Question
I took a career break six months ago so I could be at home full-time with my two children, aged three and four. I was unhappy in my last job when a new manager started and my role changed – so it was all good timing.
My husband supported me as we did not want the kids spending long hours in childcare. We have not had to even downsize too much given how much childcare was costing us.
However, it is not going as well as I thought it would and some days I am really struggling. My two children are such amazing kids and they are both really intense and demanding of my attention. I am really happy to be there with them, but I am so exhausted at the end of the day. They are both in a really lovely preschool for three hours a day which is great, but this stopped in July for the summer. Budgets are tight for camps and family holidays.
Also, my relationship with my husband has become a bit strained. He is stressed and working long hours to gain more money. He also seems to expect that I should be doing most of the housework now that I am home full-time. To be honest, I also had the idea that I would be able to do it all and be the perfect home manager, and am disheartened at how little I get done in a day.
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He does not understand that I am more exhausted than him when he comes in the evening. This is a source of new rows and resentment between us. It is all a bit depressing as I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum.
Part of me now even misses being back in work.
Answer
Though it might be especially rewarding, caring for small children can be one of the most intense and stressful jobs you undertake. It is very normal to struggle at times and to need support.
Summer can be particularly challenging. The routine of preschool not only gives you a daily break but also many parallel supports and daily social contacts.
In the summer, you have to build new routines and supports which can be particularly hard when budgets are tight. You are also dealing with transitioning from being a working mother to being full time in the home. Even if this is what you wanted, this can still be an significant adjustment that takes time.
Your relationship with your husband is also changing as you negotiate different roles and responsibilities. This can bring out different expectations, resentments and stresses that need to be acknowledged and talked through.
Give yourself space to reflect
Take time to reflect about what it is going on for you. Don’t give yourself a hard time for your feelings and simply let yourself feel them.
It is perfectly understandable to feel depressed and this is often a signal to adjust and reflect further. You might feel sad that things have not turned out as expected and miss parts of your former life. Be curious about the deeper expectations and need that underpin your feelings.
In your mind, what is the ideal work-life-parenting balance? What are you hoping from your marriage around this? What is your husband hoping for? You may be able to talk easily to your husband about these reflections and/or it might be helpful to talk to a supportive friend, a counsellor, reach out to a parent online forum or ring a helpline such as parentline.
Talk things through with your husband
When couples talk about problems it is easy to fall into the trap of blaming and criticising the other person. Though much harder it can be more effective to reveal your vulnerable feelings and what you specifically need. For example, instead of simply criticising your husband for never being home, it might be more helpful to say: “I am struggling, and I need you here more to help.”
Or it might be more helpful for your husband to say: “I am worried about money and feel I have to work more, I need your support with this” (or whatever else his needs are).
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Moving to vulnerable communication about feelings and needs neutralises resentment. It is also important to start these conversations from a place of appreciation. You might start by appreciating his support for your decision to be at home and his efforts as the breadwinner.
If your husband was reading this article, I would invite him to share what he appreciates and admired about you and your parenting. In marriages, what people want most is to be appreciated by their partner and this is a game-changer in moving from stressed to productive conversations.
Explore practical solutions with your husband that might help reduce stress. This might mean him setting a day a week where he takes on parenting duties while you pursue a home and personal project. You could also sit down together to make a plan as to how he can creatively use his annual leave over the summer that is best for you and the children.
In the long term, it is worth considering what are the best work and parenting arrangements to suit you both. Given the advent of flexible working, it may not have to be a binary decision of working full time or being a stay-at-home parent. Some couples find creative solutions allowing them to both work two to four days a week and manage most of the childcare themselves while both having the opportunity to work.
Work hard at finding win-win solutions that work for both of you.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie
