Dear Roe,
This isn’t a question about relationships really, more the lack of one. I’m a 36-year-old woman who’s been single for two years and I’m fine with that. I dip in and out of dating and if I meet someone, I can see myself getting married – but I don’t want children so don’t feel any sense of rush.
The problem is my family definitely is feeling a sense of rush. My three siblings are married and two have children, and most people my age in my town settled down quite early so I’m the last singleton standing, as it were. I love my family, I love my nieces and nephews, but I’m dreading going home over for Christmas. My family constantly makes patronising and passive-aggressive comments about me being single, which usually descends into a dissection of all my life choices including in-depth discussions about my career and the fact that I don’t have kids. It makes me feel like crap, and I more often than not I end up exploding at someone (my mother, usually) because I can’t take all the snide remarks.
I’m vaguely considering inventing a new boyfriend who is conveniently away for Christmas just to avoid the conversation, but know that if I’m at that stage, the problem is probably extreme enough to warrant asking for alternative advice. Help!
I’m torn. I could give you some sensible advice. Yet, you say you are open to finding love; according to every rom-com I have ever seen, should you invent a fictional boyfriend over the holidays, you will immediately find a handsome stranger eager to help you out in this deception by playing your paramour. Of course, you won’t like each other at first - in fact, you’ll hate each other! But after your wacky family force you to kiss in a bizarre but socially acceptable mating ritual unique to the genre, that tension between you will become sexual, and hijinks and happy ever afters will ensue! And who am I to deprive you of that?
Or I could be boring and suggest you set some boundaries, I suppose. Though admittedly less fun, it would be healthier.
I hope you know that your family’s comments about you being single have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own fears and perceptions of life. Being happily single because you don’t want to settle for a person or a life that you don’t want is unequivocally the right thing to do. Yet, a lot of people can find it difficult to imagine happiness as anything other than a marriage and kids.
It sounds like your family members have fallen into this somewhat myopic worldview, though that isn’t a dismissal of them. They are, in their own way, looking out for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. One could excuse the occasional well-intentioned remark if they were generally moving towards understanding that happiness doesn’t look the same for everyone.
However, the fact that you’ve been repeatedly clear on this subject means that they aren’t trying to listen or understand you, and of course that’s deeply hurtful. So what you need to do is accept the initially frustrating but ultimately freeing truth that we all need to remember around family: you cannot control other people or their actions, but you can control your behaviour and your reactions. You get to set boundaries – and start doing that now, before Christmas.
Pick up the phone and tell your mother that you love her, you’re excited to come home for Christmas, but you being single is no longer up an item up for discussion. Explain to her that while you’re sure she didn’t realise that the constant comments were hurtful and disrespectful (you don’t have to be sure, but it’s Christmas so we’re going to be generous), she now knows and the comments need to stop.
Make it clear that you hate that you often end up fighting, and want this gathering to be loving and respectful, and ask her to help you with that.
Next, call one or more of your siblings, say the same thing and also rope them in as allies: ask them in advance to do some masterful deflecting or defending should anyone else start making passive-aggressive swipes at you.
These actions will serve several purposes. By addressing the issue upfront, you’re both breaking your family’s repetitive dynamic and calling upon them to treat you better, which will hopefully allow you to relax and not spend the holiday feeling defensive, on-guard or attacked. You’re also setting a clear boundary, which means you get to disengage from any conversation where they criticise your life.
By setting a boundary with your family on how they speak to you, you have offered them a choice: be respectful, or sacrifice time with you. And follow through on that.
If passive aggressive comments are made or your life becomes a dart-board for criticism, tell them to stop or exit the conversation. Deflecting with a subject change helps, (“I’m doing really well actually. Now does anyone know what’s going on with Brexit?”) but don’t be afraid to be more explicit. Practice phrases like “My personal life isn’t up for discussion, thanks”, “I’ve asked you to not make comments like that” or simply “I’m not having this conversation again.”
If they keep pushing, exit stage left with a breezy “I’ve told you I’m not talking about this, I’m going to make tea/check on the kids/go for a walk.”
Hold firm to these boundaries. The most likely outcome is that your family will take the hint; and if they don’t, that decision and responsibility is entirely theirs. Sometimes the best Christmas present you can give yourself is the freedom to not indulge other people’s nonsense.
