The speaker clock in Leinster House that dare not chime its tunes . . . Michael Woods and the joy of antiques . . . Civvies in the Garda Press Office . . . How the Greens are helping population growth . . . Farewell knees-up in the Oireachtas restaurant . . .
It appeared without fanfare a couple of months ago in Leinster House, taking its place among the portraits of patriots in the entrance hall - an early Georgian mahogany speaker-clock, which stood in Grattan's parliament and was owned by architect Francis Johnston, designer of the GPO.
Given its provenance, there was huge interest when the clock was auctioned last year by Garech de Brún. The Guinness heir had decided to do a spot of decluttering at his Wicklow home, so he threw up a chandeliered marquee on the lawn at Luggala and made €2.9 million from his little clear-out.
However the star of the sale, the clock, failed to sell and was withdrawn at €420,000. Negotiations continued afterwards, with a reported offer of €450,000 under consideration.
No more was heard of the speaker-clock, which turns out tunes on the quarter hour - and no more will be heard of it either, now that it's surfaced in Leinster House. The chimes have been disconnected.
The clock was bought by low-profile Mayo businessman Frank Kerins, who recently donated it to the Oireachtas. Last week, Frank and his wife, Pamela, were invited to lunch with the ceann comhairle. Afterwards, the couple were touring Leinster House with Minister Mary Harney when they bumped into Senator David Norris, who has an interest in antique Irish timepieces.
Mary told them about their connection with the Francis Johnston clock.
"I've never heard it chime. Tell me, does it ding or does it dong?" he boomed enthusiastically.
There was a slightly awkward pause.
"It does neither. It plays God Save the Queen."
Merciful hour!
God Save the Queen, every 15 minutes in the main lobby of Leinster House, with Michael Collins hanging on the wall above and an original copy of the 1916 Proclamation across the way. Thankfully, there is more than one tune. Anyone for Rule Brittania?
Still, if Queen Elizabeth ever visits the Dáil, the Army band won't have to lay on a welcome. They can just crank up the clock.
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Oh, the joy of antiques. How much would deputy Michael Woods fetch at auction today? (Steeped in history, well preserved, full working order, on display in Leinster House since 1977.) Last Thursday, March 8th, marked the 25th anniversary of the formation of Charlie Haughey's infamous and short lived Gubu government (see picture). What a fine body of men!
And there's Woodsie on the left. He began his glittering career under Jack Lynch and held cabinet posts with all three subsequent FF taoisigh.
Fianna Fáil's great survivor is only member of the class of Gubu still serving in Dáil Éireann; the one remaining link to those turbulent days in 1982.
How fitting so, that Fianna Fáil chose last Thursday to announce that Dr Woods (71) has reluctantly bowed to his leader's wishes and will run again in Dublin North East.
Hang on a minute. Michael Woods is not the only link. The chief whip in the Gubu government is not in our photograph. How could we forget Charlie's faithful whip at the cabinet table? Bertie Ahern is the missing link.
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Meanwhile, the long-running saga of who will join Bertie in Dublin Central was finally resolved on Wednesday night. Would it be Cyprian Brady or Mary Fitzpatrick? In the end, both candidates were given the nod. It can't have come as a shock to Bertie's buddy Cyprian, who had billboards up in the constituency before the announcement and hosted a big fundraiser in Westmanstown Golf Club two weeks ago.
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Yet again, Willie O'Dea and Micheál Martin are left in charge while the rest of the Cabinet go gallivanting around the globe with bowls of shamrock. With an election imminent, the lads are happy to stay behind. Willie returned last week from Lebanon, where his visit got huge coverage in the Beirut newspapers. One of them gave him the entire front page. Willie was unimpressed - no circulation in Limerick.
The Patrick's Day goodwill visits are shorter than usual this year and senior ministers have steered clear of the long haul trips. The Taoiseach is in Dublin on March 17th for the first time in years. Five junior ministers have been lumbered with Asia.
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Minister of State Noel Ahern was overheard complaining earlier this week that he had been asking for years for the trip to Australia, because his daughter lives there.
"I was told to shag off, that's for more important ministers."
At long last, he was offered the gig this year, because the more important ministers didn't want to stray too far from their constituencies. But Noel has pre-election jitters too. Sadly, he's turned down Australia and opted for Romania.
Even Cheltenham is affected. Labour's Willie Penrose, a national hunt stalwart, is giving the festival a miss. He's planning to do constituency work instead.
