That's men for you Padraig O'Morain's guide to men's health
The abuse of children can have serious long-term effects, as we know. Some of these effects are not often talked about but need to be talked about. These include the decision by some abuse victims never to have children themselves for fear they will repeat the abuse; the belief that there was something about them in particular that attracted the abuser; and a weight of guilt arising from having felt physical pleasure at some stages of the abuse.
By "abuse" I mean neglect or physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
Some men and women who suffered such abuse as children decide they will never marry or that, if they do, they will never have children. Their fear is that they would inevitably end up abusing their children in the way they themselves were abused.
But it isn't so. Yes, it appears that an abused child is more likely to commit an offence as an adult than a child who was not abused. This, however, applies to a minority.
Many people who were abused as children go on to be good, decent and loving parents to their own children. Indeed, I expect it is those who are most worried about repeating the cycle of abuse who are least likely to do so - because they are on their guard against it.
One of the nastier tactics of the child abuser is to induce guilt in the victim. This guilt can then go on to affect the victim's view of himself or herself for years. For example, a boy abused by a man may be told, or may conclude on his own, that there was something in particular about him which attracted men. As a result, the boy can feel guilt because there is something "wrong" with him. He can also experience confusion about his own sexuality.
In reality, what was attractive was simply the fact that he was a child who could be exploited. Beyond that there was nothing special about him which attracted the abuser.
Similarly, a girl abused by a man can wrongly conclude that she is particularly attractive to men and that somehow she is partly responsible for what happened; thus she may engage in various self-destructive behaviours.
What has actually happened, in both cases, is that the child was abused by a paedophile or by one of that small minority of men who are not paedophiles but who are willing to exploit children if they can get away with it.
Most distressingly of all, people are sometimes also haunted as adults by a memory of having obtained a degree of physical pleasure from the abuse. Indeed, the abuser may well have used this fact to try to make the child, especially an older child, assume the guilt. But the pleasure, if there was any, was simply a result of the biological way we are made and in no way condones the abuse of a child by an adult.
This can be more easily understood by looking at a non-sexual example: if someone was to kidnap you, lock you in a room and give you nothing to eat but a bar of chocolate, the chocolate would still taste sweet.
That doesn't mean it was alright to lock you in the room or that you wanted to be there: it just means we are biologically constructed so that chocolate tastes sweet, that's all. The experience of being kidnapped and held prisoner will still be damaging and traumatising.
Similarly, any experience of biological pleasure by a child who is being abused does not reduce by an iota the guilt of the abuser. In my opinion, it actually increases that guilt by adding to the emotional pain of the child. The child remains innocent of any complicity in what is happening.
If you are an adult who was abused as a child and if you carry any of these forms of guilt around with you, try to realise that the guilt is a continuing part of the abuse and that it belongs to only one person - the abuser.
pomorain@irish-times.ie
Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.