‘My mother and mother-in-law are sick. I know I'll be landed with the care’

Problem

My mother left hospital after five long months in three different institutions and she got home on Monday and it was going well. Then the following day my mother-in-law got sick and is now in hospital, so there is a whole raft of other issues to be dealt with.

When my mother got sick, it was sudden and shocking and the whole family struggled to find a way of dealing with it. I run my own business from the family home and because I was local and could manage my own time, I was the person to take the brunt of the care. I was also the person the medics called to make any decisions.

The situation is the same with my mother-in-law – all the other family are either abroad or living far away and I am going to get landed with all of this. My wife works full-time and is not someone who has any great capacity either practically or emotionally so I know that I will be the sanest and most reliable person around.

I feel very angry at how unfair this is and I know that both sides of the family will tell me how wonderful I am and at the same time do nothing except make the odd phone call.

There is no point in asking my wife to talk to her family – they are not a family who talk and barely acknowledge Christmas with each other. I know my oldest daughter is worried about me and she tries to do as much as she can to help but I don’t want her to be burdened with this; she should be out enjoying her life and not caught up with me and my responsibilities.

Advice

Caring for elderly parents is something that we need forward planning for but, for most families, these discussions happen in a crisis when an instant solution is needed and then that solution becomes the norm without proper negotiation and discussion.

You are angry at the unfairness of the burden sharing and it seems that there is indeed an injustice and this needs to be addressed. Caring for your own mother is a discussion you and your siblings need to have but caring for your mother-in-law is something your wife’s family needs to take on. The difficulty here is that for either of these discussions to happen, you are the person who will have to shout loudest and this does not sound like something you are used to doing. You can see how your daughter is trying to redress the balance of caring and you do not want to burden her with this. If you are to care for your daughter, you must tackle the issues facing you so that she is freed up from worrying about you.

Start with your own family: your mother seems to be having some respite at the moment but there will no doubt be many more health crisis in the future and a plan needs to be in place to deal with this. If you are determined that a fair plan can be put in place then there is a possibility that the others will take you seriously. However, if you have a defeatist attitude and secretly believe that nothing will change, then there is a very high possibility of things continuing as they are.

Be clear that the outcome of any family meeting will be a fair and reasonable plan that will be reviewed every three months or as needed. Someone needs to be the leader of this plan and perhaps this could rotate so that you are not left again with the organisational responsibility.

There is a lot of research to suggest that carers of ill or elderly family members suffer from higher levels of depression, isolation and financial and physical strain than the general population, but if the care is done well, family members can gain through increased closeness and shared responsibilities. It sounds as though you could do with emotional closeness and perhaps if this happens you might be able to tackle your marriage and your in-laws.

Challenging your wife about the care of her mother will probably bring up your own relationship and the lack of communication or support that you suggest is there. While taking up all the responsibility in the family offers you some peace and maybe some fulfilment, ultimately you will feel resentful and martyred. The starting point for you might be to talk to a close friend or relative so that you can check and practise what it is you want to say.

Your daughter is not the right person for this, so you may need to take a risk by talking to someone. Initially this will be awkward but you will find that it eases with time. You are now faced with crises on many fronts, be brave and face them one by one and see this as an opportunity to develop your own life.