As Irish people leave to travel the world, some fall in love far from home. But when it comes time to put down roots, couples have to balance the push and pull of opportunity, family, and home. Here, four Irish people share their experiences of deciding where to live after falling in love.
DUBLIN
‘We’re so rooted now. We have a dog, we have a baby. There are so many things just keeping us here’
Emma Jane Wilde (Irish, 38), is married to Teodora Wilde (Romanian, 32). They live in Dublin with their infant son Charlie.
“I literally googled ‘best place to live LGBTQ’, and Vancouver came up, so I got a visa and moved over there during the last recession. I was gone for eight years. I missed family vacations, I missed my brother going from 12 to 19, and I would come home every Christmas and my family would be reflecting on parties and christenings and things that happened at funerals. I was only hearing snippets. When my sister told me she was planning to have a baby, I came home consciously. I’m from a family of five kids, so there’s always something going on, an invitation, an event, and I wanted to be here.
“I met Teodora on the night of June 29th, 2019; it was Dublin Pride. Our friend set us up without either of us realising. She’s from Romania and moved here for work, choosing Dublin over London or Tel Aviv.
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“Teodora and I have different ideas of what family and home are. For her it’s all about the people she chooses to live her life with. It doesn’t affect her in the same way to be away from her parents and her brother.
“I think Teodora sees a lot of the benefits of Ireland that outweigh other things, like money or the weather. I’d never say no to a good opportunity, but Romania’s never been on the cards. When we go there, people look at us. It’s not common to be gay; it’s quite behind.
“Twenty years ago, I walked in the Dublin Gay Pride Parade and we had rotten tomatoes thrown at us. That happened last year in Bucharest. So they’re about two decades behind us, but hopefully they’re on a better path. From my perspective, they can be quite conservative people. But all of Teodora’s friends, whether they’re gay or straight, they’re always welcoming.
“We had a baby this year, after six rounds of IVF. The amount of help we get from family, the support we get, is just invaluable. No amount of money can give you that.
“There isn’t an expectation from Teodora’s family for her to be at home, but she is strongly connected to Romanian culture through the language. She wants our son Charlie to speak Romanian. It will open the door to so many more languages and will allow her parents to communicate with him. It’s the only thing she’s pedantic about.
“We don’t say it out loud, but we’re so rooted now. We have a dog, we have a baby. There are so many things just keeping us here, but at the same time, we don’t want to be too rigid when we never know what life will throw up.”
AMSTERDAM
‘Ireland is always home, but it’s hard to make it work creatively’
Diarmuid Cronin (Irish, 29) is in a long-term relationship with Lena de Vos (Dutch, 22). They live in Amsterdam.
“Dublin lost its spark for me when all my friends left, so I left too. I moved around a few cities in Europe and had only been in Amsterdam a few months when I met Lena. I saw her in a punk bar, Café the Minds, and sat beside her for two hours just talking. I wasn’t even sure I was staying at that point, but we’ve been together almost four years now.
“That first summer we were together, I felt at home for the first time since leaving Dublin. Amsterdam’s a beautiful city, the people are lovely, there’s always something going on. I’m a film-maker, but I never mind what work I do really. I’ve worked in hostels, bars, as a tour guide on boats, and I drove a forklift for a while. Lena’s a tattoo artist, born and bred in Amsterdam.
“In the Netherlands, we have a social housing system that works really well. I’m in social housing now with my girlfriend, a house that costs €500 between the two of us, whereas before we were paying €1,800. Not worrying about income so much opens up a lot of opportunities.
“Ireland is always the place that’s home, but it’s really hard to make it work creatively. In the Netherlands, as long as you speak a bit of Dutch, you can get grants for creative projects. Now there’s talk of the basic income for artists back home, that sounds interesting, something that could bring me back. It would take a lot of the stress of living in Ireland away.
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“At the end of this year, I’m going to do something completely different and study cabinetry making for boats. I want to work with my hands rather than behind a screen.
“I never really felt the pull to Ireland until about a year ago, just after Christmas. I went back for a birthday party and I really missed the craic of the pub, the community spirit that’s always there in Ireland. You don’t realise how strong that is until you go somewhere else and it’s missing.
“Lena’s family are lovely people, they’ve always treated me like I’m part of the family, but I miss my folks. They’re not in the greatest of health, things are slowing down for them. I’ve spoken to my dad a few times about whether they’d move over here, but then they’d be leaving their friends. They don’t have a community here, and I don’t know if that’s fair.
“I’m an only child, so it makes it tougher. I always hear the news two weeks later: ‘Oh, your father was in hospital last week, he’s fine.’ They don’t want to worry me, but I feel bad. What if something happens to them? There’s always been an agreement between me and Lena from the get-go that if something happens to my parents, I’m home straight away.
