PARENTING GUIDEBOOKS are full of advice about navigating your way through the jungle of parenthood: helping your child learn; spending quality time with children; helping children to socialise with others.
But then there are the unspoken and disturbing aspects of childhood which guidebooks don't prepare you for.
If a child tells you they are being abused or neglected at home, what do you do? Do you confront the alleged perpetrator? Do you tell other parents? Do you try to investigate the matter further?
And what do you do about children from immigrant families where a child might be subjected to corporal punishment? Do you accept it as part of their culture? Do you intervene in the family yourself? Do you ring the Garda?
A new Barnardos guide - Supporting Quality - aims to help parents and childcare workers deal with some of the most unsettling and challenging situations that childhood can throw at you.
These issues aren't as isolated as you might think. Latest figures show that about 2,300 children were taken into care last year because of abuse or neglect.
The reasons ranged from parents not being able to cope to physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
What's more, the number of children deemed to be at risk has been rising dramatically in recent years, due mainly to increased awareness of what constitutes abuse.
"In dealing with any of these issues it comes down to 'what is the right thing to do'. But that can be utterly confusing at times," said Geraldine French, the guidebook's author, who is an early childhood specialist and lecturer. "But if you suspect a child is abused, then you have a moral obligation to ensure it is dealt with."
The ability to recognise child abuse often depends as much on a person's willingness to accept the possibility of its existence as it does on knowledge and information.
If a child confides in you about being abused, French's main advice is to stay calm, avoid expressing judgment on the perpetrator but, above all, never promise to keep a secret.
"By refusing to make a commitment to secrecy to a child, you do run the risk that they may not tell you everything or indeed anything. But it's better to do this than to tell a lie and ruin the child's confidence in yet another adult.
"By being honest, it is more likely that the child will return to you another time."
According to French, you should record in writing, at the earliest opportunity, what has been said including, as far as possible, the exact words the child used. The next step should be to report the matter to the Health Service Executive (HSE) and to keep the matter confidential.
She said that the most dangerous thing to do was to take on the role of verifying whether a child was really being abused.
"You have to be careful not to become the investigator. It's not the role of the person hearing the story to investigate the situation. Remember, people can sometimes be falsely accused, or the story can sometimes have elements of fantasy or make-believe. The reality is that it's the social workers who take responsibility," she said.
Neglect, too, is a difficult issue for many to know how to handle. Many children in these circumstances are living in difficult and stressful environments. But, again, the dilemma of what to do can be overwhelming.
French points out that while not all children are being abused in these situations, they may be at risk of future harm. But interventions to support families experiencing difficulties can greatly reduce the possibility of future risk or harm.
"Early intervention can prevent worsening of current difficulties for children and families," she said.
"It can reduce future risk, help families develop strategies for coping with stress and prevent children from being separated from their parents or carers."
These dilemmas can be even more difficult in a multicultural society where different cultures may treat children in different way.
Corporal punishment, for example, is still acceptable in many cultures, as it was here until relatively recently. This can place childcare professionals, teachers and neighbours in very difficult positions, not knowing whether to intervene.
"The most important thing is that we explain what the common practices are here and what is acceptable," she said. "It's about getting an understanding, re-educating people and changing attitudes. That can take time."
Given the ever-changing nature of what is acceptable or what is considered an infringement of children's rights, French said some of the practices in common use today may be seen as inappropriate in the future. "Sending a child to sit on the naughty step can work well," she said, "but it's another matter entirely if it is used aggressively, with a child dumped on their own for long periods of time."
As well as meeting the needs of vulnerable children, French's advice aims to help parents explore the wider issue of ensuring all children can reach their full potential in early childhood.
She said childcare facilities such as creches or Montessori schools have a duty to ensure parents are kept well informed about the general operation of their child's service and welcomed as contributors to and participants of the service.
For example, parents should receive a handbook giving details of the service before their child is enrolled. Once their child is attending the service, parents should be invited to discuss their child's progress, interests, achievements and challenges with the staff informally on a daily basis and formally at arranged meetings with the child's key worker.
"It's important for parents to shop around before placing your child in childcare," she said.
"These are important decisions because the experience children have at this age will impact on them in their later development," she said.
"If I'm choosing childcare, I will look at things like the consistency of staff, the kind of equipment they have, factors beyond the immediate environment."
Supporting Quality is available from Barnardos at www.barnardos.ie
Responding to a child disclosing abuse
Be as calm and natural a possible - remember you have been approached because you are trusted or liked.
Give the child the time and opportunity to say as much as they want to - do not pressurise the child.
Be careful when asking questions - they should be supportive for the purpose of clarification.
Assure the child you believe them; false disclosures are very rare.
Avoid expressing any judgment or anger towards the alleged perpetrator.
Reassure the child that your feelings towards them have not been affected in a negative way.
Do not promise to keep secrets; tell the child there are secrets that are not helpful which should not be kept because they make matters worse; these secrets hide things that need to be known if people are to be protected from further hurt.
