Question
My husband and I have made the painful decision to separate.
We had been in therapy for over a year and have been unable to resolve our issues stemming from my husband having an affair with a work colleague. Now my husband and I are talking about how to separate well for our two children aged 12 and 13. They don’t know anything about the difficulties, though they may sense how we have not being getting on in the last year – their dad now sleeps in the spare room.
In particular, I wonder whether to tell them about the affair, especially if they push me for the reason (the 13-year-old is likely to do this). I worry that they will blame me for the separation. They both idolise their dad.
He is usually the fun parent and I am often the ‘bad cop’ parent – getting homework done, keeping the house clean, etc.
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Answer
Separating as parents can be difficult transition for most families, though there is a lot you can do to separate well and to ensure the wellbeing of your children and yourselves as parents.
It is good that you are communicating with your husband in therapy, as maintaining ongoing communication will help the most in the future. Now that you have made the decision to separate the next step is to switch the focus of communication to discussing the process of separating well.
Many parents find it useful to engage in mediation whereby you meet a professional mediator to help you agree all the practical issues around separating.
In particular, this is about deciding what the living arrangements will be, how finances will be arranged and how you will co-parent your children together. Some of these issues might be straight forward and some might be contentious.
For example, you have to decide who will leave the family home (and where that person lives) or whether the family home is sold to create two dwelling spaces. Alternatively, some couples agree to live separately in the same home (often driven by economic necessity) or adopt a “nesting” arrangement whereby they take turns living in the family home with the children. Whatever you decide, it can take some time to work out satisfactory arrangements.
The goal is to try to find win-win solutions, which are in the best interest of your children and which meet both your needs and your husband’s.
Discussing separation with children
Generally, it is best to wait until you have agreed most of the practical issues above before you tell the children. This means you can reassure them about living arrangements and how they will keep contact with both parents. It is also useful to reassure them about how they will keep in contact with friends, extended family and school.
Children often worry that somehow they are at fault for the separation or that the separation means somehow that one of their parents does not love them.
The important message to give them is that you both love them and that the separation is solely about their parent’s relationship and in no way their fault.
For the first conversation, it is best if you and your husband can talk to both children together so they can see you working together. See this as the start of ongoing conversations in many different formats (eg together and with each child separately so you can focus on individual needs etc).
Should we tell them about affair?
Generally, it is best to keep the full details of the breakdown of your relationship private from the children, especially when they are young teenagers.
The ideal is to give them a “no blame narrative” so they don’t feel they have to “take a side” and are free to emotionally connect with their two parents.
You could say something like “what happened in our relationship is private, all you need to know is that we both love you and will continue to co-parent together”. Your 13-year-old could become angry about the separation and look to blame you or their father for what happened. If this happens they, of course, need to be listened to and have their feelings validated.
[ ‘I’ve been married 20 years and I don’t think I like my husband any more’Opens in new window ]
However, be careful about reacting to them and getting into a blame game. In the future, they may need to understand more about the circumstances of the separation and this is best presented to them in a balanced way. You might share your perspective on what happened and then invite them to talk to their father to hear about his.
Going through a family separation takes its toll emotionally and it can take some time before things reach an equilibrium.
Do reach out for personal support and encourage your husband to do likewise. Many services such as onefamily.ie provide counselling and there are also parenting courses such as the Parents Plus Programme where you can avail of the support of other parents making the same journey.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a workshop on Positive Parenting when Separated on February 24th, 2026. See solutiontalk.ie
