We all lie, every day, as a matter of routine. So how do we teach honesty to our children? Maybe it's time we started practising what we preach, writes Louise Holden
Lies are endemic in society. Our interminable tribunals have revealed the lies on which people build careers, fortunes and positions of power. On a smaller scale, we lie daily about how we can't make it to work because we're sick, we can't come to the phone because we're in the shower, we agree that our friend's fake tan looks so natural.
How would you get through the day without lying? People who never lie, who cannot hold their tongue, who give blunt and insulting responses whenever their opinion is sought are considered rude and unpleasant. The phrase, "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is an invitation to lie by omission.
Children with learning disorders that involve literal mindedness are considered socially disadvantaged. Why would we teach our children to behave in a way that puts them at a social disadvantage? In her book, Truth About Lying, Dr Gina Graham Scott defines five types of lying: the "model of absolute integrity," who is someone who rarely lies; the "straight-shooter," someone who tells white lies; the "pragmatic fibber," who lies when the situation calls for it; the "Pinocchio" - someone who sees no problem in lying; the "compulsive liar" - someone who is pathological and lies for no reason at all.
Out of those five options, "the pragmatic fibber", sounds like the most sensible choice. When it comes to lying, should we teach our children moral relativism? This is a tricky situation. If you take the position that all lying is wrong and children should be taught as much, you then have to banish all lies from your household. You can never again ask your child to tell the Jehovah's Witnesses standing on the doorstep that you're in the bath. You can never give out about your neighbour's tacky garden furniture at home and then compliment it to her face. If you want to see your honesty policy through to the bitter end, you can forget about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and doggie heaven.
According to the experts, the process begins with separating out different kinds of lie. Children start lying very young, but the first lies are associated with fantasy. A playful approach will get you through this stage. If the child comes home with a story about how the teacher sprouted wings and flew out the window, play along. But before the game is over, remind the child that this is just pretend and perhaps compliment her on her colourful imagination.
As they come out of toddlerhood at some point all children will try lying to divert blame for something they did wrong. Again this is a natural stage and a logical solution for children who still have little understanding of future consequences and so will happily latch on to the short-term solution that a diversionary lie presents. Usually these lies are easy to see through and provide a good opportunity to begin engaging with the concept of truth.
Author and parenting counsellor Elizabeth Crary favours "choose your own ending" stories for teaching children the consequences of dishonesty. Crary says that discussing "What if?" scenarios helps parents illustrate the long-term problems that lying can create for the child. Here's an example, but the best approach is to invent one that fits with your child's experience.
"It's a rule in our house that you do not climb over the back wall and into the neighbour's garden. Let's imagine that one day you broke the rule, and when you climbed over the wall you landed on the neighbour's flower bed and crushed his flowers. When the neighbour calls over to complain, you tell a lie and say that the boy next door did it. What happens next? At first, the lie works. The neighbour is no longer cross with you and you don't get punished for breaking the rule. So lying is a good idea then? It is, until the next day the neighbour tells your dad that the boy next door says he didn't do it either. Then the neighbour doesn't know who to believe so he is cross with both of you. Your dad suspects you might be lying so the next time something gets broken in the house, you get the blame. The boy next door won't talk to you because you got him into trouble.
"If you owned up in the first place you would have had a small punishment to deal with and then the whole thing would be over. Even though you broke the rules, everyone would know that you were honest and would forgive you quickly."
Crary suggests that where children are caught out lying about a wrongdoing, it's important to discipline the lie and the wrongdoing separately, so that the child realises that there are consequences for both.
If a child consistently lies to hide wrongdoing, it's worth taking a look at your own reaction to mischief. If you have a tendency to blow up and shout the house down, you might be encouraging the child to lie in order to avoid a scene.
Older children will tell an outright lie to cover up their guilt and avoid punishment. These lies might be harder to spot as the child gets more adept at inventing plausible stories. When you do spot a lie, paediatrician Cathryn Tobin suggest a calm, undramatic response.
"The best approach to this kind of lie is a matter-of-fact acknowledgment that the child is lying while giving the appropriate consequence for the misbehaviour. A gentle explanation to your younger child that you expect her to tell the truth when she does something wrong should be followed by an opportunity for her to make amends. Your older child knows that lying is wrong, and he should receive a consequence for both the misbehaviour and the lying."
Lying that becomes a habit needs to be addressed consistently, writes Tobin, author of The Parent's Problem Solver: Smart Solutions for Everyday Discipline and Behavior Problems. "Compulsive lying is serious and should be confronted consistently. You do need those eyes in the back of your head if your child lies frequently. Most parents learn to recognise the non-verbal signals that their child is lying, but a child who lies compulsively gets pretty good at it. To break the cycle, you need to keep the upper hand and continually give consequences for lying. A long-term consistent effort may be needed, but it should pay off when the child learns that lying is never his best option."
Punishment is not always the best consequence for lying, however, and especially when the lie was concocted to avoid punishment. Punishing a lie when it is motivated by fear tends to enforce the fear. Seek the deeper motivation for the lie and work at the source rather than the symptom. Soft messages can be more effective than hard discipline. For example, explaining that lies are hurtful to you may come as a chastening surprise to the child.
As last month's MEAS (Mature Enjoyment of Alcohol in Society) survey on underage drinking revealed, Irish children and teenagers lie as a matter of habit, partly to avoid trouble, partly to assert their independence. If you can gradually impart the negative consequences of habitual lying, you might reduce the lies, if not eradicate them altogether.
