Dear Roe,
In a few of your columns, you recommend using online dating sites and apps. I'm a 28-year-old straight woman and have been using apps on and off for years, and I find them terrible. Yes, I've met one or two decent men, but overall it seems to be a mess of empty profiles and boring messages that lead nowhere. Obviously I've only seen the profiles of straight men in my age range, so maybe others are better. But I find because the standard of profiles are so low, it actually takes a lot of time and effort to even figure out if someone is worth a date. But this now seems to be the norm, so maybe I'm actually the one who doesn't understand the protocol here. Am I just doing this wrong?
I don’t know if there exists a “right” or “wrong” way to use dating apps (though I do know that anyone fulfilling the classic dating app horror story of sending unsolicited nude photographs are failing every standard of “right” that could possibly exist.)
My suspicion, however, is that you’re using dating sites and apps thoughtfully while many people are not. And online, as in life, being thoughtful is important.
Perhaps the best course of action here is to invite other users of dating apps and sites to be similarly thoughtful, and to give them a framework of what that could look like.
I know that many people using these apps purely for casual dating or casual sex will immediately dismiss this advice as not being applicable to them, because they think that casual dating or sex doesn’t require any thoughtfulness. They’re wrong. Any and all interactions with another human being – sexual or otherwise – demand some level of thoughtfulness.
Judging photos
Your experiences of empty profiles and unread profiles are understandably discouraging for you, but it also feels disappointing on a larger scale. There’s something undeniably sad about using technology designed to connect us and not even trying; spending time judging people’s photographs but not reading their profiles, uploading your own photograph to be judged but not filling out your own profile.
There’s a degree of cowardice in wanting sex or dates or a relationship but not putting in the fairly minimal work of telling other people what you have to offer; a cowardice often disguised as laziness or apathy.
It’s a fear of our own feelings and desires; a fear of the vulnerability it takes to admit that you desire to connect with someone. It’s a fear of taking the time to think about why you want to connect with someone else, and examining what you have to offer them.
Your reactions
Reading other people’s profiles would seem to be the obvious first step. This is, of course, to find out a bit about the other person’s interests, desires and personality. But you can also be mindful about your reactions to profiles, and what they reveal about you.
On a dating profile, there should be some indication of how you envision another person fitting into your life
If you’re looking for kindness and stability but get more excited by profiles that focus on adventure and spontaneity, is it because you need some more adventure in your life or is it that you’ve been taught to see adventure as “sexier” than dependability – even if it’s not what you need right now? Are you more forgiving of a lacklustre profile because the person is photogenic, and what does that imply about your value systems?
Pay attention to your own responses, as they are often unconscious but are essentially setting the course for your dating life.
On both your own profile and others, be mindful of the difference between what you enjoy, and what you have to offer someone, as these concepts are vastly different.
Unique
Most people enjoy “food, friends and fun”, so using similarly generic ways to describe yourself reveals nothing about what makes you unique. These types of descriptors also don’t indicate what you’re looking for from a date or partner.
Presenting your life as picture-perfect and complete may make you look fantastic, but on a dating profile, there should also be some indication of how you envision another person fitting into your life.
Suddenly, the ubiquitous and unhelpful "liking food" has transformed into the much more revealing and personality-filled "I've been lucky enough to travel a lot and try different types of weird and wonderful food, which inspired me to start cooking. I'm still learning, but looking for someone to be my official taste-tester! Please deliver all criticism more in the friendly Dad style of Greg Wallace rather than Gordon Ramsey's wrathful screaming."
Suddenly, any prospective messages have something interesting to respond to and ask about, which will hopefully make everyone’s interactions more fulfilling.
Perhaps the most basic tenant of online dating is to accept the harsh-sounding reality that no one will think you’re special unless you tell them why you’re special. As you mention, this is also about respecting people’s time; no one is going to meet up with everyone from a dating app, so doing no work but feeling entitled to someone’s time and attention indicates a laziness or selfishness that is worth rectifying.
Dating apps are about connecting, and connection has to involve some vulnerability, effort and thoughtfulness.
So, let’s all be a bit braver, dig a little deeper, and try a little harder. Good luck.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
