Question
My son is 12 and on the waiting list for an ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) and autism assessment. I would appreciate guidance around helping my son with constantly needing dopamine hits and his emotional regulation.
We are good at home with helping regulate when possible. We have a peanut ball, weighted blanket, he loves throwing a small bean bag back and forth best for coregulating. Movement really helps him.
He is constantly looking to buy things, either online or every time we go into a shop, it is nonstop. Where possible, I allow him to pick one thing for the grocery shopping. He will always try for more.
Two weeks ago he asked for new runners, I said yes – at the end of the month, when I get paid. At first the dopamine hit was great, as the evening went on he became completely overwhelmed with having to wait two weeks, he missed school the next day due to it. He has missed about six days this year due to anxiety. I am wondering what was the best way to handle something like that.
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We did chat about how difficult the waiting is and he said that he really wanted them because they would make him cool, his self-esteem is very low. His meltdowns have really ramped up in the last six months, we have three broken TVs in the last 18 months. He really struggles to regulate once he gets past a certain point. Hunger plays a huge part. He craves sugar and carbohydrates.
I would appreciate any guidance and advice please.
Answer
Learning to regulate and manage emotions can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children. Often, ADHD children feel emotions intensely. They can be full of enthusiasm, want to do everything right now, and can easily get frustrated or disappointed. Autistic children can experience high levels of anxiety often due to coping in stressful environments that do not meet their needs. Parents can help children manage intense emotions by reducing stress and creating a relaxing environment and by coregulating with their children.
Coregulating means you become your child’s “safe person” who helps them express their emotions, as well as de-escalating and calming down. The long term goal is to help children learn to self-regulate as they get older, but this can take time and patience.
Supporting emotional regulation
In your own situation it sounds like you have found some things that work for your son such as physical movement or a weighted blanket as well as the importance of food. Many parents I have worked with always have healthy snacks available for their children (especially after school) as hunger can be an additional trigger for upset.
Reading your question, I am aware that you are dealing with more intense meltdowns recently, which made me wonder if he is experiencing additional stressors. At the age of 11, he may be going through puberty and experiencing body changes and hormones, which can really intensify emotions. It is worth sitting down and talking to your son to identify what stressors he is experiencing and explore how you can address these.
You can also explore different strategies he can use to manage his emotions before they spill over into meltdowns such as identifying his feelings early on, taking a break, jumping on a trampoline, listening to music, etc. I would also recommend you go to an occupational therapist, many of whom specialise in supporting neurodivergent children in emotional regulation.
Dopamine and rewards
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that plays a key role in motivation – it is the brain chemical that give you a natural reward when you do something worthwhile. There is evidence that the ADHD brain processes dopamine differently, meaning that ADHD children might seek out highly stimulating activities to feel motivated such as video games, or shopping in your case. While you can’t always engage your son with the prospect of expensive runners (when delay is so hard to manage for him), you can explore other ways to engage and motivate him. The ADHD brain is often motivated by novelty, play, passion and challenge – these could provide the dopamine hit your son seeks.
As you have discovered, letting your son buy one novel item in the daily grocery shop can be very rewarding for him. Find other stimulating passions that engage him, whether it is exciting detective TV programmes, competitive team or individual sports or challenging board games or quizzes. Be prepared that he might need lots of different passions and interests in his life and that these might change frequently – novelty and change is the nature of ADHD.
Your son’s self esteem
Many neurodivergent children have low esteem. They often experience negative feedback about their differences such as exasperated questions such as “why can’t you wait?” or “what is the matter with you?”, etc. This can lead them to internalise this negative messaging and wonder if there is something wrong with them.
It is good that your son has spoken to you about his low self-esteem because this means you can counteract any negative messages. You want to help him understand himself in a positive way: for example, you might say, “you are so passionate and driven, you want to get things done ... that makes it so hard for you to wait’. If he gets a diagnosis, you can use this to increase his self-understanding in a positive way: for example, you might say “your ADHD brain means you find it hard to do things that are boring ... but you can trick your brain and make the task fun by changing how you do it!”
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running workshops on Managing Children’s Stress and Anxiety on December 3rd and Parenting when Separated on January 13th. See solutiontalk.ie
