like the 200 other passengers on the plane, this person must clear their table away and dump it somewhere in the galley for you to clean up. And the worst thing is, they actually think they’re helping. They’re not. You are clogging up the galley and delaying the clearing for everyone else.
Now that you know all the things that annoy the crew, you will be the teacher’s pet on every flight and might even get some special treatment if you’re really nice and buy a box of chocolates for the crew in the duty free.
Note: we like Lindt balls or Ferrero Rocher.
Paula Gahan is a London-based Irish crew member for an international airline and hosts the The Bad Air Hostess podcast on Apple and Spotify. She is from Kildare.
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