Take a deep breath. Do a few lunges. Jog up and down on the spot for 30 seconds. Stop. Do it once again and then drop and give me 20. Now that you’re warmed up, and a little sweaty on the brow, it’s time to get down to business.
Your tent is mostly pitched (if you’re reading this in the afternoon or early evening) and most of your mates have arrived. You’re all a bit loosey goosey with the selfies now but your portable charger is fully loaded so you’re ready to go. You are the cock of the walk. This is your town now.
First stop is Booka Brass Band over with the Other Voices crew. Nothing says party like a big aul brass band and Booka are the right boyos to initiate you into EP at four in the afternoon. Now peg it over to Electric Arena and prepare yourself for the greatness that is Dublin rapper Rejjie Snow (6.45-7.30pm), followed by the incredible Young Fathers (8 - 9pm).
Catch the first half of Vince Staples (9.30- 10.30pm) and then make a dash for the Body & Soul area. Pick up something to munch on en route because you cannot be running on empty. You'll thank me for this timely reminder later.
On the Body & Soul Stage, you should catch the last few songs from Shookrah (9.15-10pm), the deadly funk band from Cork boiiiiii, just before Ships (10.30-11.30pm). Now, when Ships bring the noise, they bring the noise. If moody synths and subtle hints of 1980s nostalgia are your vibe, then Ships will deliver.
And if you want to get even moodier, you've enough time to make it over to the main stage for The xx (10.30 - 12pm) but you know the drill by now. White lights. Oooh. Lots of black fringes, from downward facing London goths. Aaaah. So stay put in the Body & Soul area, if it hasn't already got you firmly in its grasp.
Wander around; find your bearings; send really bad directions to your friends on your phone (“Hey! I’m by the tree – you can’t miss me!!!!) that’s teetering on 10 per cent battery, even with that fully loaded portable charger. Those bloody selfies from earlier sucked up all the juice.
Then get lost in Sunken Foal's Live AV show at the Peace Pagoda in Body & Soul (2-4am), just in time for your mates to find you, despite your woejus directions.
