Women are from Venus and men are from Mars, it has been alleged. It’s perhaps why, in a heterosexual couple, one partner has a tendency to rearrange the dishwasher after the other.
Standards are clearly different on their respective planets.
And I’m fairly certain it has to be why we experience parenthood so differently.
Think it’s just down to pregnancy and childbirth? Well, think again.
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Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Jen, lover of chocolate, potatoes and Liverpool Football Club. Passionate about the need to get rid of homework, real inclusion in children’s sports, and high heels. As a child I was once in a television ad for sausages. I’ve never liked sausages.
I’ve lived with that guilt for years now.
Also known as “mum”, to my children.
They’re two names I quite like. Three letters each. And I get a clear line of sight, depending on which one I’m called, whether the request, acknowledgment (or even irritation) is coming from the most important seven people in the world. Or everyone else.
It took a while to get used to being called “mum”, though. After all, “mam” is the correct term that an Irish person should use. Personally, I blame the leafy ’burbs, whose vowels are all asunder. Peppa Pig hasn’t helped matters either.
I’ve really lost who I am. I’ve lost contact with many friends
I’m called it countless times a day. Some days I’m highly reactive. Other days auto-nod takes over (middle-aged Ireland’s version of the Gen Z stare), a blank expression on my face until my brain can be bothered to process and make sense of what I’m hearing – has someone lost a limb, or are they just not impressed with what’s for dinner?
So far sounding remarkably like being a dad (without the interchangeable vowels), right? But that’s largely where similarities end. Right down to the language, perception and societal expectations.
How many pieces have you read about working dads?
More to the point, how often have you even heard dads described as such?
How many discussions have you had about whether or not dads can have it all?
How many opinion articles and features have you read about child-free men?
And why aren’t we reading or hearing about any of these things to begin with?
Largely, because we live in a society that all too often defines women by their uterine activity. Mothers or not mothers. Men are men. Sometimes dads, but far less likely, I suspect, to be introduced solely by their parental status in a professional setting. Unlike this journalist, on occasion.
With such focus on us as mothers, it’s no surprise that parenthood can change how we feel about ourselves. For some, it brings confidence and self-assurance. After all, there are few bigger asks to be entrusted with than raising the adults of the future. “I don’t care any more of other people’s opinions as I know I’m doing the best job,” one mother told me. “I’m much more confident and assertive,” another explained. It was a sentiment echoed by some who shared their thoughts on the issue.
But for the majority who answered a question I posed on the matter, the very opposite was true. “[I] feel like a failure every day,” one parent replied. “I’ve really lost who I am. I’ve lost contact with many friends,” another mum admitted.
“I thought I’d be better at it than I am. [I] constantly feel like I’m failing,” said another. “[I] have totally lost my confidence since being a stay-at-home mum. I joined the parents’ association to help me gain some back,” one mother explained.
One mother said that parenthood had “hugely” affected her confidence, having had postnatal depression. “It took me almost 10 years to get my confidence back.”
A parent replied that she felt “so behind” each time she returned to work after her maternity leave. Another explained that almost two decades as a stay-at-home mother had impacted her confidence in a very negative way, both in terms of finding employment and in having the confidence to study.
One mother even pointed to the frequency with which being a mother was raised by a boss, who asked, when she put herself forward for opportunities, if that was manageable with the kids.
The dads weren’t as forthcoming. “I’m guessing a lot more mams would say yes” to a question of parenthood affecting their confidence, one father replied, very aware of the difference.
Reminding me that although Martians and Venusians experience parenthood quite differently in so many aspects, there is some understanding. Just perhaps not enough yet to fully realise that a mammy is never just a mammy.
In spite of how society might try to define her.
