Question
I am a full-time mum with a 12-month-old girl and my boy who is just three.
My son started preschool last week for three hours in the mornings. The first day seemed to go fine. He was a bit tearful when I left him, but I was told that was to be expected. However, every other day he has become upset and anxious as we approach the school (with his sister in the buggy) and he says he does not want to go in.
I try to be positive and upbeat, but he remains upset and clings to me. The last time it was very difficult, the other mums were trying to reassure him and this was making things worse and he was crying more. His sister joined in crying, which made it all a bit of a scene.
When I talked to his teacher, she said he settles quickly enough once I drop him, so it might be a case of persisting.
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What can I do to help him be happier leaving me?
Answer
Starting preschool can be quite a milestone in the life of a small child and it is perfectly understandable that they might experience separation anxiety. In thinking how to help your son, it is worth trying to understand a bit more about what might be causing his anxiety.
Is it simply that he finds it hard to separate from you? Does this happen in other contexts when you leave him alone? Or does he find the structure of preschool difficult – being with a group of children his own age for an extended period?
Or perhaps he finds the point of departure difficult, as it is a noisy busy time with lots of kids and parents. Try to get a sense of your child and what might be going on for him. Find out a little more detail from his teacher about how he is in the preschool. What helps him settle? What does he enjoy doing when he is there? This can help you build up a picture as to what might help
Make a plan with the teacher about arrival
Many children are stressed by the busy arrival time at preschool and this can add to their anxiety. Certainly, it is rarely helpful when other parents (however well intended) get involved to try and calm your child. To change things, you could agree with the teacher a slightly later arrival time so your son arrives when everything is much calmer. This allows for a more relaxed greeting and handover to the teacher.
If need be, you could also agree with the teacher that you can take him into the class and sit close by for a short period as he settles – this might be especially useful on a morning where you notice he is particularly anxious and needs some more support. Another option is to bring a comfort object from home to help him settle. Make sure to explain this to the teacher – “J has brought his special teddy in his bag” – so she can ensure he can access it if he needs it.
Create a nice morning routine
Give yourself plenty of time as you prepare your son in the morning. It can help to have a relaxed breakfast and some time for playtime before you set out. Make the journey to school as relaxed as possible. Talk positively about the school day and the enjoyable experiences ahead – “I know you will be doing play dough today – that will be fun.”
Alternatively if your son is anxious about a focus on school, you might be better talking about other things on the way, such as telling stories or noticing birds and trees as you walk.
If possible, make sure you are not in a rush after preschool in the mornings in case your son needs a little more time to settle. One mother I worked with changed her work schedule in the morning so she could take extra time on the way to preschool if needed. If she noticed her son getting anxious approaching the school, she would slow down and go round the block to take more time to get there. She would take out a book and read with him and then go back to school when he was a little calmer.
Listen carefully after school
When you collect your son after school listen carefully to how he has got on. Ask the teacher for news about what happened that you can talk about – “I hear you were painting today – that sounds like fun – what did you paint?” Recognise that your son might be tired after preschool and plan a nice downtime with him when you go home.
To help your son settle, you can also make links with the other parents and arrange a couple of playdates with the other children – this might increase his comfort with them and reduce his anxiety. It will also give you more information on how he is getting on with the other kids and what supports he might need.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a Parenting Exceptional Children course starting on September 25th and on Parenting Teens on October 8th. See solutiontalk.ie
