With Patrick Kavanagh's poems in mind, Michael Parsonsset off for Monaghan with wellingtons and a heavy heart - and to his surprise, found a smart, affluent market town.
Oh stony grey soil of . . .
Oh no! Not that again. Monaghan, as every schoolchild knows, was home to Patrick Kavanagh whose infamous description of his native county has deterred generations of school leavers from ever wanting to visit the place.
But Kavanagh was a poet and they do tend to exaggerate (sorry, use poetic licence) don't they? So what about an expert view? Time to check the clinically reliable Samuel Lewis, whose 1837 Topographical Dictionary of Ireland remains an indispensable work of reference. Here's what he has to say on the subject of Monaghan soil: "The undulating surface of the county produces a great variety of soil". Oh dear, oh dear. That's an ominous start.
But he's only getting into his stride, and continues: "even in several parts of the same field it [ the soil] is seen sometimes to vary extremely, being deep and argillaceous at one spot, a gravelly grit at another, exhibiting at a third a stiff clay, and, at a fourth, a party-coloured mixture of red and greenish gravel".
Well, well. There's no arguing with "gravelly grit" now is there? Sorry for doubting you, O Bard of Inniskeen! "Oh Stony grey soil of Monaghan /The laugh from my love you thieved; /You took the gay child of my passion /And gave me your clod-conceived." Sounds like fun, doesn't it?
So off one sets with a heavy heart, wellingtons in the boot, a map and some candles (just in case) feeling as intrepid as Stanley heading out to find Dr Livingstone. But where on earth is it? The nice man at the petrol station gave directions: "just drive towards Belfast [ Cripes!] and when you hit South Armagh [ Gulp!]) swing a left [ Phew!]". So off you gingerly tootle northwards keeping your eyes peeled for signposts with the dread-name Crossmaglen [ (Scary!].
In actual fact, the drive is a doddle - up the M1 motorway through Co Louth (which resembles an airport runway) and then exit to Ardee. Suddenly, without quite realising it, you're there. A mere 60 miles from Dublin to reach the county and then, another 17 to Monaghan town itself.
The roads are very good - with Carrickmacross bypassed and Castleblayney soon to be - and lined with the usual quota of "swivellers" (head-turning, "one-off" houses of the Cecil B De Mille school of architecture).
All these roadworks incidentally mean they've been digging up the stony grey soil with a vengeance and have discovered evidence of how Monaghan folk used to live long ago. A wonderful exhibition called "Life and Death in Monaghan" at the County Museum displays the results of the archaeological excavations and includes an eye-popping reconstruction of a typical stone-age house built almost 6,000 years ago. Even then, it was all about "location, location, location" and every crannóg had "delightful lake views".
Monaghan, set between two little lakes, is an unexpectedly smart and affluent market town - a civilised oasis in the heart of drumlin country. There's a wealth of Victoriana from the edge-of-town splendour of St Macartan's cathedral to the elegant, though unfortunately dysfunctional, Rossmore Memorial drinking fountain in the central Diamond (square). As you'd expect in Ulster, everywhere is scrupulously clean while avoiding the ghastly "tidy twee hanging-basket look" which makes so many southern towns in summer resemble gardening centres.
The shopping is good and mostly indigenous. Foreign multiples such as Tesco, Boots and McDonald's are hidden away in a shopping centre behind the very grand courthouse. Other notable buildings include a gorgeous 1924 Hibernian Bank (now Bank of Ireland); a fine Market House; the County Museum; and a turreted redbrick Johnston and Madden Memorial Orange Hall.
On Hill Street overlooking the town, there's a very attractive and striking townhouse which is empty (though could well be hiding Miss Havisham) and sadly going to rack and ruin. This bleak house really deserves better.
