Breaking up is hard to do
It sure is, whether you are the one initiating the break-up or the one being broken up with.
'It's not you, it's me…'
If you are breaking up with someone, try to avoid cliches, says Helen Vaughan of Maynooth Counselling and Psychotherapy. They don't mean anything.
“Make what you say meaningful and from your own point of view by talking about your own feelings and where you are at.” You should avoid saying to the other person “You are not this” or “You should be that”.
The “soft start-up” method used in relationship counselling is one way to handle things respectfully, says Vaughan. If your partner asks why you want to break up, communicating the issues in this way can ease feelings of defensiveness and anger.
“Use an x, y, z statement,” says Vaughan. “When you do x, in situation y, I feel z. For example, ‘When you come in from work and go straight on your phone, I feel ignored. I feel lonely in this relationship.’ So rather than pointing the finger at them, you are pointing the finger at yourself. You are talking about your feelings rather than your criticism of somebody else.”
What if they disagree?
Your pitch should be to explain to the other person how you are feeling in the relationship, and why you are feeling that way. "The person can't really argue with how you feel in a situation because that's your response. They can't tell you you don't feel that way, because you do," says Vaughan.
What if they get upset or angry?
This may be unavoidable. "When someone is breaking up with you, you react first; you probably don't think about them, you think about yourself. You are probably hurt and defensive and you react from there," says Vaughan. "Expect that there will be a range of emotions and be ready for that."
Is there ever a good time?
Yes, and it's not when you're in the Canaries together on holiday and have another three days to go. If the relationship was a loving one, be mindful too of severing ties with immediate effect.
“Give the other person time to accept it,” says Vaughan. “Be open to each other’s needs. If one person wants to talk more, or get a better understanding, hopefully you can be open to that.”
Let's take a break…
If you have no intention of getting back together, then what are you at?
“Why is someone afraid to have a conversation and say things that are true and real? If you are going to say ‘Let’s take a break’, and that’s not what you mean, it might imply the relationship wasn’t very good in the first place, that you have an issue dealing with real emotions and that you were not really that present in the relationship anyway.”
Let's be friends…
It's a nice idea, but it's not always the best course. "I think you need some time apart to get back your own independence first. Some people lose themselves in a relationship," says Vaughan. Yes, there's a housing crisis, but continuing to live together can be problematic.
“It can be very confusing, especially if one party didn’t really want to break up. The arrangement can have all the bells and whistles of a relationship without the bits they need, like intimacy and emotional connection.”
Is there a way back?
There might be, if a specific issue caused the break-up and the person is willing to work on that. "It's like infidelity. Couples do come back from infidelity. It's not impossible," says Vaughan. "It might involve therapy. There is support out there to manage a break-up or see if there is anything left to salvage."
