On a train in England some years ago, I began to talk to the man in front of me when we were mysteriously stopped in the middle of nowhere. When he heard I was involved in counselling he told me about the current big issue between himself and his wife.
The issue was that his widowed father expected that he – let’s call him Andrew – and his wife and children would spend two weeks every summer at his home in the country.
This wasn’t an invitation. It was an expectation and it had been going on since the children were born.
Andrew was in a dilemma because his wife and children would far rather be on a beach in Spain than in rural England. The thing was, Andrew couldn’t bring himself to let his father down.
The family visited him from London, which was a bit of a trek, once a month and stayed with him for Christmas, but the summer holiday was the high point of his year.
To tell him that they would be going to Spain instead was, well, impossible. So this had now become a source of conflict between himself and the rest of the family.
Where would Andrew rather be, I wondered? To be honest, he said, he’d rather be in Spain. They had all become rather bored with the annual summer holiday in the country. But, really, he felt they just couldn’t refuse his dad to whom, after all, he owed a great deal.
Couldn’t they make it up with an extra visit during the year? No, his father wouldn’t understand. He shuffled about uncomfortably as he said this, then glanced out the window.
Certain conditions
Here, I realised, was a sacred cow at work. Carl Rogers, the father of counselling, said that as we grow up we observe the expectations of other people and we form the conclusion that in order to be worthwhile, we have to meet certain conditions.
An example is: “People look up to my father because he is a doctor and my father wants me to follow in his footsteps. Therefore, if I want to be worthwhile, I must be a doctor. I don’t want to be a doctor but I really, really don’t want to be worthless.”
That’s how conditions of worth operate. We interpret – often misinterpret – what we see around us and make up rules for ourselves to follow.
Cow is an acronym for “condition of worth” and because we treat some of these as sacred, I call them sacred cows. “I must be a high achiever or I am worthless,” would be one example.
“If someone gets the better of me I must always get even with them, whatever the price, or else I’m worthless,” would be another. Most of this goes on below the level of conscious awareness. It’s probably easier for other people to spot our sacred cows and for us to spot theirs.
Not all cows are bad. Cultivating a good relationship with your parents is probably a beneficial one. I must not under any circumstances upset my parents is not.
If you briefly (without wallowing) consider some of the things that you normally find disappointing about yourself, you might, if you look in a little deeper, unearth a sacred cow.
If, on cool reflection, the thing you are disappointed about seems reasonable and makes sense, you could try forming an intention to do something about it – not just, “Oh, I must do that” but considering the where, when and how. However, if it’s a sacred cow, send it off to the cattle mart.
The train began to move again and we shortly arrived at my destination. “Really,” I said, before I left, “have the conversation with him. See what happens.” Andrew said he would but there wasn’t a lot of conviction behind it.
I sometimes wonder if they made it to Spain, or if, until the kids were old enough to rebel, they kept on putting in two boring and tense weeks with the dad who, for all they knew, might have fancied a trip to Spain himself.
Padraig O'Morain is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.
pomorain@yahoo.com Twitter: @PadraigOMorain