Question: I met my former husband in our second year of university and we got married within a year of graduation. Although we were young at the time, we both had some experience of previous relationships. Our honeymoon lasted almost three years during which time we travelled around the world partying and finding work where we could. We were madly in love.
In the final few months of our trip, he was actively applying online for jobs and doing Skype interviews. Eventually he was successful and we returned to Ireland. I would have preferred to continue living abroad and taking on casual jobs, but nonetheless we came home and I got a good job in the area that I am qualified in.
We were both reared in different parts of the country. I am from Dublin and I always just assumed wrongly that because of the availability of work he would want to settle and live there. But as it turned out he had other thoughts. So, on our return I lived with my parents and he with his. This was meant to be a temporary arrangement until we sorted out something more permanent.
Initially I could not wait to see him at the weekends, but this changed as time went on. I continued to have an active social life and when he came to stay at the weekends all he wanted to do was sit in and watch television. When we would meet, we would be irritable with each other and argue all of the time.
After six months he told me we had drifted too far apart and he felt we should separate. I was devastated but could see that this made sense.
At the suggestion of my parents, we started to attend an excellent marriage therapist for almost five months. During these sessions we both confirmed that we felt it was better that we go our separate ways. That was more than six years ago and our divorce has long been settled.
We have both had serious relationships with other people but are now both single again. About three months ago we met through a mutual friend and, not for the first time since we broke up, we slept together. This time it was different and we stayed in touch and have met up on a number of occasions. He says that he thinks things are different now and that we are more compatible than ever.
Things are different, we now both enjoy a more sedate lifestyle and for several reasons, geography is not the issue it once was. We do not seem to wind each other up as much as we once did. We both love each other and want to start a family. But I can't help thinking that this might be just another honeymoon period.
Answer: If you both are seriously considering a life together, it would seem a good idea to re-engage with your previous marriage counsellor to work through the issues and fears that might exist. A level of trust already exists and you would have the reassurance of having an objective person to help untangle the possibilities.
If you do decide to commit to each other then marriage may not have the same significance to you as other couples, given you married each other before, so you may need help in finding a way of signifying that you are embarking on a fully committed relationship and the therapist might be able to help you in this regard.
Do you consider your ex as someone you can love and support throughout your life? If the answer is yes, then let go your fearful thoughts
Before making a decision, you should also take into account the people who supported you through the ups and downs of your previous life together. Indeed, it is often the case that our families and friends have a much more clear-eyed view of our relationships than we do ourselves, so they should be listened to carefully.
Your fear that this is another “honeymoon” period is understandable and both of you will need evidence of commitment (through tough times) and this is done mostly through taking the risk of being vulnerable. If this is to work, both of you will have to take the risk of trusting that the other person is there for the long haul and this means managing your anxiety around rejection and failure. If you spend your time being watchful for signs of backing-off from your partner, you will create a relationship of surveillance and judgment and so the decision to commit must come before you engage fully in a life together.
Using both your therapist and your close friends and family as sounding boards you have access to lots of knowledge and guidance with which to make a good decision. With your head clear, judgment operating soundly and your heart open, you should be confident in the way forward.
Do you consider your ex as someone you can love and support throughout your life? If the answer is yes, then let go your fearful thoughts and take the next step towards a life together including having a family together. If you are doubtful then you will need more time and verification of commitment before proceeding, so slow things down until your unease is settled.
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