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Michael McDowell may find himself with a case of blue flu on his hands shortly, as the civilianisation of the Garda Síochána begins in earnest. The head of the new Garda Inspectorate, Kathleen O'Toole, has spoken of the need for continual change within the force - and a big change was announced on Thursday to shocked members of the Garda Press Office.
The nine long-serving members were told they are being replaced by civilian clerical assistants this Monday and to pick a station or section to which they would like to be transferred. The four sergeants will remain.
PJ Stone of the Garda Representative Association has become involved and is trying to negotiate a two-week delay on the decision.
While Kathleen O'Toole may be the standard bearer for these changes, furious gardaí say Michael McDowell's fingerprints are all over it. They say the choice of a high-profile example such as the Garda Press Office to begin the civilianisation process reeks of politics.
If Mary Harney's nurses want to strike, McDowell's guards can go ahead and revolt. Anything she can do . . .
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Senator Joe O'Toole claims to be Ireland's only podcasting politician and his weekly musings on life in Leinster House are now being broadcast by a number of local radio stations. "Some of the other politicians are very proud of their blogsites, which are celebrated by equally Luddite journalists, but blogging is to podcasting as quills are to fountain pens - centuries behind," says Techno Joe.
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Lucinda Creighton, Fine Gael's lively candidate in crowded Dublin South East, has taken political leaking to a new level by buying advertising space on top of urinals in 30 pubs around the constituency. She's spending more than a penny on her "Don't see a good election wasted - Vote Lucinda Creighton no 1" campaign, but reckons she's reaching a captive audience.
The female vote hasn't been forgotten either. The message also features on the back of toilet doors in corresponding ladies loos. Booked for six weeks, the campaign will cost about €2,500.
A more expensive and glamorous approach has been adopted by Lucinda's party colleague, Simon Coveney. He's trading on his matinee idol looks with adverts in Cork cinemas. His five-minute feature, aimed at encouraging young people to vote, premiered in Cork's Mahon Point cinema last Friday, with light refreshments in the foyer and two tickets for a movie of their choice for all who attended.
How on earth can well-got Simon possibly afford such expense, and him just a serving TD and MEP?
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Let there be no quips about over-populating the planet - this is a good news story. Galway mayor Niall Ó Brolcháin became a dad for the fifth time last week when his wife Niamh Mulvany gave birth at home to baby son Diarmuid, a brother to Ferdia (13), Amy (9), Fionn (6) and Cianán (2). Forecasts that councillor O'Broccoli could land the city's first Dáil seat for the Greens has led to an increased emphasis on environmental matters in Galway West. This might explain a alarming press release from Fianna Fáil councillor Mike Crowe. It's headed "Lough Corrib Under Threat From Dishwasher Tablets".
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Tension between running mates at election time is often far worse then tensions between rival parties. It's a bit tense at the moment in Limerick West, where Fine Gael senator Michael Finucane lost out to Dan Neville by a single vote in 2002. Both are contesting again.
The situation is now rather fraught; any FG deputy or senator seen in the company of either candidate is assumed to be in their camp. Recently, a rumour swept the party rooms that Clare TD Pat Breen had been seen socialising with Senator Finucane. Next day, as Pat was on the telephone in his office, Dan Neville arrived unannounced and started opening doors and peering under desks. When Breen finished his call, he asked Neville what he was looking for. He said he was checking to see if Michael Finucane was hiding in his office.
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Labour is hoping some of the success of Brian O'Driscoll and his team will rub off on them during the election. Their battle bus is booked and ready to roll. It's the same bus that was used this year by the Irish rugby team. Labour see this as a sign. Just don't mention the French.
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March 27th will see a massive knees-up in the Oireachtas restaurant when five members who are retiring after the elections host a farewell party. Popular Fianna Fáil deputies Noel Davern, GV Wright and Dermot Fitzpatrick will be joined by senators Rory Kiely and Eddie Bohan for the occasion. Invitations have been printed for the event which marks "128 years of dedicated and active combined service".
The party is between 7pm and 9pm, but nobody believes that. Free drink is promised and, in the words of Noel Davern, "it won't just be that aul wine".
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Back to the Francis Johnston clock in Leinster House. It bears the motto Nunquam Non Paratas meaning "Never Unprepared". Opposition politicians should keep that in mind. Word is that Fianna Fáil plan to come out with all guns blazing when its ardfheis finishes on Saturday week. The Soldiers of Destiny have been ominously quiet in recent months, but as the campaign draws near, one thing is sure where party leader Bertie Ahern is concerned - he is never unprepared.