An Angel of Islington appears by my side almost as soon as I set foot in the town of Rhodes. “Awright? Are you English?” she says with the matey grin of a cheery chugger. “No. Irish,” I say, frowning like someone who’s just seen 800 years of colonial oppression flash before their eyes.
“Oh, right. Well, do you have a minute?”
As it happens, I do. I have nothing planned for my day trip away from the all-inclusive resort where I’ve been happily cocooned for days, so we start chatting amicably. Angel is from London and a representative of a hotel chain I have never heard of. She offers me the chance to take part in a raffle to win “awesome prizes”. I do and, amazingly, I win tickets for an open-top bus tour of the town. And an iPad.
Angel’s delight is expressed by a girlish shriek. She tells me how lucky I am. I don’t feel lucky though. I feel suspicious. I ask for the catch and she assures me there’s none. All I have to do is take a cab to a hotel complex 50 kilometres away and sit through a three-hour presentation about the fabulous holidays that could be mine if I give this hotel chain my bank details and a down payment.
My definition of “catch” and Angel’s are rather different, clearly.
I reject her advances and her smile vanishes. We stop being mates. “Oh, f**k off,” she shouts and strops away. Minutes later I try and use Angel’s open-top bus tour ticket. “No, no, no. These are no good here. Phoney, phoney,” the ticket inspector tells me with a shake of his head.
Shocker.
Viewed through this prism, the island of Rhodes is as much a tacky tourist trap as the grottier stretches of the Costa del Sol. It certainly has its fair share of gaudy resort towns overrun by nasty bars serving greasy fries and pints of cheap lager to lobster-red tourists. But that is not the whole story or even the biggest part of it.
Stretching over 70km, Rhodes is the largest of the 12 Dodecanese islands and the most popular in the archipelago. It’s also the sunniest, but the soft winds that blow in off the Aegean keep it cool, making it perfect for Irish sun-worshippers with low heat thresholds.
That’s not to say there aren’t other things on offer. It is absurdly rich in ancient and medieval history and the old town of Rhodes is on Unesco’s list of World Heritage Sites and one of the largest inhabited medieval settlements in Europe.
It was to here 14th century knights came to carouse after their crusading days concluded. The Knights of St John built the Palace of the Grand Masters, an enormous fortress on its north coast, nearly 500 years ago. It stood solid at the top of the Street of the Knights – the old town’s main thoroughfare – for centuries before being destroyed in 1856 after an ammunition dump exploded at its heart while it was under the control of the Ottomans. It was rebuilt by the Italians who took possession of Rhodes in 1912 and became a holiday home for Benito Mussolini. Plaques on the walls illustrate its flirtation with fascism.
Today it is home to a very pleasant, if spartan, museum. While the palace is made up of 150 rooms, fewer than 20 are open to the public and most are almost entirely empty. But each one tells a story nonetheless and the beautiful mosaics, largely plundered from Roman palaces on nearby islands, are mini-marvels making the palace a wonderful way to pass a few hours.
The Street of the Knights, the other unavoidable tourist attraction in the town, is not so wonderful. From a distance, the 600-metre-long winding road looks gorgeous and its medieval character has been well maintained but it ultimately disappoints. Almost every shop sells tourist tat and most restaurants serve overpriced food illustrated by pictures washed out by the harsh sunlight.
Outside the city walls lies Mandraki Harbour, which has served Rhodes well for almost 2,500 years. Today it is home to hundreds of bedazzling yachts, speed boats and ponderous ferries which chug nosily across the calm blue water by day and night, taking backpackers to and from islands nearby. It is also overrun with tourists taking pictures of the thing that isn’t there anymore. Mandraki is where the Colossus, one of the seven wonders of the ancient world, stood tall, and while you can see the port walls he may have straddled, it’s hard to get a real sense of what he looked like. It’s still worth taking the pic though.
Some 50km from Rhodes is the hillside village of Lindos, one of the most postcard- pretty destinations on the island. Its beauty is, sadly, no secret, so it’s always swamped by tourists aimlessly wandering its pedestrianised network of cobbled streets to a soundtrack of clicking cameras and whirring mopeds. The village is also home to an impressive acropolis and some of the best sandy beaches on the island but, like the town, both are more often than not, crowded and uncomfortable.
Lindos is not the only Rhodes attraction undone by its own popularity. The Valley of the Butterflies is easily accessible from the island’s main town but if you expect to be greeted by thousands of brightly coloured butterflies fluttering in the warm sunshine, you will be disappointed. To thrive, the coloured moths need peace and quiet. What they get instead are thousands of tourists stomping about wondering where all the butterflies have gone.
It is a great shame.
After a brief sojourn into the real world, I return to my all-inclusive life. The words “all inclusive” are anathema to the independent traveller and while such holidays have undeniable limitations, it’s nice occasionally not have to think about anything as troublesome as where to go for your next meal or how much cash you need for a night out. And while the upfront costs are high, you do know how much your holiday is going to cost from the get-go.
The La Marquise resort delivers in almost every respect. As my cab driver pulls up outside, he whistles softly and tells me it is the best hotel on Rhodes.
It may or may not be true but it is unquestionably good. It is a sprawling, low-rise complex with lush gardens, a grand fountain and a tunnel leading to a pretty, if rocky, beach. There are five swimming pools which have been fitted with LED spot lighting. It sounds kind of cheesy but is surprisingly charming.
Once ensconced, it’s hard not to feel completely cut off from the world, not least because mobile coverage is poor and the wifi could only be relied on in the hotel lobby. This caused untold stress on day one, but being off the grid turned out to be a bonus and reminiscent of a time when smart phones did not routinely disturb our downtime.
La Marquise is split into a child-friendly section awash with paddling pools, kids club, playgrounds, crazy golf and water slides and an “adults only” area where only the sounds are cocktails being ordered and book pages turning. It is terribly civilised.
Meal times are less so. Meals are served in a vast room which seats in excess of 500 people and when it is full, the din is deafening. The food is good, but after five days eating breakfast, lunch and dinner from the same buffet it’s hard not to get bored.
The nightly entertainment on the rooftop bar was all Greek to me (and horrendously touristy), but the bar is still worth popping in to, if only to watch the sun fall beneath the rocky outcrop that surrounds the hotel while sipping a cocktail as the heat soaks into cold Irish bones.
How to: Rhodes
Sleep: Thomson Holidays has packages to Rhodes departing from Dublin. A seven- night package for two sharing at Hotel La Marquise in Kalithea on a half-board basis starts at €869 per person. Cost covers airport check-in, baggage allowance, return flights and transfers.
Eat: Tamam, G Leontos St, Rhodes Town. Good quality and good value Greek and Turkish food; George & Maria's Falafel Grill House, Mandilara St. Looks unpromising from the outside but the welcome is lovely and the falafel gorgeous.
See: Palace of the Grand Masters, Ippoton, Old Town. Admission: €6; Acropolis at Lindos. Admission €6, donkey hire €5