“I think every Irish person dreams of being abroad. It’s in our spirit to go away, to learn something about the world, a different culture, a different way of life, and then you take that home.”
TORONTO
‘We have two kids and a house, but we talk about moving all the time’
Maura Dillon (Irish, 41) is married to Cameron Cole (Canadian, 43). They live in Toronto with their two children Oliver (4) and Alice (1).
“I moved to Canada in 2012 when Ireland was deep in recession, and it all felt very bleak. I was 28 and I had a five-year plan. I was coming to the end of that and I’d already decided I was ready to go home when I met Cameron. That was seven-and-a-half years ago. Now we have two kids and we own a house, so we’re pretty tied down, but honestly, we talk about moving all the time.
“Every time we go home for a visit, I think: ‘We should just do it.’ My parents are ageing now and my family all have kids and live close to home. I really miss the culture and the quality of life in Ireland. When I think about the family support there, I realise how much we’re missing it here. Cameron’s dad is three hours away, his brother is a long flight, and although we’ve built a lovely community, we don’t have that family network.
“The political climate here has changed too. The way Trump speaks, that mentality, it bleeds north. When I first moved to Canada, I was told never to talk about politics, religion or race, but now politics divides people, even families. Getting away from that is definitely appealing.
“There are things that make staying easier. Childcare is incredibly affordable; we pay $20 a day, with meals included. Healthcare is free, dental is free, and we get $1,500 a year for therapy. People here really support your wins. There’s a genuine sense of encouragement that feels different to home.
“I love Canada’s diversity, the mix of cultures, languages, and traditions. It’s opened my eyes, and now part of me worries about going backwards. My friends say Ireland has changed a lot since I left, but back then, “diversity” meant two Polish people in the office.
“But there’s also fear. Fear of quitting, of eating into our savings, of it all going wrong. I worry that as the Irish one, it would all be on me to make it work. I get so anxious about the money side that I end up doing nothing.
“The housing crisis in Ireland is another big factor. I know my family would take us in for a while, but that’s not ideal in the long term. Cameron loves visiting Ireland, but when he comes, it’s always a holiday. Everyone comes to see us and it’s so fun, but I know that’s not real life.
“Work is another challenge. I’m in marketing, Cameron’s in production, and most of those jobs are Dublin-based. My family’s in Galway, and that’s where I’d want to move. I want a quieter, more rural life.
“I don’t think I’ve ever decided that I’m staying in Canada. In my mind, I’m still hoping we’ll move home. But if it doesn’t happen, I’m not unhappy here. I just worry, will I regret not spending these years near my parents?”
CORK
‘The kids spent a lot of years only seeing one side of their family on video calls. We missed so many weddings and christenings’
Séamus Walsh (Irish, 43) is married to Elvira Walsh (Australian, 44). They live in Cork with three of their children, Mairead (14), Jack (11) and Saorla (7). Their son Nicholas (22) stayed behind in Australia.
“I was working in Australia, but two weeks before I was due to leave I met Elvira. This was 2008 and my plans changed completely.
“We lived in Melbourne, where Elvira is from, for 13 years, but ever since the first time we flew home to Ireland, we talked about moving back here one day. We have four kids and I wanted them to feel a connection to Ireland. So I made sure the kids always had some Irish and they played GAA; I coached the hurling and football teams.
“I was lucky that my parents were able to come out regularly to visit, but my dad is nearly 80 now so that was getting harder and harder. The kids spent a lot of years only seeing one side of their family on video calls. We missed so many weddings and christenings. When we did come back, it just wasn’t the same: you’re in and you’re out. You’re a visitor.
“We waited until our eldest son finished high school, and then we made the move. We sold our house and bought in Midleton, and we shipped everything from the couches to our teaspoon. Elvira was already part of a Midleton Mums Facebook group and was able to ask questions along the way. Elvira’s family background is Croatian, so there are some family connections to Europe for her too.
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“It’s been really good since we’ve been home. My sister has had a baby and we were around, just around. We were there for the christening, and everything else. You miss just being part of that when you’re away.
“I’m an architect and was self-employed in Melbourne, so life was just work, work, work. It didn’t seem to matter how well we did, but the rat race is different there. The expectations, spending, and constant striving for more aren’t the same here. People don’t need multiple homes or endless travel. They’re happy to be.
“That was one of the big motivators in deciding to move as well, so that we could collectively get a better work-life balance. And I feel like we’ve definitely got that here. I’m back working nine to five, Elvira works as a preschool teacher, and our weekends and evenings are our own.
“People in Cork are open in a way you forget until you’ve been away. You can walk down the street and someone stops to chat. We’ve both made an effort to build our circles. I’m into motorbiking, Elvira’s involved in theatre. We’re busy, but it’s a good busy now.”
