My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leave

Question

My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leave. We are both in our mid-30s and have been close since our early teens. We both come from dysfunctional backgrounds and have been through a lot together. She has been in this relationship for about 10 years. In that time, they have gone through frequent bad patches and breakups, but inevitably get back together soon after.

He’s not kind to her. She has had to give up things she wanted, like marriage, because they are not what he wants. Years ago, she would have talked about having kids some day too, but now she claims to be “childfree by choice”, even though it was him that made that decision for them too. They have both cheated on each other. The relationship just seems miserable on all sides.

I want to support her and be a good friend to her, but I’m not sure what that looks like right now. Should I tell her the truth, that I really think they need to break up because they would both be happier, or accept her decision as an adult to keep going back to somewhere she’s not happy?

We already don’t talk about her relationship much because she knows I don’t think much of him.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

Answer

As a good friend, it is very difficult to witness ongoing suffering and perhaps your friend avoids the topic with you because she is worried about losing your support.

Our friends often have a very good take on our relationships, but it is hard to give advice or guidance to someone who does not want it. However, friendship probably requires that some conversation about this needs to be had and perhaps you could begin by saying that you will be a support and a fellow traveller with her in life, no matter what. It is always lovely if our life partners get on well with our close friends, but there is no guarantee of this happening and sometimes we must allow that this is not a possibility.

Rather than telling your friend of your disapproval, could you ask her what she needs and if she would like a sounding ear to run her fears and concerns by? She is already aware that you do not think her partner is good enough for her and she might feel she is betraying him by talking to you about him, so maybe you could ask her to tell him that she needs your support.

Is it betrayal for her to talk about her disappointments and losses?

What would allow her to speak more freely?

How can you be of help?

[ ‘My lovely husband has changed . . . and I am one of the people he has pushed away’Opens in new window ]

It may well be that, in order to be of help, you must first manage your own criticism of her partner and find a way to accept him. This will not be easy for you, but you might be able to agree that everyone has potential, and her partner too has capacity for change. Criticism always divides relationships, and it blocks you from seeing any openness in him to self-reflect, yet he too continues to return to a situation that is not good. What can you draw out of him that might allow for a shift in perspective?

He may not have anyone who cares enough about him to appeal to his better self – this may be a step too far for you, but worth considering. Your friend cares deeply for him and if she feels you understand something of this, she may be more open to discussion.

It sounds as though your friend is operating from a place of fear (she is lessening her own goals to match his) and I wonder if this is related to the dysfunctional backgrounds you both share. She may be trying (as many do) to sort out her family relationships in her current coupledom and this never bodes well for success. You could be a role model for her and tell her that you are going to seek help (therapy) to better understand yourself in relationships and ask if she would like to join you in a search for this service. Your own insights from therapy might allow you to offer more nuanced support to your friend and demonstrate to her the power of talking with an objective other.

[ ‘My lover has told me of another relationship. I’m worried the stress might kill him’Opens in new window ]

Couple therapy for your friend and her partner might currently seem like a non-possibility, but there is no doubt that people who are suffering can benefit a great deal from this type of intervention, and sometimes it is only when we are in huge pain that we reach out for help.

To be of use to your friend, be clear that nothing will disrupt your support of her, manage your own criticism of her boyfriend and model a way towards a more reflective practice for both of you.

She is lucky to have a friend who cares so much for her, so take this opportunity to stretch yourself and when she feels you really get her attachment, she may be open to challenge.