The world spins, empires rise and fall, one Marvel movie follows another. And still, Alan Sugar is in his fake BBC boardroom – in reality, an unglamorous television set in west London – waving his stubby finger of doom at frightened baby entrepreneurs.
There have been 17 previous seasons of the UK edition of The Apprentice (BBC One, Thursday, 9pm), which has been on the airwaves for so long it takes an active effort to recall the franchise began in the US as an ego extension for Donald Trump. Or that there used to be an Irish version featuring Bill Cullen.
Trump has since embarked on an exciting new career. The Irish Apprentice has, meanwhile, been erased, Men in Black-style, from our collective memory. Did it ever really exist in the first place? And yet, Sugar carries on, assisted by hawk-eyed adjuncts Karren Brady and Tim Campbell, winner of the first Apprentice in the late 19th century.
We say this as if it’s a bad thing. Maybe it isn’t. Much like the Amstrad computers that made Sugar rich in the first place, The Apprentice, if clunky and crying out for a reboot, has its charms. As ever, the “candidates” arrive full of bluster, spouting guff such as “I’m going to change the world and create a legacy that reverberates through time” and “the others..are just extras on my journey to the top”. For Irish viewers, there is the additional novelty of a Wexford contestant – yoga teacher Maura Rath, who wants Sugar to sink £250,000 into her wellness business.
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She survives the cut in the first episode, where the recruits are sent to Scotland to organise a corporate retreat. It’s guys v ladies, with self-proclaimed “international DJ” Virdi Mazaria leading the lads and charted company secretary Onyeka Nweze volunteering to head the women.
Equally unimpressed are the hotel managers who have signed up for a fun day out and are aghast when their fish-cake starters arrive plastered in sweet “crumble”
The first disappointment is that the two sides aren’t invited to give their teams ridiculous names: but then, how do you top previous examples such as “Net Worth”, “Magna”, and “Capital Edge”? Instead, it’s straight into it as they negotiate with caterers, plan activities such as caber-tossing and river walking, and then faff around in the kitchen.
Representing Ireland, Maura doesn’t get to do much – her big intervention is to insist on a water-based component to the ladies’ programme of events. This doesn’t go over well with Onyeka, who can’t swim and is terrified of getting wet. Equally unimpressed are the hotel managers who have signed up for a fun day out and are aghast when their fishcake starters arrive plastered in sweet “crumble”.
Still, the ladies ultimately win out – their canny bargaining means they walk away with a profit. The boys, by contrast, come unstuck trying to entertain a group of music promoters and actually lose money.
So it’s back to the boardroom for Virdi and two colleagues singled out for scapegoating. I can’t tell you who’s been eliminated – the BBC previews cut off before the big reveal. But there is one newsflash it feels safe to share: The Apprentice has sprung free of its cryogenic chamber and is somehow still full of vim. In an ever-changing world, Alan Sugar is not for turning – and for now, the BBC regards that as a positive.
