Losing a family member, spouse or loved one is always difficult, but it is hard to imagine any greater heartache than losing a child.
Cheryl and Ian Bruwer know exactly what this feels like.
In January 2024, their beloved eldest son, Corban, died just two weeks after his 19th birthday.
He was, according to his mum, a gentle soul, who enjoyed playing sports and computer games, as well as spending time with family, going fishing with his dad, and being a great big brother to 17-year-old Conlan and 13-year-old Callan.
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An easy-going teenager, it was out of character for him to complain of aches and pains, so when he began to experience pain in his pelvis in 2022 it was initially thought that he had pulled a muscle. But after he developed constipation, he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with irritable-bowel syndrome.
However, instead of improving, his symptoms worsened and after being taken to the doctor again, he was referred to hospital, where he underwent tests that revealed the worst possible news. “After he threw up at school, Ian took him to the doctor and from there he went straight to hospital, where, following tests, they found a mass in the pelvic area and in some of his lymph nodes,” says Cheryl.
“He got transferred to St Vincent’s hospital, where they did a biopsy and, although results wouldn’t come through for a few weeks, he was kept in hospital as his symptoms got worse and his kidneys started failing. I didn’t deal with it very well initially, as I kept breaking down, and Ian had to do the overnights in hospital. My mom had died suddenly in 2017 after spending a week in hospital, and then my dad died in 2020 after just a few days of being sick with what he was told was just sinusitis, so I really struggled with doctors.
“I just wanted my boy home, and it was very hard for him, at 17, to be in an adult hospital with all these consultants walking into the room and no one quite telling him what was going on. He felt really overwhelmed. However, most of the nurses were amazing and made him feel very cared for, so I will always be grateful to them.”
Test results revealed the teenager from Wicklow had rhabdomyosarcoma, the most common soft-tissue sarcoma in children, and his initial treatment involved nine rounds of chemotherapy, followed by a course of radiotherapy, after which the results were positive.
But, unfortunately, this good news did not last.
Corban used to knock at my bedroom door at 2am to ask if I was I awake and did I want a cup of tea with him. I would always get up, as that moment would otherwise be lost – I used to love the chats we had
“They never really told us a prognosis at the beginning. In fact, we didn’t know what was happening half the time, partly because we were in shock,” says Cheryl. “Eventually, I started trying to ask more questions and, in August 2023, was told that his scans were clear and he could do maintenance if he wanted, but the doctor didn’t really recommend it. Then, in November 2023, he went for his three-month check-up – and we were told that the cancer had come back in a few places and that it was terminal.
“It was really hard on the whole family – and in the last few weeks, I don’t think Ian and I were functioning at all. The boys’ schools were very understanding and supportive towards Conlan and Callan, who both missed a lot of time. In fact, in December 2023, I made the call to keep them at home to spend time with Corban and play family games together. When he got diagnosed, I had this motto of living in the moment – I was not going to wait for him to get better, we were going to take each moment he was feeling okay and do something as a family.
“Through the CFFC” – the Cancer Fund For Children – “we went up to Daisy Lodge in Northern Ireland, and although Corban was throwing up in the car on the way there, as he’d just finished a round of chemo, he didn’t complain and we had such a relaxing weekend together as a family.
“We thought we had a few years left, but on Monday, 15th of January 2024, he was admitted to hospital, as he wasn’t feeling great. The next day, we were told that the cancer had progressed a lot, but there was a new chemotherapy they could try. This was given to him on the Wednesday, but he died the following day.”
The grieving mother says the entire family has been left heartbroken at the loss of their beautiful boy, who remained upbeat and uncomplaining throughout his illness. But despite the huge pain they are undeniably going through, they decided to share their story so they could help others who are going through something similar.
“Claire from the CFFC came to the house and she was really great for all of us, especially Corban,” she says. “He wasn’t feeling well and had kind of regressed to the point of not wanting to go out to see friends. But the first time she came out to visit, they really clicked and he started opening up to her – I think they even played some table tennis outside. It was really good to see him chatting to someone else and opening up about how he was feeling. I think he needed that one-on-one interaction, but hadn’t wanted to see a counsellor.
“My advice to anyone else going through something like this would be to live in the moment. Don’t wait for the day when they are better, but also try not to worry about tomorrow, because it is hard. Corban used to knock at my bedroom door at 2am to ask if I was I awake and did I want a cup of tea with him. I would always get up, as that moment would otherwise be lost – I used to love the chats we had.
“I would also encourage people to surround themselves with others who can listen and support. I had an amazing group of friends who were always just a phone call away – and that helped a lot. Also, I would say, don’t read about diagnoses on Google as there is honestly no point – and it will just stress you out. It took me a while to understand, but people used to always tell me to be kind to myself and take time out and after a while I used to do something arty like wreath making or painting ceramics. I found that it was good for resetting my battery a little. But I wish there was a handbook with all the supports available.”
Despite the cruel nature of his disease, Corban remained positive until the end, doing his utmost to help everyone through their grief – and although he is no longer here, his memory will undoubtedly live in his family’s heart for the rest of their lives. “Corban died in hospital and Claire from CFFC was visiting him that day,” says Cheryl. “She told us that one of the nurses said that while Ian and I were in a palliative care meeting, he was buzzing the nurses to come in to him and when they went in to see how they could help, he said that he just wanted to give them a hug – they were really touched by this.”
CFFC is currently supporting 260 families in Ireland, and in the past year the team has carried out hundreds of home visits as well as both individual and hospital-based support sessions. “Following Corban’s death, I provided bereavement support to the family,” says Claire Kennelly. “Part of the beauty of the cancer-support-specialist role is the relationships built over time with families, often during an intense and overwhelming period of their lives. And, because of the relationship built with Corban and his family, there was space for them to grieve, talk about him and share memories. The time together meant I knew Corban, his kind nature, his thoughtfulness and deep empathy towards others and his huge love for his family.”
Cheryl tells another story about Corban’s thoughtfulness. “My sister, Kathryn, brother-in-law Ben, niece Rebecca, nephew Joshua and my family were all in the hospital room – and when they were going, Corban said: ‘Why are you all so sad? I’m going to be fine.’ That is the last thing he said, before dying a few hours later with Ian and I both holding his hands as he passed away.
“We will always hold Corban in spirit and honour him with what was important to him; caring for one another, showing fairness and kindness and always putting family first.”
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