The Bigger Picture: Self-esteem is an incredibly important thing. It is all-encompassing, affecting every detail of our lives. Quite simply, it comes down to this: if we feel bad about ourselves, everything stops. We become paralysed and overwhelmed. We struggle to access our thinking or know which direction to move in next. We lack confidence to create and move forward.
On the other hand, if we feel good about ourselves, we have energy and momentum. Imagination and confidence flow. We can see limitless possibilities and feel motivated to take risks and make them a reality.
To achieve, create success, have confidence and take the decisions that bring happiness into our lives, we need self-esteem. The big question is, how do you build it?
The first thing we need to understand about self-esteem is that it's not a simple, monolithic thing. It's not the case that you either have or don't have self-esteem. Rather, it's something dynamic encompassing a diversity of dimensions.
Self-esteem is about how you feel about yourself. Not only do we all have diverse aspects to our identities, we also have a range of feelings about those aspects and tend to feel differently in different contexts. Thus, self-esteem is not just a single thing that can be assessed as good or bad, but involves a complexity of incidences, perspectives and feelings about who we are.
Although most of us assess self-esteem in broad terms - a "net" measure, if you will, of mostly good or mostly bad - this idea doesn't always serve us, particularly if we want to hone in on and nurture specific aspects of our sense of self. Rather, it's helpful to look at the different ways we feel about ourselves in different situations.
The truth is that everyone struggles with their identity in some place. This also means that most of us have many places we don't struggle. First and foremost, we need to acknowledge this and develop a more accurate picture of ourselves.
Most of us find it easier to notice places we feel bad about ourselves rather than our beauty. We can get a hundred compliments on a job, but if we receive three criticisms (no matter how irrational, irrelevant or inappropriate), they hold more power than anything else. Unfortunately, this doesn't provide an accurate view of ourselves.
Part of the journey to strengthen our self-esteem is to first commit to believing in the more accurate picture: the beautiful aspects of your personality. The characteristics you have that are really important to you, that you bring to any situation, and that also make a difference to others. The things you do with grace and ease.
Most of us take these aspects for granted, even insisting they aren't important and don't really matter. The truth is that the world needs them, things go better for others because we are this way, and they deserve recognition.
Secondly, most of us are aware of how others influence us, but are blind to the fact that we might also have an impact on others. This myth of invisibility undermines our confidence and power. It also leaves us with only disempowered responses to a situation, like blame, violence, passive-aggression or withdrawal. Most importantly, it damages our connections and leaves us more isolated.
Isolation further undermines our confidence. It makes us feel like the world is on our shoulders and doesn't let us bring our defences down. In this way, it makes us more susceptible to believing inaccurate perspectives on ourselves and others. Building our relationships, then, improves our self-esteem.
We need love, connection and closeness to have the resources to take risks. We need to feel our belonging in the world. We get closer to people by showing the unique aspects of our personality, even if they sometimes feel awkward or vulnerable. This creates a foundation where we can later let in specific people (who are good to us) to see our struggles and give us a hand. This builds confidence. In addition, it helps to become aware of what's important to you in the world and the personal characteristics you respect. When you use them as your guide to making decisions - regardless of whether the consequential actions are comfortable or uncomfortable, easy or hard - you strengthen your self-esteem. Acting in line with what you respect and value creates a sense of relief, integrity and wellbeing.
Also, laughter and fun are a great relief from struggle. They take our attention off places where we feel bad or insecure, and promote the healing of our bodies and minds. Planning to do things daily that bring fun into our lives ensures we are going to feel good more often.
Finally, there is no need to be perfect. It's not true that people will leave you if you get things wrong every now and again. What is important is that we keep learning, reconciling and re-connecting. This is what develops closeness, not perfection. So, give yourself a break, bring down your defences and have a laugh - at yourself, at life and just for fun.