On Church Square, a magnificent obelisk commemorates the "the Honorable Thos Vesey Dawson of the Coldstream Guards" whose "remains lie on a foreign shore". He fell in the Battle of Inkerman (Nov 5th, 1854) during the now largely forgotten Crimean War. Just across the road, "le tout Monaghan" drops in for tea and "tasty treats" from the friendly staff at Dinkin's café and bakery - a welcome contrast to the hideousness of Starbucks.
At the arts centre, gallery assistant Barry McSkeane (27) said "it's a lovely town to live in and at weekends it really comes to life". There's a good range of (mostly) Oriental restaurants; nightclubs (the Forum and Lotus One); and plenty of pubs - from the alarmingly-named Squealing Pig to Dublin Street's oddly-named Shambles and Mickey Micks. The best pint of Guinness is apparently to be found at McCarrens and the beautiful people of Monaghan hang out at Master Deery's on Park Street.
James Keogh, who manages St Patrick's College, an accommodation centre for asylum seekers, moved from Dublin 17 years ago". He has absolutely no regrets and likes the "good restaurants and golf and easy access to airports in Dublin and Belfast".
"Monaghan has always been pricier than neighbouring Cavan and house prices are closer to commuter towns like Dundalk and Drogheda," according to auctioneer Ian Larmer. The average price for a new three-bed semi is "around €270,000 to €280,000". Even during the bad times, he says "Monaghan was a good business town with a lot of indigenous industry and the people are hard-working by nature".
For young couples seeking a starter home he'd recommend Glenmount, a development of luxury apartments at Glen Road, close to the town centre, designed by Dublin firm The Architecture Company.
These have "a very high-spec finish with floor-to-ceiling windows" and the price (a one-bed is €230,000, a two-bed "from €250,000") includes a designated parking space.
He's also selling three-bed semis for €285,000 and four-bed detached homesv from €350,000 at Knockroe, a development on the Clones Road.
Robbie Gallagher of Sherry FitzGerald Gallagher is also the Mayor of Monaghan and believes the town, at one hour and 20 minutes from Dublin airport, is a well-kept secret; when the Castleblayney bypass opens this summer "commuting to Dublin will become much more feasible". He says commuters might like the KnockCarrick development in the village of Annyalla, seven miles south of the town on the Dublin side, where a 112sq m (1,200sq ft) three-bed semi is €235,000. In town, at Drumbear Wood on the Cootehill Road, a three-bed semi costs about €255,000.
Tyleadon Heights "one of the best addresses in Monaghan", is a development of 18 detached houses of 204sq m (2,200sq ft) priced at €500,000 at Milltown about 1.5 miles north of the town.
Speaking as Mayor, Mr Gallagher, who relocated from Donegal 17 years ago, says "Monaghan is a welcoming place well used to strangers coming to town and the many foreign workers are blending in well, their kids are going to the local schools and they are integrating into the community."
Daragh O'Rourke of Property Partners Gartlan said Monaghan has always been a relatively expensive town for property - partly because of the proximity to the Border (and the sterling differential) and also because of traditionally high employment.
"The town hasn't relied on outside investment and most businesses are home-grown", he says, adding "Monaghan people are very industrious."
He says a good address is the Clones Road ("if you live there you're not doing too bad")where he is selling houses at Canal View (that's the Ulster Canal) with four-bed semis costing from €315,000 and five-bed detached homes from €450,000.
The pretty, telegenic village of Glaslough is like some corner of a foreign field that could be forever England (is that the sound of Caoimhín O Caoilean tut-tutting?).
But you soon realise this is not the Home Counties (thank goodness) when you spot a green telephone kiosk (nice touch) and the unmistakable signs of contemporary Ireland: the Gothic-schloss, Castle Leslie, has been transformed into yet another luxury hotel and "executive homes" are being built in the grounds.
O'Rourke is handling the last remaining Village Houses, a Georgian-style development of 72 terraced houses. Most have been sold but there's still a three-bed mid-terrace townhouse for €330,000 and a five-bed, end-of-terrace, 237sq m (2,550sq ft) for €795,000. The Telayden development of five detached houses is launching shortly with prices from €675,000.
