In Ireland’s ever-evolving social and cultural landscape, navigating the modern dating scene can feel like traversing a minefield of uncertainties and frustrations. The days of organised dances are long in the past but now, even the idea of a chance encounter in a coffee shop that blooms into romance seems quaint and old-fashioned. Instead, dating is dominated by the complexities of digital interactions, where apps have replaced serendipitous meetings with a swipe of a finger. This shift, along with increased awareness of harassment and some post-Covid social anxiety, has not only made the process feel impersonal but has also given rise to a new set of etiquette dilemmas – how does one approach someone in public without coming across as intrusive, overly bold, or (worst of all) creepy?
The apps promised to solve dating dilemmas, bringing endless potential matches right to fingertips, but the matches didn’t come with quality control or an etiquette book, resulting in dead-end conversations, unsolicited sexual comments, flaky behaviour and ghosting, leaving a lot of single people to wonder if the quest for love has become an exercise in endurance rather than enjoyment.
Sometimes modern problems need some old-fashioned solutions, and Ireland’s dating scene is seeing a rise in singles events such as mixers, speed-dating and the organised wingmaning of Pitch A Friend events. Have you got a single friend, PowerPoint skills and a good sense of humour? You might be able to play Cupid – or just have a good night out.
Lucas Chaufournier is a software developer from Washington DC who moved to Seattle in 2021. “When I moved to Seattle, I immediately heard the classic rumours of the Seattle freeze – you know, that it’s hard to meet people, it’s hard to make friends, it’s hard to date. But what I found is that when I put in the effort, people responded well,” Chaufournier says.
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“People are very friendly and very communicative, but I definitely had to be more open and do a little bit more work as I got to know people. And I heard the same thing over and over: ‘Dating is rough. It sucks. I need to take a break from dating because it’s so stressful.’ To me, that’s not how it should be. Dating should be fun. It should be lighthearted, getting to know someone like, no pressure involved. So I thought, let’s do something different – why don’t we just stick all these people in a room and do something for fun.”
He started running Pitch A Friend, a singles event that Chaufournier is now bringing to Dublin, where people pitch their single friends to a crowd, often with a PowerPoint presentation. The officious set-up deliberately juxtaposes with the tone of the event, which is lighthearted and focused on good-natured teasing, earnest compliments, storytelling and a little bit of showmanship.
“You get three minutes,” explains Chaufournier. “You can use photos, you can use videos, you can use whatever you want. Some people pick a theme – we’ve had people come in and do a Shark Tank or Dragon’s Den-style presentation selling the attributes and potential of their friend as if someone just invested in them. We’ve had people make a fake Amazon page as if the person were the product with the description and a little bit about their characteristics. We’ve had people show videos of them dancing, and sometimes we get a live show from the single person – we had someone shotgun a beer in front of the crowd, we’ve had someone play the ukulele. Then we let the audience ask any follow-up questions, which are usually fun. You have five minutes total that’s up to you how you use it.”
After the presentations, people hang out and have a drink, giving everyone a chance to talk – and if a presentation has caught an audience member’s eye, they can log on to the event’s app and send a message. For audience members, the presentations are an instant conversation starter if you want to make new friends.
Pitch a Friend is coming to Foley’s Bar, Merrion Row, Dublin on November 20th, and Chaufournier is excited to see some Irish people present their friends. He believes that Irish people’s gift of the gab and good sense of humour will make for some great presentations – as long as our deep love of slagging doesn’t completely take over.
“I do know that roasting can be a form of affection, but yeah, we prefer more light roasting,” says Chaufournier. “It’s fun to give your friend a quick jab but remember, it’s like wingmaning at a bar, you’re trying to make sure you know your friend has a good connection. You’re not going to embarrass them, you’re going to hype them up.”
Pitch A Friend is accepting applications for presentations and expects a sold-out night. The novel structure and chance to mingle afterwards is a change from traditional speed-dating events which many people can find uncomfortable.
Caitríona has joined a few singles groups on Facebook but admits that the thought of attending still makes her “cringe a little bit – just for myself and how uncomfortable I’d probably feel, [though I have] much respect for those who go for it”.
“I don’t think it’s in our nature for many Irish people to put ourselves out there like that! We’re only starting to get the hang of it,” Caitríona says.
Pitch A Friend is just one event on an increasingly busy singles’ social scene in Ireland, with events and organisations popping up all over the country, all aiming to dilute some of the cynicism, fatigue and time-wasting nature of the apps, which are leaving many people dissatisfied and frustrated.
The issue is nearly always that there are never enough men
— Edel
Tracy is 33 years old and has been single for 18 months. She would love to have a long-term relationship but finds it difficult to meet people. “Most of my friends are already in relationships and a lot of them have kids, so they’re not up for coming on nights out,” Tracy says. “The apps are awful – empty profiles, dragging conversation out of people, and then you could be messaging people for weeks or going on a date and then they just ghost. I don’t mind if it doesn’t work out, but ghosting feels awful.”
Ghosting is a common complaint among those on the dating scene. Everyone hates it, everyone feels dehumanised by it, and yet it’s somehow become the norm; a side effect of the anonymising nature of apps that perpetuates a general lack of respect in dating culture.
One Irish organisation that has a specific “no ghosting” rule is Conscious Connections, which runs events, workshops and retreats for single people who are invested in personal development and fostering more meaningful connections. There are events specifically focused on letting single people meet each other, but there are also general workshops that explore ideas of communication, boundaries and consent, and mindfulness.
Founded by Sinéad Téhéry Cronin, Conscious Connections has facilitators with backgrounds in holistic counselling, mindfulness, yoga, and some specifically trained in holding men’s workshops. Téhéry Cronin was working in the personal development field and was surrounded by single friends who were all emotionally intelligent people who were interested in “conscious connections” – a term she defines as generally being interested in looking inward and understanding the self.
“It’s people who are on the path of understanding themselves, healing any wounds and working to alleviate the baggage that they’re coming into [a] relationship with. The majority of people who are coming to our events are [in] their 30s [and] onwards,” Téhéry Cronin says.
“A lot of people have had multiple relationships, multiple heartbreaks. And most of us have not had healthy role models in relationships, from media, books, our parents – it’s everywhere that we are told that something really dysfunctional is what a normal relationship looks like. So we’re trying to offer a different perspective to that. For me, personal development is that we’re observing what’s happening on the inside and using that as a gateway to growing.”
The group’s events and workshops involve exercises to improve communication and tools for navigating dating such as self-regulation techniques for when dating brings up anxiety; exploring whether you have “a type” and whether that type is actually good for you; and noticing how people you’re dating make you feel.
Being more mindful about what type of interactions you’re having also means respecting other people and being mindful of the behaviour you’re normalising – which is where the no ghosting rule comes in.
“When we hold ourselves accountable to that, even with a stranger, we are changing the dating culture,” says Téhéry Cronin. “It’s through making these changes that we can make it a little better. So even though we have never met and we’ve been messaging for a week and you’ve said something that makes me not want to talk to you any more, I’m still going to recognise you as a human on the other side of the screen and give you the time of day just to say: ‘I’m going to end this conversation here. Thanks so much for the chat.’ That’s all we need to do, you know, trying to bring a bit of healing, a bit of compassion, a bit of care for each other.”
Conscious Connections also does work around boundaries, consent and considering more conscious approaches to sex and intimacy. Workshops explore ways of setting and hearing boundaries, and ways of thinking about consent that move past the framework of simply saying yes or no to sexual activity, and thinking more expansively about the type of sex you want to have and the meaning you would like it to hold. Téhéry Cronin uses the RBDSM framework, which covers relationships, boundaries, desire, sexual health and meaning, giving people a way to think about and discuss sex with a partner so they feel understood and connected.
“It’s a way that we can have these really nourishing interactions. Let’s say you’ve been dating somebody for a few weeks or a few months, and you’re going to have sex. Most people are kind of just having a few drinks at home then doing it; that’s the norm for most people,” Téhéry Cronin says.
