Dear Roe,
Recently I’ve discovered that my boyfriend still has naked photos of a few of his ex-girlfriends on his phone. They were sent consensually during their relationship, but I hate the idea that he could still be looking at these photos while in a relationship with me. When we spoke about it, I didn’t tell him to erase the photos, but I did make it clear I felt uncomfortable. He said I probably couldn’t understand because I never exchanged naked photos with ex-boyfriends. He said he’d never make me throw out photos I have of my exes.
Let this be a public-service announcement to the masses: keeping and looking at naked photos of your exes is creepy.
A disclaimer: yes, there will be those rare people who are completely fine with you keeping their naked photos after a break-up (or after you stop flirting or sexting or sleeping together, if it’s a more casual sexual relationship). But if you haven’t asked for their consent to keep them, you don’t know their answer, and thus don’t have their consent. And if you’re unsure about asking, it’s because you’re worried they will tell you to delete them. So avoiding the conversation is an acknowledgement that they won’t consent, which means you’re looking at their naked photos without consent, which makes you are a creep.
The role of technology in our sexual lives is an ever-shifting relationship, and one we need to constantly interrogate and explore to ensure that it is consensual and respectful. While this young generation is not the first to share naked images of themselves, the ease with which photos can now be sent, stored and shared is unprecedented. So we need to start talking about how to navigate these experiences, explicitly.
The act of sharing a naked photo should not be a source of shame, or an excuse to victim-blame anyone should those photos be shared or uploaded somewhere
Consensually sending naked photos has become a common way for people to share a sexual and intimate moment with a partner. Despite much hand-wringing public discourse – usually deeply sexist discourse that blames young women for sharing photos but doesn’t take men harassing women with unsolicited photos of their genitals seriously at all – the act of sharing a naked photo should not be a source of shame, or an excuse to victim-blame anyone should those photos be shared or uploaded somewhere.
When naked photos are shared or uploaded without the permission of the person, the problem isn’t that someone used a photo to express their sexuality – it’s the person sharing the photo maliciously and without consent; it’s the people who look at the photo knowing they don’t have permission; it’s the shame we impose on people for having bodies and expressing their sexuality.
So we need to start treating this as a consent issue, and talking about it. Couples should discuss their feelings around naked photos, and state whether they’d like each other to delete any photos in the event of a break-up. Exes should be able to reach out and ask for photos to be deleted at any time, and have those requests respected. And again, if you’re someone in possession of naked photos of someone else, aren’t sure if you have permission to keep them, and are to afraid to ask, the answer is: delete them.
As with consent around any sexual act, giving someone consent to view images of your naked body does not mean they have consent forever, or that consent can’t be revoked. Consent, with both sex acts and with sexual images, must be ongoing, informed and enthusiastic. If you no longer know if an ex realises that you still have naked images of them and would be enthusiastic at the prospect, you do not have consent. You do not get access to images of your exes’ naked bodies forever, just like you do not get access to their bodies forever. The same principle of consent applies.
So to end this Public Service Announcement to the masses: if you still have naked photos of your ex, either message them saying “Hi, I just realised that we never discussed what to do about any naked photos we sent each other, and I wanted to let you know that I’m happy to delete them if that’s more comfortable for you” – or just delete them.
You can also tell him that you see looking at naked photos of his ex-girlfriend as disrespectful to your relationship
Which brings us on to you, your boyfriend and his ridiculous comparisons. No, keeping fully-clothed images of your exes is not the same as keeping naked images of your exes. One is commemorating experiences and emotions you shared; the other is maintaining access to a sexual relationship with their body, which may or may not be consensual.
Explain these issues of consent around photos to your boyfriend, and tell him that he either needs explicit permission from his exes to keep the photos, or to delete them. His response to this conversation will tell you a lot about his attitude to consent and respect. You can also tell him that you see looking at naked photos of his ex-girlfriend as disrespectful to your relationship, and ask him not to do so – but you’ll have to trust him on that. But your feelings are valid, as are the wishes of the women whose naked images he’s storing. Make sure he respects both.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford