I see Britain has employed the services of former US vice-president Al Gore to try and convince the American public that urgent action is required to fight what Tony "Please Give Me Something To Put A Tick Beside On My To-Do List Before I Scarper With My Tail Between My Legs Now That I've Failed Miserably On Iraq, the Middle East and Northern Ireland" Blair has called the "disastrous" threat of global warming, Kilian Doyle
How nice for Mr Gore. I'm not that sure he'll do very well. The Americans don't take too kindly to being told what to do, even when the message is snidely being delivered by one of their own. Still, you never know. His list of achievements, not least the invention of the Interweb, is lengthy. (Fair play to him for the Interweb. Mighty man. Surfers and nerds and porn moguls across the planet owe him one. I fall into one of those three categories. Some might say two. The third, as yet, eludes me.)
He is now rapidly emerging as an environmentalist of no mean stature. His climactic climate horrorflick An Inconvenient Truth was, I'm told, a real eye-opener. It needed to be. The world is, as he said himself recently, "facing a danger which could bring the end of civilisation". Sorry, Al, me aul' mucker, but here's an inconvenient truth for you. You're not the lean, mean, impeccably-coiffured political machine you once were. You're more of a man now than you ever were under the Silver Fox Clinton. (Oh, come on, don't get smutty on me, people.)
I refer, of course, not to your status on the world stage, but to your actual physical presence. I have no wish to be cruel, but even you'll admit the years haven't been kind to your waistband. The poor thing is bulging like a builder's wallet at the Galway Races.
May I suggest, Al, that you start your campaign by leading by example and shedding some poundage?
Afore ye get offended, dear readers, this isn't a personal attack on Big Al. I make reference to his expanding waistline only because it is relevant. See, the fatter you are, the more you contribute to global warming.
A recent study in US journal The Engineering Economist has found that Americans are using 938 million more gallons of petrol a year than they were in 1960. This, the researchers found, is directly attributable to the fact the average weight of US denizens is 25 pounds more than it was four decades ago. They estimated that over 39 million gallons of fuel are used each year for every additional pound of driver and passenger weight. The extra fuel needed to haul these increasingly lardy backsides about would fill two million cars with petrol for a year. Which is a lot of cars.
We in Ireland are not far behind, I reckon. Couldn't tell you offhand how much fatter we are than we were in the 1960s, but I'd bet you a double cheeseburger and extra large fries it's not insignificant.
Best solution to the problem, obviously, is to walk or cycle instead of driving. Not only will you save petrol, but you'll lose weight, meaning you'll save even more petrol the next time you do drive.
Be aware it's not just pudge that weighs you down. Even your choice of clothing can impact on your engine's workload. Sounds obvious, but if you want to lessen your carbon footprint, whip off those heavy boots.
Better still, why not drive in the nude? If you get caught by the fuzz just explain you're saving the planet. I've no doubts they'll understand. Even if they don't, fret not. They're sure to bring you a nice buckled jacket to protect your modesty as they bundle you into the back of the van that's bringing you to the psyche ward.
Drastic, yes, but sometimes you have to make these little sacrifices. For the sake of the children.