Take a group of people from several different generations, joined together by a complex web of genetics and relationships. Lock them up together for 10 hours or more. Feed them more food and drink than they would normally consume over the course of a long weekend. What could possibly go wrong?
A is for alcohol
(11am) Ah, golden ambrosia. Lubricant of conviviality and Christmas cheer. What possible harm could a small sherry or a flute of bubbly do now the sun is practically over the yardarm?
(6pm) YOU’RE DELIBERATELY MISSING MY POINT. ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT THICK? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ANYWAY? IT’S MY CRACKER AND I’M NOT GIVING IT BACK.
Do say: A is also for abstemiousness.
B is for baby boomers
The most irritating of all the generations, with their paid-off mortgages, gold-plated pensions and insufferable conviction that things were better in their day. It’s going to be a long day. Don’t say: thanks for holding on for the inheritance tax cut but why are you still here?
C is for charades
A potential lifesaver, given that the game is specifically designed to minimise conversation. But charades can also quickly degenerate into squabbling and recrimination as team members snarl at each other that there aren’t six bloody syllables in Metamorphosis. Don’t say: I never realised Wicked doesn’t rhyme with cricket.
D is for Donald
Donald Trump’s coming back. But maybe he won’t be so bad this time around. I mean, people say he’s not funny but he actually is quite funny. He’s definitely funnier than Kamala Harris. Does anyone even remember Kamala? Joy, my arse. Do say: I should probably get my coat now, shouldn’t I?
E is for election
It’s over. That lot one. The other lot lost. Or was it the other way around? Either way, let’s not relitigate the whole blasted thing now we have a new government. Oh, we don’t have a new government? Doesn’t seem to make much difference. Don’t say: I have a spreadsheet here on differential transfer patterns in Wicklow-Wexford.
F is for family dynamics
Yes, the “kids” are now in their 50s. Sure, some of them may even have grandkids of their own. But observe how smoothly everyone clicks into their assigned roles as the spoilt baby, the bossy older one and the resentful middle one. Do say: there’s a big difference between 51 and 53.
G is for games
Again, clearly a good thing, since they suppress hazardous free-form interactions. But that dusty old Trivial Pursuit set with its questions about Kajagoogoo and the EEC (European Economic Community) can finally set off those intergenerational tensions festering just below the surface. Don’t say: young people these days. They don’t even know who Charlie Haughey was.
H is for heat
The roaring fire. The central heating set to sweltering. The oven and hob at full blast. Is it any wonder your semi-acrylic Donner and Blitzen jumper is soaked in sweat already? And when temperatures rise, can tempers be far behind? Open a window. Take a walk around the block, go for a cold shower. Do say: chill.
I is for in-laws
Nature’s way of reminding you that you will never be in control of your own destiny. Who are these people and why do you have to spend so much time with them? Well, it’s because of inexplicable life choices made by your closest relatives. Don’t say: what the hell were you thinking?
J is for juveniles
They are, of course, what Christmas is all about. Hopped up on sugar like manic pixies, teetering on the edge of yet another tantrum, bursting into floods of tears for absolutely no reason. Do say: so that’s the adults but what about the children?
K is for Kris Kindle
It seemed such a good idea. Take the stress and the wasteful excess out of the present-giving process by drawing lots to give and receive one present per apiece. But human nature being what it is, it immediately became a judgefest. Oh, you got her? She’s impossible to get anything for. You got him? Don’t expect much. Worst of all are the cheaters who ignore the price cap and make everyone else look cheap. Do say: I can never have enough novelty socks or scented candles.
L is for laziness
Christmas Day resembles a recreation of Downton Abbey-era class structures. An oppressed team of workers and worriers tries to make everything as perfect as possible for a leisured class of parasites who sit around in the comfiest chairs sipping drinks, nibbling canapés and plotting strategies for charades. Don’t say: I’m afraid I’m not very good at washing up.
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M is for millennials
The most disagreeable generation. Look at them, still eating their avocado toast and whingeing about how they’re locked out of the property market. Do say: aren’t you getting a bit old for Electric Picnic?
N is for Nollaig
Xmas is curt. Yule is passé. Winterval is just cringe. Ever considered spicing up this year’s festival by conducting it in the first official language? Nobody will understand what anyone else is saying. You might even get a grant. Do say: the Irish for turkey is ... turcaí. Now, was that so hard?
O is for overcooked
It’s too dry. I know I left it in too long. And the vegetables are mushy. The whole thing is a disaster. I’ve failed at Christmas. I’ve failed at life. I want you all to leave immediately. Do say: brón orm, ní thuigim.
P is for pronouns
So you’re they/them now? But I don’t have to say they/them because you’re you? Or should that be thee or thou? Do say: God rest ye merry gentleperson.
Q is for questions
How’s that job/course/relationship/life plan coming along? Oh. Sorry to hear that. Don’t say: ouch, that’s five years in a row now, isn’t it?
R is for rolling eyes
A very dangerous activity, which should only be undertaken by skilled practitioners in the correct environment. If caught rolling eyes/grimacing/making a twirly-finger-pointing-at-head gesture behind someone’s back or, indeed any other non-verbal sign of ridicule, the consequences can be drastic. Do say: Honestly. It’s my contact lens.
S is for smartphones
Can you not put that thing away for five minutes? What could possibly be so interesting at five o’clock on Christmas Day? Oh, hang on, I just need to check this. What? No, this is different. Yes, I do have to answer it straight away. Who are you calling a hypocrite? Do say: hey Siri, mute these people.
T is for television
Long ago, when even the boomers were young, there was a thing called the Big Christmas Movie. The BCM gave everyone an excuse to stop talking and start dozing in front of the TV premiere of ET or Raiders of the Lost Ark or (if you had Channel Four) Betty Blue. Despite the best efforts of (cough) Christmas TV listings magazines to pretend otherwise, the BCM is now something you couldn’t be bothered watching six months ago on Disney+. Don’t say: at least there’s always the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special.
U is for uncle
Of all family members, this is the one of whom to be most wary. It won’t take long before you find out that he is in fact an “independent thinker” who has been doing “his own research” and has uncovered some shocking truths about who really runs the world. Would you like to hear more? Have you seen his YouTube channel? Do say: absolutely not.
V is for vegans
Vegetarians are fine. Pescatarians are dandy. But vegans impose an intolerable additional burden on the already-stressed Christmas cook. Do you really expect them to whip up some ingenious pulse-based festive feast on the side? Do say: here, have a sprout.
W is for woke
There is no such thing as woke. There are simply intersectional standpoint epistemologies that deconstruct the mechanisms of privilege and patriarchy by queering the paradigms of power that underpin the post-neoliberal order. And sometimes by burning books too. Do say: Christmas is cancelled.
X is for Generation X
Truly the worst of all the generations. Look at them, in their stupid retro T-shirts, using their fingers to make ironic air quotes. Will they ever grow up? Don’t say: it’s as if the menopause never happened.
Y is for You
Yes, you. Maybe you are the problem, with your Grinch-ish sneering at all this comfort and joy. Take a moment to yourself. Rekindle the spirit of James Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life. Do say: every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
Z is for Generation Z
The most pathetic of all the generations. Look at them, in their billowing jeans, TikTokking their acai bowls and refusing to have sex or get drunk. They think they’re so great. Well, they won’t think that once I’ve finished this one last small sherry and gotten my Christmas cracker back from them. Do say: I believe the children are the future.