“What I’m offering is a way that we can do these things that is more in service to ourselves. If I don’t know what somebody’s preference for protection is, that falls under the sexual health category, so we can have that conversation upfront so we know preferences and if they don’t match, we’re able to say, ‘Thank you so much but actually we’re now not going any further, because what we want from here is something totally different.’ It’s the same with discussing meaning – if I say, ‘Well, for me, having sex means that we’re deepening into this connection with exploration, with the view of, even if we’re not in a relationship now, of having a relationship down the line’ – and if somebody else says, ‘Well, for me, you know, I just want to have a bit of fun, I want to go with the flow’, there’s no alignment here. Having this chat with the RBDSM, we get to be super clear on our boundaries, just having these clear, authentic conversations before we even start. It’s caring for ourselves and then caring for the other as well, and asking, ‘Can I care for you in the way that you need?’”
Eoin and Samantha Keating are married with one toddler, a baby on the way, and are the founders of Your Friend, My Friend, which runs speed-dating events and a singles run club.
Eoin is from Limerick and met Vancouver native Samantha in a bar while he was living in Canada, before the couple moved back to Ireland in 2019. One of Samantha’s best friends was single and bemoaning the lack of opportunities to meet people, and when Eoin and Samantha organised a charity run, they noticed how quickly people started chatting and hitting it off – and the idea was sparked. Eoin and Samantha now organise speed-dating events but also a run club, where singles can meet up, have a run then pop into a cafe for some tea, food and chats.
While a run club may be some people’s idea of a nightmare, Eoin says you don’t have to be super fit to come along, and that the club suits all levels of fitness. “We would get some more athletic people compared to the average single event, and if you’re health-conscious you’ll likely meet people with a common interest. But this is open to anybody, it’s all levels. It’s not a race, there’s no competitive feel to it. It’s just a very, very casual run and get together and chat. You can walk it! But it’s a nice environment to talk to people casually and then after have some lovely breakfast treats and just mingle,” he says.
Through Your Friend, My Friend, Eoin and Samantha also run speed-dating events which include a personalised matchmaking service, where participants answer a quick questionnaire of about 20-25 questions based on compatibility, morals and future goals, and are told their most compatible matches. The questions are based on relationship goals, love languages, relationship science and compatibility. Eoin says speed-dating used to be slightly stigmatised but is getting more mainstream. “I think some people see a stigma attached to it, especially lads I think, because they assume that women can just go meet someone if they want.”
[ Remember speed dating? It’s back and you have four minutes to find loveOpens in new window ]
This too is a common complaint among women who attend singles events, that there often aren’t enough men. Edel is recently single and says she goes through “a cycle of bursts of motivation for the apps, maybe a few dates or messages, then a phase of hating it again and deleting the apps”. She has attended a few singles events including hiking events and speed-dating but says “the issue is nearly always that there are never enough men and that the women outnumber the men by four or five to one, if you’re lucky.”
Eoin says that the ratio at his events is almost one-to-one, and that for women in particular, speed-dating can feel safer than meeting people off the apps, as it gives them an opportunity to meet people in public and see if they feel comfortable around them before committing to a date.
“That’s huge,” says Eoin. “Speed-dating does give you that opportunity. We had one guy where people were hanging around afterwards and he was sitting around trying to see the girl that he happened to speak to, and she came back up to us and said, ‘I want my card back, I don’t want to match with him any more.’ She just picked up on something that made her realise she wasn’t interested or didn’t feel comfortable, and she wasn’t stuck out on a date with him alone. Now, the vast majority of people are lovely but we are keeping an eye out and looking out for people.”
Eoin and Samantha have received of messages from couples who met at their events, and Eoin says that seeing hopeful people gathering, looking for connection and romance is inspiring.
“We love seeing people connect and get together,” he says. “We’ve put so much time into it and are fully invested, so it’s something we want to keep doing for the foreseeable future, just growing and evolving trying to make it better and cater for what people want – connecting face-to-face, but also safe. So whatever way we can facilitate that, we’re here.”
For more information, see YourFriendMyFriend.ie, ConsciousConnectionsEvents.com and Pitch A Friend Dublin on EventBrite.ie
