Your child is coming to the end of secondary school. It’s time for them to make big decisions about their future. How involved should you be?
This is a tricky balance for parents and guardians. Ideally, your child needs to do the research and form-filling themselves; after all, you won’t be there to hold their hand in college.
All well and good if your child is a relatively independent self-starter, but you know them best, and maybe they do need more support than most of their classmates. The worst-case scenario, after all, is if they make big mistakes with their research and application, and find themselves in a course they don’t enjoy.
“Like any aspect of parenting, you want to have an interest in their life, without directing them,” says Neil McCann, a guidance counsellor at St Vincent’s Secondary School in Glasnevin, Dublin 11.
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“At this stage of their lives, you are helping to prepare them for adult life, and part of that involves withdrawing slightly. Your child is becoming an adult, so you have to take the training wheels off.
“That said, there’s a conversation about the course and the college, including around financing and what is viable. Can you or they afford rent if they go to college in Dublin, or move to the UK?”
Students are assessed on their eligibility for the grant based on the income of their parents, which also means that parents have to be involved in this process (arguably a deeply unfair system for any young person who is estranged from their parents due to abuse, neglect or, often, because they are a member of the LGBTQI+ community and their parents have rejected them).
McCann says that the main focus for parents should be on listening.
“I’d suggest around 85 per cent of the conversation should involve the parent or guardian listening, and the other 15 per cent talking. The student is making choices about their life, interests and future. We can bring our own experience to bear, but students at that age are also listening to teachers, their guidance counsellor and, most of all, their peers.”
Liam Ryan, undergraduate student recruitment manager at the University of Limerick, says the student needs to be the decision-maker and to lead any discussion of their passions and interests.
“A parent or guardian can add an element of oversight, advice based on their life experience, and someone to ensure that all the i’s are dotted and t’s crossed. Does or will your child meet the entry requirements? Are there options to study abroad or do a work placement?”
While a young person may need help with their applications, over 20 per cent of people living in Ireland were born abroad.
Even many Irish parents who went to third-level themselves worry about how to fill in the CAO form, and ensure their child hits every date and target – so it’s a lot harder for any parent or guardian who didn’t go through the Irish education system, or perhaps didn’t go to third-level themselves.
This, however, is an issue that guidance counsellors are acutely aware of. While they do their best to stay on top of it and ensure that no deadline is missed and no form is filled inaccurately, they can have 100 or more students under their supervision, so things can slip through the cracks. With this in mind, it’s a good idea for parents to have some basic familiarity with the process.
McCann, however, says that the main role of a parent or guardian is simply to listen and ask questions.
“What you want is a sense that the student is becoming the ‘expert’ on a particular course, college or career.
“Say, for instance, they’re interested in computers and looking at courses in that area. ‘I think I’d like it’ isn’t necessarily a solid basis, so you could ask them about the minimum entry requirements, the modules and what options they have after the first year of the course.
“If they’re interested in engineering in UCD, you should have a sense from speaking to them that they have done their research,” McCann advises.
Ryan says that parents and guardians should try to encourage their child, rather than persuade them or push them towards a particular course.
“Ask them what their interests are and what courses they’re thinking about, and then you can advise and support,” he says.
One of the easiest mistakes made by parents and guardians is to assume that everything is more or less like it was when they sat their Leaving Cert and went to college. Most parents or guardians of the class of 2025 or 2026 went to college in the 1990s, before the internet was fully established and long before Solas, the further education and training agency, was even set up.
“The old system of being a doctor or lawyer and sticking to that industry forever – it’s long gone,” says Ryan.
“There is still an element of certain hard or technical skills in demand, but a lot of employers are looking for soft skills, such as the ability to communicate well. They’re often more interested in that than the title of a degree.”
McCann agrees, stating that education has changed hugely.
“We have a different awareness of learning and different styles, and we know more about individual learners and how they learn. As educators, we know that the Leaving Certificate is an old-fashioned metric of skills and ability. The CAO and the Leaving Cert do give a leg-up to students who are very academic, but they are not the only way any more.
“Yes, parents and guardians know their child, but going to college and getting a degree doesn’t suit everyone: it’s not statistically possible. Listen to them, know who they are, identify their skills and interests. They may be happier, for instance, doing an apprenticeship.”
McCann points out that apprenticeships are a job-ready qualification. Parents who went to school in the 1990s may remember apprenticeships as focused on trades like plumbing, bricklaying and motor mechanics; they may be unaware that apprenticeships today also include options like agriculture and horticulture, engineering, finance, insurance, logistics, property services, recruitment and sales.
Students also have more access routes to third-level than before, with many Post-Leaving Cert courses leading on to higher education. In addition, courses from the National Tertiary Office don’t involve a CAO application, with students doing a year of further education before transferring into a higher education institution.
“If parents have been through the CAO process before, they probably know the beats,” says McCann.
“They do need to know time frames, deadlines and key dates. Most schools will organise a parents’ evening where they go through this information, which is especially important for parents or guardians whose first child is passing through the system.”
It’s okay to acknowledge that this is a lot, and can be stressful, says Ryan.
“You’ll hear that your time in university are the best years of your life, but it can be tough, especially if you’re losing the safety net of home. It’s a good idea to help ease that transition by, for example, ensuring they learn to cook and budget before leaving home.”
Ultimately, Ryan says, the main job of a parent or guardian is to ensure that the young person has taken the decision with care and gravity.
“As long as they have researched the course and college, know what they’re getting into, and arrive with an understanding of the programmes and outcomes, that’s what matters most,” he says.
A checklist for parents and guardians
- UL’s career service has produced a guide, Aiming Higher: A Guide for Parents and Students, which provides excellent advice, prompts and worksheets for parents seeking to understand the third-level application process.
It’s a really useful tool to take the doubt and uncertainty out of what can be a stressful process.
The guide talks parents and guardians through higher education in Ireland, what the different jargon means, how to finance third-level, how to guide a young person’s decision-making without overwhelming the process, the application process and CAO timelines, and other access routes for people who may not want to go directly to third-level (or to third-level at all), and other useful resources.
It’s available for free online and is relevant to any parent or guardian whose child is in senior cycle.
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