Dear Roe,
I moved from London back to my parents’ house in the early stages of lockdown. I’d lost my job and my flat, my relationship had ended, and it felt — still feels — like the lowest point of my life. Living with my parents, who are in their 60s, has been very difficult: they’re extremely co-dependent, my mother does everything for my father (who as far as I know can’t even toast a slice of bread for himself) and she always backs him up when he espouses problematic opinions.
What’s more is I can hear them having loud sex every Sunday morning through the wall beside my bed. I know it’s unreasonable to ask them to keep it down in their own house, but it clouds my entire weekend with anxiety and I feel like I’m slowly suffocating. I’ve expressed to my mother that my mental health is suffering and that I could really use some help, but she’s dealt with this information by largely avoiding me and spending all her time with my father.
I’m desperately trying to get myself together again so I can move out, but I can’t go on like this. What do I do?
I’m truly sorry that you’re having such a hard time. Covid-19 has impacted our lives in so many ways, and what seems really truly unfair is that on top of this horrendous pandemic, we also still have to cope with the struggles of day-to-day life without our usual routines and distractions and support systems to ease the pain. You’ve been through some enormous life changes – the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a move – which would be a stressful constellation of changes to navigate under normal circumstances, for anyone.
The fact that you’re also trying to cope with Covid restrictions, that you’ve left the city that you were living in independently, and are back living with your parents is a huge amount to cope with. But do not overestimate your personal role in this. You may not feel in control of your life right now, but this isn’t because you have somehow failed. It’s because the world is out control right now.
You have not done anything wrong to be struggling during a global pandemic, and to be suffering from a widespread, systemic economic and rental crisis
In May, there were 600,000 people left unemployed during Covid, and those numbers are decreasing – but are still incredibly high. A huge number of Irish people in their mid-20s and older are living with their parents, thanks to the renting and housing crisis. A report released by Eurofound earlier this year showed that the rate of Irish people aged 25-29 living with their parents is one of the highest in Europe, and has jumped from 11.2 percentage points to 47.2 per cent between 2007 and 2017.
So, you are far from alone in your circumstances. You have not done anything wrong to be struggling during a global pandemic, and to be suffering from a widespread, systemic economic and rental crisis. Whenever you start beating yourself up about your situation, think about those numbers, about all the other people struggling with the same situation you are. Are you judging all of them as harshly as you are judging yourself? I doubt it. So extend some of the compassion you extend to other people to yourself right now.
Your anxiety right now is thus completely understandable, but you don't need to endure it alone. I would strongly urge you to look up therapists who are offering sliding scale fees, or look up the HSE website – hse.ie – which has a list of free or low-cost mental health services offering support online or over the phone. You deserve support right now. Please take the first step and reach out for it.
As for your current living situation with your parents, I think you probably know that your parents’ sex life is not the issue here. While I understand most people don’t love thinking about their parents’ sex lives, let alone hearing it every weekend, the fact that a married couple in their 60s are having raucous sex every weekend is pretty fantastic. Your parents are still attracted to each other and connected to each other and enjoying themselves. Good for them! I hope that when you’re their age you’re also still enjoying a healthy and active sex life.
Hearing them have sex may be a particular trigger for your anxiety right now because their relationship generally stresses you out, or because it’s a reminder that they have each other in a time when you feel alone, or just because you don’t have your own space.
But right now, you’ve created a feedback loop of anxiety where you know hearing them is going to cause you anxiety, so you feel anxious beforehand; you don’t do anything to prevent yourself from hearing it which makes you anxious; then you’ve heard it and feel anxious in the aftermath. You need to interrupt your routine, and there are obvious practical solutions to this. Move your bed so it’s against a different wall. Buy earplugs, or noise-eliminating headphones. Or better yet: get out of the house. Start a new routine of going for a walk every Sunday morning, or bringing the newspapers or a book or a sketchpad to a park or cafe, or look up where you can volunteer. Start blasting a Sunday Mass on the radio incredibly loudly so that they can hear. (I’m joking).
But don't repeat an anxiety loop by only reaching out to people who may not be willing or capable of giving you the support you need
The theme here is that you do not get to control your parents – but you do get to control your actions. You can continue to hold on to your own independence, even in their home, by doing things for yourself – and maybe even doing things for your mother, so the household dynamic is altered somewhat. You can set boundaries for yourself, such as challenging your father on his views or simply telling him you won’t discuss certain topics. You could try speak to your mother about your feelings again and this time give her specific things she could help with – if you need to talk, tell her you need to vent and would appreciate some reassurance. If you would like some time together away from your father, suggest specific activities to do or places to go. She may simply not know how to help you, and could use some instruction.
And if she’s still incapable of helping you right now, you still have choices. You can acknowledge that her inability to support you is about her own emotional awareness and articulation, not a failure of yours. But don’t repeat an anxiety loop by only reaching out to people who may not be willing or capable of giving you the support you need. Reach out to friends, and reach out to professionals. Remember: you are not alone.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe