Fatherhood took Michael McGrath, former minister for finance and father of seven, by surprise first time around. “He was a very welcome surprise,” Michael explains of his eldest son.
“We got such a shock that it took another five years to have the next one,” he says jokingly. “He came along in the early days of the relationship and like any new parents you’re struggling with all the basics. We were very fortunate we had a home. Sarah was splitting her time between there and her parents’ house for a while.”
McGrath says he was “fairly clueless” about parenthood. “I was young by today’s standards. I was a 25-year-old dad and I was a total greenhorn, I’ll be the first to admit. I did the best I could, but I won’t claim to have done most of the heavy lifting.
“It’s a huge shock when you become a parent for the first time, especially at a young age. I remember one time we went down to Killarney. He was a small baby and we got a night away. We went to a hotel and we had our evening meal early in the evening. We were back in the room by 8 o’clock and I thought, ‘this is it, this is the night, it’s over – this is the reality’.”
There was never “a grand plan” to have a big family, McGrath says. “We have been incredibly lucky, and cherish all of our children, but it would be wrong to say that there was a grand plan and that it was executed to perfection.”
The road to having seven children hasn’t been without its own challenges and sadness, he says. “Nothing is ever as it seems. We’ve ended up with seven children, but we had loss along the way, including in the second trimester. Our children are like other children. Different abilities, different challenges that you try and help them with along the way. It hasn’t been smooth and nothing is ever as it seems.”
Michael and Sarah lost a baby during the second trimester of pregnancy. He was a little boy they named Daniel. “I remember holding him,” he says. “Even though it was only second trimester, it was a little baby. It will always stay with you. We’re just so, so fortunate that you feel guilty even talking about any loss because we have so, so much.”
The early days of parenthood, with so many children, were “mad”, McGrath says. “When you look back you wonder how did we do it. You’re just surviving. You’re living in the moment. You’re trying to enjoy it. You’re doing the best you can. But you’re constantly juggling. Sarah is a superwoman to be honest. She is an amazing mum and has a serious professional career in her own right. I don’t know how she manages to do it all so well.”
McGrath’s children range in age from 22 to eight years old. “We kind of have three families within the one. Jack is five years older than the others. Then we had four in a row. And then we have two younger kids. We had four boys first, so we were thrilled to have a daughter, Ruth. She was our fifth. I think we definitely wanted her to have a sister. But it took a while to get there.”
Comments are often passed by people in relation to his family size, McGrath explains. “Some funny, some not so funny, but I just think we’re extraordinarily lucky to have the family that we have. I have no doubt some people just don’t agree with having that many children and can let it be known in different ways from time to time.
“I always just say, whether you’ve two or three, they’ll take as much time as you can give them. Having more just means you’re spreading yourself more thinly. You’re able to give them less. But they’re able to give each other something as well. Because there’s going to be a difference in age – they feed off each other, and that’s important to us. We’ve always encouraged them to remain close, and to be friends.
“I would have no tolerance for any falling out or argument. I’ve just seen too much of it in life. Too many families where relationships among siblings break down and there’s animosity. I’ve told them I’ll come back and haunt them if they ever fall out with each other. I want them to be close. I call it Team McGrath, that’s what I say in the house. I just hope they’re listening.”
He says people’s surprise at the size of his family is largely because it’s so unusual now. “I’m really conscious for many people, financially, it was not an option, and isn’t an option today. In some cases, to have children at all, and in other cases to have more than one or two. And then, of course, you have fertility issues. The fact that relationships are being formed much later in life. It’s going to become even more unusual into the future.”
Having seven children means “none of them get everything that they want. There’s a lot of sharing, a lot of compromising, a lot of fighting in the usual way. I certainly try to give them a sense of the value of money.
“We’ve no tolerance for waste and we’re careful about the decisions we make. They’re going to have to make their own way in the world. Our view is we’ll give them the opportunity to go on and do what they want to do. Whether they take it is up to themselves, or what path they choose. There won’t be a big inheritance. That’s the reality.”
Ten years ago, McGrath lost his brother Seán. “He died suddenly and it hit us all really hard. I cried myself to sleep for a lot of nights after that. It shook me to the core. Just the finality of it.
“When you have your own family, you have no option but to continue on and do the simple things. But I think it does give you a deeper and more balanced perspective on life and what matters.”
