Relationships and friendships often may not last as we are consistently challenged in maintaining certain connections for a whole host of personal and social reasons. There has perhaps been no greater a challenge than that of the pandemic, which tested even our strongest connections.
Recent research from marketing communications company Core has shown that, since the pandemic, people are struggling to maintain close connections, with one in three people saying they do not have enough time to maintain friendships. Friendships, however, are vital for our happiness and health, as well as playing an important role in our society and economy.
“Secure friendships are crucial to our wellbeing,” says Anne Brannick, a relationship mentor. “We are tribal by nature, and we need each other. Because we have been so reliant on social media for contact over the course of the lockdowns and pandemic, some people have lost contact with their friends. They have become out of the habit of meeting up. There is a real need to create social engagements and no longer resort to wine and Netflix, where people can meet up outside of work. People may have become used to being without other people.”
According to the research, men aged 18 to 44 are significantly more likely than women of the same age to state “lack of time” as a main reason for not being able to maintain friendships. A majority, 68 per cent, said it is more difficult to meet new people now, with three in five saying they sometimes feel lonely. Despite 87 per cent of people saying they are content with the social relationships or friendships in their life, the research revealed that there is a significant interest in meeting new people, with almost half (48 per cent) of adults wanting to make new connections.
“There is nothing quite as satisfying and a boost to your mental wellbeing as a friend who genuinely gets you, who can hear exactly what you mean, who affirms you, and is a good listener,” says Brannick. “Many people feel their friends get them more than their spouse. The friend, of course, is out of range of the mental load of the household, conflict over division of labour, and so are not involved in the day-to-day challenges in that home. But a good friend holds a space where one can have independent laughter and fun, unburdening of problems and concerns, or take part in pleasurable activities.
The research found that best friends are usually made earlier in life, with one in three meeting through school or their local area
“Maintaining close friendships means valuing both parties, each other’s opinion, time and communication to be mindful of boundaries. It is a strain on a relationship when one person is too clingy, always wanting to hang on to their friend beyond when a person says they need to go, or when only one friend is being heard. We need to make space for equal conversations for each person’s development and growth.”
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The research found that best friends are usually made earlier in life, with one in three meeting through school or their local area. This may play a role in how over two thirds (68 per cent) of those questioned believe it is becoming more difficult to socialise with new people, with men in their 30s and younger women aged between 18 to 44 most likely to experience this.
‘Self-empowering’
To maintain the friendships we already have, Brannick suggests that we need to observe our own behaviour, feelings and thoughts so that we can become conscious of what we really need for ourselves or in relation to the other. “This is self-empowering behaviour,” she says. “Most people don’t want to lose the relationship.”
Brannick highlights that how a person feels about themselves will hugely influence how they are with others. “If you have experienced predominantly insecure relationships where conflict is pushed under the carpet, only one person’s opinion matters, inequality or favouritism for siblings, humiliation or harsh rejection, you may well struggle in friendships because, like most of us, you will have had to have created unconscious protectors to get your needs met.”
In other words, Brannick says, “you will be afraid to be yourself although you may not yet be aware of that fear. You will bring these protective behaviours into all your adult relationships. As you realise you unconsciously created the protector of, say, people-pleasing, not speaking up, addiction to suppress pain for fear of losing the relationship, you are in a better place to make conscious choices for yourself. You won’t be trying to second guess your friend or swallow down your pain. You will gradually start to focus on your own needs. A person who values you as a friend will welcome the warmth and opportunity to deepen the friendship and examine their own behaviour.”
On the opposite end, throughout our lives, friendships may need to end and Brannick suggests that this is often as a result of personal boundaries.
The research revealed there is still a significant interest in meeting new people, with new connections becoming a post-pandemic priority
“Sometimes people leave the friendship because they have become more aware of what boundaries they really need,” says Brannick, “and the other person refuses to stop dominating or even gaslighting despite their best efforts. The person who is dominating, gaslighting with narcissistic tendencies, is unconsciously protective and in need of support simply because they are unconsciously terrified of being their real selves. Only they have the answer to the source of their unconscious behaviour. It is not your job to change them. It is your job to be clear on your boundary, and if they are unwilling to examine and reflect on their own behaviour, to seek out more secure individuals as friends, people who will welcome and value you as you value yourself.”
Despite 87 per cent of people surveyed saying that they are happy with their social relationships, the research revealed there is still a significant interest in meeting new people, with new connections becoming a post-pandemic priority. Yet, over two thirds of those people believe it is becoming more difficult with socialise and connect with new people.
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“It has been said we were never more connected and yet further apart,” says Brannick. “But could texting or twittering ever take the place of really meeting up? Creating new friendships is best done through mutual interest. Many people before the pandemic were on the go all the time. The pandemic made people be still and stay at home.”
Brannick suggests joining a club such as kayaking, walking, cycling, aikido, martial arts, knitting, chess, drama, or anything at all, to make a first step towards making new friends. “Clubs tend to be welcoming places,” she says, “and schedule social engagements outside of events. Volunteering in your local area is also a good way to meet people. Learning to play a musical instrument invariably leads to some form of social engagement.”
The shift in friendship dynamics since the pandemic has created new obstacles with remote working. However, it is promising to see that our present connections can be strengthened and that new friendships are always on the horizon.
