Many of us don’t like saying no to a co-worker or a boss because we are afraid that doing so will either lead to an argument or damage the relationship. But there is a middle option.
Deliver a "neutral no" By sticking with a neutral no, you are concentrating on the business end of no, not on the personal. Aim for a referee's kind of neutral demeanour. He makes a call regardless of strong feelings on both sides, and his job is to give his decision and stay with it if challenged. If you say no to a counterpart and get pushback, keep these points in mind.
Stay on topic If you think you know why your counterpart is pushing back, speak to his concerns honestly: "You have a lot invested in what you're asking, and it looks like I'm personally blocking you." You can also give a good reason for your refusal: "I see my job as balancing valid, but competing, needs. That's my focus." If that creates an opening for an argument, it's OK to have the discussion. Saying no shouldn't be a monologue.
Stick with it If you have a good reason for saying no, stay with it.
Be realistic People hoping to preserve a relationship often want to both say no and have their counterpart be happy. But the realistic response to hearing no is often anger, unhappiness, or concern. If we distort our message in trying for an unrealistic response, our counterpart is likely to miss the point and we will have to say no twice. Saying no neutrally doesn't come naturally. To get better at it, practice ahead of time with someone who will push back. Eventually, it'll become easier to say yes to saying no.
- Adapted from Saying No Without Burning Bridges at HBO.org. - In association with Harvard Business Review
