Dear Roe,
I’m a woman in my 40s and last year I told my husband of 11 years that I wanted a divorce. We don’t have children. We have known each other since our 20s, and while he’s a good man, we have grown apart. The last five years have been lonely and full of fights and resentment, though he claims to still want to stay together. For me, I feel that I’ve been communicating about what I needed to change for years. I’ve asked for date nights, to do activities together, I’ve asked for more help in our home, and for more affection and curiosity to be expressed towards me.
Over the past 10 years, I’ve grown, changed jobs to something I love and gained new interests. My ex wasn’t interested in any of it, wasn’t interested in the ways I was changing, wasn’t interested in changing the way we were together and certainly wasn’t interested in changing himself – not that he should have to, but the incompatibility just grew. I really tried to talk to him about it for years but by the end, we were both deeply unhappy. I moved out last year, but my ex refuses to accept that we’re over, as do our friends and family.
My parents, his parents and our friends are all telling me not throw our life away. But I haven’t seen or heard anything from my ex to indicate that he actually understands why I left, and to be honest, I’m just done. I fought for years to make it work, and I’ve nothing left. At the same time, I am sad and find living alone for the first time in decades difficult. I’m trying to focus on my work and other friends I’ve met over the past few years who aren’t as invested in us as a couple, but I worry that everyone who knows me best thinks I’m making a mistake. Am I?
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I don’t think the people who are telling you to get back with your ex actually do know you best. I think they, like your ex, knew you best at one time, a long time ago. They knew a version of you that was enmeshed with him, a young version, a small version, a version that you have been outgrowing for a long, long time. You say in your letter that you’ve changed and evolved massively over the past few years, pursing a fulfilling new career and interests you never imagined doing before. You have new friends, a new lease on life. You have grown. You have changed. You are stepping into yourself in a way you never have before – and guess what? Some people in your life haven’t kept up the pace. They’re still tied to an old, small version of you, a version of you that is smaller, more predictable, unchanging.
They’re invested in that old version of you in the same way your ex was – because it makes them comfortable. That vision of you fulfils a certain role in their life, one that gives them a sense of stability, consistency and comfort. If you don’t change, they don’t have to either. But you have changed. You’ve grown beyond the confines of that old version of yourself, and that’s a beautiful, powerful thing. It’s also why your friends and families’ assertions that you should get back with your ex – well-meaning as they may be – are not necessarily a reflection of what’s right for you now. They are speaking from their own fears, their own need for familiarity, their own discomfort with change. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you; it means they don’t fully understand you as you are now.
And that’s okay. You don’t need others to understand for your decision to be valid. You don’t need universal approval to walk the path that feels right for you. You know how hard you’ve worked. You know how lonely you’ve been, how trapped you’ve felt. You’ve already done the hardest thing – you stayed, you tried, you fought for this relationship, for years. And when you saw it wasn’t working, when you recognised that staying would mean shrinking, you made the choice to step away. That choice wasn’t made lightly. It wasn’t impulsive. It was the result of deep reflection, pain, and an understanding that you deserve more than loneliness inside a marriage.
[ ‘Has my friends-to-lovers relationship doomed me to boring sex?’Opens in new window ]
That doesn’t mean this isn’t hard. Even the right decisions can carry grief. Even when we know we’re choosing what’s best for us, it’s natural to mourn what we once hoped for, the love that once was, and the stability we’re leaving behind. Living alone after years of companionship is an adjustment. But solitude is not the same as loneliness. Right now, you’re in the in-between – the place where the old life is behind you, but the new life hasn’t fully unfolded yet. This part can feel uncertain and shaky, but it’s also full of possibility.
That possibility, by the way? It isn’t just for you. You’ve opened up the possibility of a different life for your ex, too. Right now, your ex may be holding on to the idea of getting back together, but the truth is, this decision is ultimately better for him too, even if he and his allies can’t see it yet. He deserves a partner who is with him fully and enthusiastically, not someone who stays out of obligation, guilt, or pressure from others. Letting go gives him the chance to find someone who is naturally aligned with him, someone who wants the same kind of relationship he does, rather than trying to force something that has already run its course. When your friends and family put pressure on you to return to him, ask them why they want him to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t delighted to be there. Ask them do they not want more for him, as well as you?
It’s time for some boundary setting with the people in your life. Talk of reconciling with your ex is now off the table. If friends and family start, tell them you love them but won’t be engaging with this any more, and leave. Set boundaries with your actions as well as words. And as for you, when you start to doubt yourself, interrupt your spirals of self-blame by remembering the simple facts.
You did not leave impulsively; you left after years of trying to make it work. You are not responsible for making other people comfortable with your choices. Just because others don’t understand your decision doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Even if your ex is sad, that does not mean you should sacrifice your happiness. Both of you can be sad about a decision that is ultimately right for both of you.
[ ‘My ex has broken up with me six times in eight years. How do I break the cycle?’Opens in new window ]
Take care of yourself as you navigate this. Pour love into yourself the way you once poured it into your marriage. Build routines that bring you comfort. Find small joys in your day. Be gentle with yourself on the hard days. Invest in your friendships, especially the ones that recognise who you are now. Seek out people who support your growth, not just your past. And when doubt creeps in, remember this: you are not obligated to stay in something that made you unhappy just because other people think you should. You are allowed to trust yourself. You are allowed to want more.
With time, the people who truly love you will see that you didn’t throw your life away. You reclaimed it. Good luck.
