Parenting: How to talk to your child about sexual abuse No parent wants to fill their child with fear of the world, but talking to them about sexual abuse is a necessary evil and there are child-centred ways of having the conversation
Alan Corbet can understand why most parents don't talk to their children about sexual abuse. Apart from being a sensitive topic that's very hard to understand, let alone to explain, no one wants to fill their child with fear of the world and the adults around them.
Corbet is a senior therapist with the abuse support agency CARI (Children at Risk in Ireland), and he believes that parents can borrow therapeutic methods to introduce the topic in a non-threatening way at home.
"Play is the primary tool of communication where children are concerned," says Corbet. "In therapy, we use play to act out what children are feeling. They direct the play themselves, giving us an insight into their reactions to certain scenarios." For example, using dolls or action figures, a parent can set up a situation where a child is approached by an adult in the street. Allowing the child to role play her response, parents can measure her awareness of "stranger danger" and guide her to more appropriate responses, if necessary.
It's no secret that children are at greater risk from people they know than from strangers. This is a far more difficult subject to tackle. "Schools are moving away from the idea of 'stranger danger' and are talking to kids about how to deal with inappropriate behaviour by adults they know and trust," says Corbet.
Building self-esteem is critical. Children who are confident in themselves and who understand that they deserve to be believed and protected are more likely to say no to a potential abuser and speak to another adult about their experience, Corbet stresses.
There is no place for secrets in a child's life. Perhaps a dialogue about abuse risk could start with this very general, and not-so-scary conversation. Children should be encouraged to distrust any adult who asks them to keep a secret from their parents - it's hard to imagine an innocent scenario where such a request would be necessary.
Taking the conversation to the next level fills parents with dread. Who wants to invade a happy childhood with dark imaginings?
Corbet says that if the subject is handled in the right way, children can take on the message in much the same way as they absorb information about road safety - it need not fill them with anxiety.
"By using play, storytelling and examples from TV parents can explore ideas and build awareness in children without scaring them. Of course every child is different - a parent will be able to judge if the child is pulling away from the topic because they are not ready to deal with it."
Look out for situations in TV programmes and cartoons where a scary person threatens a child's favourite character. Ask the child; what would you do if you were feeling scared? Would you get some help? Who would you talk to? What words would you use to explain how you were feeling?
If you can't find a TV narrative to model, then you might find the characters you need in books. A book dedicated to this subject - No More Secrets for Me by Oralee Wachter (Little, Brown and Company) - examines four scenarios where children find themselves in uncomfortable, inappropriate exchanges with adults and find positive ways to deal with them.
The first two stories are mild. The first, in fact, is a case of a child feeling uncomfortable about a rather innocent action on the part of a babysitter, a situation where boundaries are crossed, albeit well-intentioned.
The second story focuses on a young girl's determination to beat the boys at an arcade game. As part of the narrative, an older character at the arcade pays the central character unwanted attention and she removes herself from the situation and discusses it with her mother later.
The second two stories are darker. A summer camp leader makes an advance on a young boy, and a girl is the subject of sexual abuse by her stepfather. These are for older children; indeed many parents might not feel confident to use these stories at all. However, they explore important notions about keeping secrets and the feelings of guilt that young victims of abuse can suffer.
No Secrets For Me has been around for 20 years - it's a bestseller in THE US - but has been republished again this year. Other resources that parents can access include the Stay Safe programme currently being taught at primary level. CARI operates a helpline - 1890 924567.