In the age of social media, McGrath has had to try to navigate the pressure of protecting his children from the need to be “always on”, and some of the unkind comments that have been directed towards him. “Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, given the job that I do, is a challenge. You’d see comments online from time to time about your appearance, and about your weight. And that can be hurtful. I’m a human. I struggle like everybody else.
“My downtime is through my kids. It’s being on the sideline with them, watching them. And I love nothing more, that’s how I relax. But it does take a conscious effort to find time for yourself and to mind yourself.”
His children seeing unkind comments about him is “a genuine worry”.
“They didn’t choose a life in politics. It was imposed on them. I have a reasonably thick skin. I can take the criticism, personally. But I am conscious of what they see and how it affects them. Nobody likes to see abusive content, or vulgar content sometimes, about their parent online. You would hate to think that they would be at any time embarrassed, or a friend pass a comment. Against that, you balance the fact that, I think, they take pride in what you do.”
McGrath says his children are interested in the world around them. “They might say, ‘what’s the story in Gaza?’ ‘What’s the government doing to help those people?’ ‘Can you not do more to solve homelessness?’ They raise questions and challenge me, and that’s what I would encourage.”
Last week, the Fianna Fáil representative for Cork South-Central – the same constituency as Tánaiste, and party leader, Micheál Martin – was nominated as Ireland’s next European commissioner, which brings with it a large salary increase on his TD pay.
He says although it’s the “honour of my life to be a Dáil representative”, he’s “torn” on whether or not he’d like his children to follow his footsteps into politics. “I recognise the real value of politics and of public service, but I do see the other side, the sacrifice that inevitably you have to make. And the toxicity that is there, nowadays, primarily on social media. And the risk to one’s safety, which is unavoidable. I wouldn’t discourage it, but I would explain to them exactly what the life is like.”
He admits politics can be a lonely life on occasion. “I remember being elected in 2007 ... and I really struggled in those early weeks. I struggled being away from home with two young kids at the time. I really questioned myself and I found it very difficult. I think I was just lonely. And that’s the reality. I think it’s a very different job if you’re able to go home as a TD in the evening. But if you’re based in Cork, or Galway or Donegal, you don’t have that opportunity to go home every day.
“I do remember those very early weeks thinking to myself, ‘God, you’ve achieved your dream. Are you sure it’s what you really want?’ Because you’re missing out on things that can never be repeated. You can never make up for the events or occasions that you miss.
“I’ve missed awards nights in schools, concerts in the lead-up to Christmas, many birthdays, lots of sporting occasions. It’s just part of the price you pay, but the prize is you can make a difference.”
McGrath says his kids recognise how much he misses, and “really feel it”, if he’s away an extra day, particularly if it crosses into a weekend (which is when he usually gets home) as that could mean two weeks between seeing them.
Fatherhood and politics have crossed over even on the most unexpected occasion, McGrath says. “There really is never getting away from politics. I remember one time we took the kids on the annual Santa visit. The visit was all going fine. Santa asked their names and ages and what they were looking for. And then he just turns to them and says, ‘you should tell your dad now that Santa does not agree with any water charges. There should be no charges for water. Do you hear me now?’ And the kids said yes.
“And there was I, on the one hand smiling, and on the other hand gritting my teeth,” he explains, laughing at the recollection.
Christmas is a “magical time” , not least because it’s a time that McGrath gets to properly switch off. “We have this ritual every year of being at the bottom of the stairs. They’re all gathered at the top of the stairs, and telling them he came. And [we] record it on the camera, and those first few couple of minutes, going through the presents. And the joy and the pureness of it is something very special.”
McGrath says he has become more relaxed about parenting over time, as he’s learned the value of what really matters. “It’s about being there for them, knowing that they can talk to us about anything, at any time.”
While all seven children are currently living at home, his eldest son, Jack will be working in Dublin later in the year and McGrath is conscious of the change that will bring. “It’s sad in many ways. Getting everyone together, even for a holiday, is going to get harder in the future. Not having everyone together is a little bit sad.”
The highs of parenthood for McGrath are “just being together, with the phones put away. Having the craic. Having a chat.”
The lows, meanwhile, include “missing out on things”, and seeing them “crying or upset”, he says. “I think you feel that pain and you carry that as a parent yourself. So, you want to try and minimise that and make them as happy as possible. But you know you can’t fully protect them. You can’t insulate them from the world in which we live. They have to find it as they see it.”
