Dear Roe,
My partner and I have been together for four years and we have recently started trying for a baby. We have a very loving and often adventurous sex life, but would usually have sex only about once or twice a week. Now that we are trying to conceive, we have to make love a lot more often at certain times of the month. I don’t put pressure on him, just initiate more when it’s the right time, but he finds it hard to get in the mood when sex feels “scheduled”. How can we keep things romantic and fun?
For couples trying to get out of a dry spell or trying to get pregnant, the idea of “scheduling” sex can feel too transactional or business-like. It can feel counter-intuitive to the image of sex that pop culture often perpetuates; that sex is always spontaneous and comes after an overwhelming wave of lust.
But scheduling sex as a couple isn’t about eradicating romance or punishing each other for saying no; it’s about giving yourself the time, space and permission to say yes. It’s about acknowledging that life is busy and complicated and sometimes you need to prioritise intimacy by deliberately carving out time for it. We do this in our lives with other activities that are important to us – we schedule gym sessions, therapy, time with friends, an hour for our favourite television show. Why shouldn’t we prioritise sex as much as we prioritise an episode of Game of Thrones?
Embracing this mindset with your relationship and sex life all the time might help your partner overcome his resistance to the idea. Dealing with fertility and conception can be stressful, so remember to keep communicating and spending quality time together outside of the bedroom. This means embracing what you love and find attractive about each other, so that sex remains about your connection and pleasure, not just the functional end-goal of pregnancy.
Also, remember that having a baby is about partnership, so embrace that idea now, too. Share the burden of ovulation tracking and sex scheduling so that your partner gets to initiate sex half the time, which might help him feel more involved and less pressured.
Try sexting during the day to build anticipation, get some new sex toys and lingerie, have sex in places other than your bedroom
Think of your time together now as an opportunity for indulgence – babies have a habit of making everything a bit more stressful, sleep-deprived and less sexy for a while, so go for broke while you can. Take advantage of being able to go out on dates, staying in bed together all day on a weekend, booking in for a couple’s massage, getting away for a weekend if you can.
It’s important to keep a sense of sexual identity during this time. Avoid postponing sexual activity to just your fertile times, as this can make reconnecting feel awkward. Instead, try have regular, playful sex throughout the month. Prioritise other sexual acts beyond intercourse – including individual masturbation – so that you’re both having satisfying, pleasurable experiences throughout the month, and that you are excited to have penetrative sex when you’re ovulating.
It’s great that you have both enjoyed an adventurous sex life, so embrace your sense of adventure. Draw up a bucket list of everything sexual you’ve wanted to try, try to recreate some of your sexual greatest hits, and swap fantasies so that sex feels personal to you.
Try sexting during the day to build anticipation, get some new sex toys and lingerie, have sex in places other than your bedroom, and laugh your way through trying the worst sex tips available on the internet (you’ll recognise these lists instantly – doughnuts and ice-cubes feature prominently). But don’t knock a quickie. Sex doesn’t have to be a huge production, and a pressure-free quickie can do wonders.
Allow yourself not be in the mood, and to acknowledge that, sometimes, this may feel awkward and ridiculous and stressful. During these times, a sense of humour and honest communication will get you far. Good luck.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
