THAT'S MEN:Some thoughtfulness and forward planning can reduce the risk of emotional flare-ups, writes Padraig O'Morain
FAMILIES WHICH include children from more than one union are referred to as "blended" families - but the emotional pressures of Christmas can leave them distinctly unblended.
That's why it pays to plan ways to cope with the potential resentments and other challenges which can afflict such families at this time.
A little thought can help avoid a lot of painful trouble which could go on for weeks or months.
The temptation is to hope that Christmas cheer will magically gloss over any tensions, but this is a dangerous strategy. This is the very time of year when emotions that have been pushed under the surface may flare up disconcertingly.
In a family which has been created from two separate marriages or unions there are four parents and eight sets of grandparents, if I've got the maths right.
To the extent that these parents and grandparents see Christmas as a time to avoid point-scoring then there is a decent chance of a reasonably good Christmas for all. But if Christmas is seen as a time to settle scores and to parade old resentments, including justified resentments, then Christmas 2008 could be hell.
In her book Gifts from the heart - simple ways to make your family's Christmas more meaningful, Virginia Brucker includes tips for families in this position.
On the subject of gifts, she urges parents to spend the same amount of money on each child and to ensure that each child receives roughly the same number of gifts. It would be very easy, without thinking about it, to spend more money on your "own" children than on the child from another union - especially if you are trying to compensate "your" child for the break-up of your marriage.
If you spend more on the children from one union, it will be noticed and resented.
On this issue, it is also worth asking grandparents either to buy a gift for each child or else to buy some sort of family gift - a box of sweets or something of that kind.
And give the children some money with which to buy presents for each other, including the children from the other family.
If the two families don't live together and if the children of one family are coming for an overnight, why not turn it into a sleepover with sleeping bags in the living room? This way, nobody has to make do with the status of simply being a visitor to their own parent, she points out.
See to it, as well, that photographs of all the children are on display in the house. Small children in the "host" house might be asked which toys they want to share and other toys could be put away until the visit is over.
When planning Christmas and new year activities, she advises, leave plenty of family time. Think about it: with four parents and eight sets of grandparents you won't squeeze it all into an afternoon.
Brucker suggests children should be asked what Christmas traditions they want to bring from their previous family into their new family. This can help to give them a sense of continuity and comfort.
She also advocates creating new Christmas traditions, special to the new family. This could be as simple as ordering pizza on Christmas Eve as a special treat.
In these ways, traditions are used to acknowledge both the "old" and the "new" families.
If all the children from both unions are now living in the same family, she suggests the parents consider spending Christmas in some place which doesn't have a link with either.
This helps to avoid old associations and old pains springing up. I'm not so sure about this one, though. How are the absent parents or grandparents to have an involvement with the children at Christmas if everyone is flying off to Lanzarote? There is an issue of fairness here.
Virginia Brucker's book is sold in Canada and over the internet to raise money for the Canadian Cancer Society. But you can read her article on Christmas for blended families - what a horrid adjective! - if you Google "Brucker Canadian Living" without the quotation marks.
If you are a parent or grandparent in such a family, do take a look. It could be the most useful 10 minutes you'll spend this Christmas.
• Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor