Dear Roe,
My husband and I are married 25 years. Our relationship has been through tough times and is very rocky. From my perspective, it hangs by a thread. Unfortunately, my husband’s brother, who is recently separated, has asked to live with us for a few months until he gets settled. He’s retired, as is my husband. I work. Early in our marriage, there was high conflict about my husband’s drinking, late nights out and lack of support around the house. My husband’s behaviour since retiring has moderated and things are mostly good. His brother, however, is a heavy drinker, domineering and argumentative, and I would view him as somewhat misogynistic and dismissive of women. When the brothers got together in the past, my husband reverts to his old ways. I want to say no to this situation but my husband will accuse me of never supporting his family in times of need as he does for mine. He is caring and goes out of his way to help everyone. He has difficulty saying no as he doesn’t want to offend anyone. I am fearful for my relationship as I am stressed with care for elderly mother visiting her regularly in a nursing home miles from where we live. Also our home is small, I am a light sleeper – early to bed and up early. My husband is the opposite and so is his brother. Noise travels and everything can be heard from room to room. There will be little privacy or quietness. We also have an adult son living with us, and his girlfriend visits and stays over a number of times through the week. I want to move out! I want to offer support but not at the cost of our relationship or my sanity.
You are in an incredibly difficult position, trying to balance compassion with self-preservation. You’ve worked hard to reach a more stable place in your marriage after years of struggle, and now you’re being asked to accommodate a situation that threatens that hard-won peace. Your fears are not just reasonable; they are wise. You know your husband, you know his brother, and you have a painful history that tells you exactly how this could unfold. You also have a very real and pressing need for quiet, rest, and stability – none of which this arrangement seems likely to provide.
Your husband’s kindness and generosity are admirable, but if that generosity consistently comes at your expense, it ceases to be kindness – it becomes a pattern of self-sacrifice that risks breaking the most important relationship in his life. His difficulty saying no to others cannot mean that you must always be the one to bend.
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Your husband has two families. He does not get to support one at the absolute detriment of the other
So here’s the hard truth: you are not obliged to open your home to someone who makes you feel unsafe, emotionally or otherwise. And you should not feel guilty for setting a boundary that protects your wellbeing and marriage.
Instead of framing this as a refusal to support his family, frame it as a way to protect your relationship. “I love you, and I want to keep our marriage strong. I fear that having your brother here will harm both of us. I need a solution that supports him but doesn’t cost us everything.” This shifts the conversation from one of opposition to one of teamwork, because that’s what a marriage should be.
Your husband can and may well bring out the rhetoric of “family must always help each other” – but he can’t use that term selectively. He has two families – his family of origin, including his brother, and the family he has built with you and your son. He does not get to support one at the absolute detriment of the other. So if he brings up the idea of supporting family, don’t argue, but keep returning to the idea that you are also trying to support your family – the one you built together. Frame the conversation as you prioritising your existing family’s wellbeing, and brainstorming ways to preserve that.
Express what you appreciate about family life right now, and what you find challenging. Tell your husband that you’re so grateful that your marriage has overcome hard times and that you feel it’s in a good place. Express how much stability and solace you find in your routine, as well as the stress and anxiety your own mother’s situation is adding to your life and how much you need some peace, quiet and privacy in your home to allow you to continue to not only work but care for her and your family in a sustainable way. Express that this quiet time is already disrupted by the presence of your son and his girlfriend and how you need to fiercely protect the little rest time and privacy you do get.
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By laying out what you appreciate about your life and highlighting the existing challenges, you can then share your concerns about your husband’s brother moving in. Highlight the threat to your marriage, the disruption to your rest and routine, and the high possibility of you feeling antagonised and disrespected in your home – the one place you are supposed to get some rest and respite. Express your love for your husband and your fear that his behaviour will change in a way that has harmed your relationship before. Express that you feel the family is at capacity both emotionally and spatially and your concern of having someone else move in for an indefinite period of time.
Ask your husband to help you think through options that work for everyone. Can your brother-in-law stay somewhere else, perhaps with another family member or a rental nearby? If he does stay with you, there be a clear time limit on his stay, with non-negotiable boundaries, for example no drinking in the house, quiet hours at night and clear household expectations? Would your husband consider staying with his brother in another location for part of the time? Bringing your son into this conversation could also help, as it highlights the idea that this is an issue that affects the whole family and needs family input – and could also give you the opportunity to set some boundaries around the amount of time your son’s girlfriend spends at the house, too.
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If your husband agrees to set boundaries with his brother that seem bearable – a clear timeline for his stay, an agreement to respect noise and bedtimes in the house and most importantly, respectful behaviour towards you – then have a family meeting with your brother-in-law. Your husband must lead this, not you. If your husband wants to help his brother, he has to take responsibility for also helping your family by making the boundaries and expectations clear to his brother, and enforcing them. You are not to be made the scapegoat or killjoy here.
If your husband refuses to compromise and insists on bringing his brother in without any boundaries, then do what you need to do to protect yourself. If that means stepping away temporarily, whether that means renting a quiet place for yourself or staying with friends or family, then so be it. You are allowed to take care of yourself.
The key here is not to let this turn into a battle where you’re the villain. You’re not. You are someone who has already carried a great deal, who is already stretched thin with caregiving and stress, and who deserves a home that feels safe. Loving someone doesn’t mean allowing them to bulldoze your needs. It means working together to find a solution that honours both of you.
I hope your husband can hear that. I hope he values the marriage he’s built with you enough to fight for it. And I hope you continue to fight for yourself – because you matter, too.
