Christmas in Ireland is special. Christmas in New England, where I grew up, of course, has the snowy charm, but it’s hard to condense two weeks of festivities and family gatherings into two days off work.
My children were born in Ireland to an Irish father and me, their Irish American mother. I enjoyed the magic of Irish Christmases for 10 years, before we all moved back to the US in 2015. We still have our house in Kerry and travel back and forth often. So my children’s lives will always be a mix of Irish and American, regardless of where they live. This heritage which spans the Atlantic fills them, and me, with so much pride.
But parts of it also make me worry. Ireland has a societal and cultural tolerance for alcohol that I think is damaging and isn’t spoken about enough. The current push to raise awareness of the health harms alcohol causes through labelling laws in Ireland is important. But we need to do more than just label alcohol bottles. We also need to break the silence and stigma around alcohol, the short- and long-term hurt even so-called “normal” drinking causes children and the tolerance Irish society has for it.
Alcohol was always a big part of our Christmases in Ireland. From the first Baileys while we decorate the tree to a Christmas Eve drink in the local to the session on Stephen’s Day, Christmas in Ireland seemed to me to be marked by two weeks of drinking. Every big event, even children’s birthday parties, involves adults celebrating or commiserating with alcohol. There don’t have to be arguments, violence or accidents for this to be a problem; the message that we need drink to spend time together and to cope with or enjoy any of life’s occasions is, I think, damaging enough.
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Róisín Ingle recently wrote movingly in The Irish Times about facing her health fears sober and how it has been a revelation. I wasn’t addicted to wine, but like Ingle, “I drank far too much of that substance ... than was healthy for my mind or my body or my soul” or for my children.
Our casual alcohol use isn’t something we generally discuss, except in relation to addiction or alcoholism. And yet Alcohol Action Ireland estimates over 1.2 million people are living with the legacy of a childhood marked by problem parental alcohol use, such as binge drinking.
And so, since last Christmas, I no longer drink in my home or around my children. Instead of regular glasses of wine, I save drinking for the very occasional glass. My sleep has improved, I have less anxiety, and I no longer worry about the example I’m setting for my teenagers. But mostly I made the decision because I didn’t want my children to see me wake up hungover any more - or pretending I’m not hungover.
I’m not alone in trying to cut back. Alcohol consumption in Ireland may be falling, but it is still 35 per cent higher now than if everyone drank at Health Service Executive “low risk” levels. According to the Institute of Addiction Studies, the alcohol companies which dominate the industry, like Diageo, generate around $1.17 trillion in revenue annually, and 68 per cent of that comes from people drinking above recommended levels. Almost half of all people who drink in Ireland drink harmfully - and despite this evidence, Big Alcohol has thoroughly convinced us their product isn’t harmful in moderation.
But research shows that the most harm to children, and wider society is caused by binge drinking and patterns of use many of us consider “responsible” or normal.
Over Christmas, parents with throbbing heads and churning stomachs will wake up and clean away the mess, but they won’t be able to clear away the guilt and anxiety caused by a hangover, or behaviour they regret. Our kids will see us drinking too much. And since we don’t talk about, they will learn that drinking to excess is normal, and their concerns are not. This cultural silence makes it too easy to dismiss legitimate concerns as an overreaction, or someone being “no craic” or controlling. But setting boundaries to protect our kids, and ourselves is our right and our responsibility. Evidence-based programs and skills-based approaches, like Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training (CRAFT) and SMART Recovery teach family coping and communication skills that can prevent these conversations from turning into defensive arguments.
Our silence, even when it’s well intentioned, won’t protect kids. Author Emilie Pine movingly captured the impact of this silence in a campaign run by Alcohol Action Ireland entitled Silent Voices. “His drinking was an ever present part of our life, but we never really talked about it. No one else wanted to talk about it either. People said that Dad ‘loved a pint’ or maybe that he was a ‘big drinker’. No one mentioned the words ‘functioning alcoholic’. The silence was part of the problem.”
Organisations like Alcohol Action Ireland, the US initiative Sober St. Patrick’s Day, and The Rise Foundation, are raising awareness of the impact of substance use on children. Marion Rackard, a psychotherapist and substance policy expert, founded the Silent Voices because of her professional and childhood experience. She knows taboos around the impact of adult alcohol consumption on children leaves them feeling powerless. Neil Kelders, a mental health advocate, says teenagers often struggle because parents stay silent about their own difficulties. “Kids learn silence by watching us. When we step around the truth and insist we’re ‘grand,’ they do the same; and they start carrying worries that were never meant for them.”
I wanted to stop this cycle for my children and show them a different way to live, and that means I need to live and enjoy Christmas - and all the other good and bad times - without numbing myself. The best parts of an Irish Christmas - the connection, the generosity and time to relax - have nothing to do with alcohol. In fact, the stress of strained family relations or an overpacked social calendar are easier to manage with a clear head and good night’s sleep. Our children want our presence and our stability - not a version of us that changes as the day goes on.
Colleen Frawley is an Irish-American writer and child health policy advocate based in New England and Co Kerry when in Ireland. She writes as @abattleaxe on Substack.
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