Researchers at University College London discovered the mathematical equation for happiness. Here it is:
Ht = w₀ + w1 CRt + w2EVt + w3RPE t
Let me explain what this has to do with your Christmas Day plans. But first, I have to explain the equation. (Focus on the big letters, ignore the little w’s.)
Ht means your happiness at a particular moment – say as you sit down to dinner, ready to pull the cracker.
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CRt means a good thing that has just happened – a guaranteed reward. Let’s say it’s the preparation finished and a moment of craic over the first pre-dinner drink in front of the fire.
EVt is what your expectation is for how enjoyable the rest of the day is going to be – say how much you will enjoy the Christmas dinner.
RPE t is called the reward prediction error. To get this, you subtract the outcome – what actually happens from your prediction – what you expected to happen.
If you get a plus sign from this subtraction, this will boost your momentary happiness. But a negative sign? That will pull it down.
So how you feel at the end of Christmas dinner will depend a little bit on whether good things happened earlier in the day – whether those tartan socks were exactly what you wanted – but mostly on whether it turned out better or worse than you expected.
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The trouble with Christmas is that our expectations are jacked up enormously by the surrounding hype – sentimental TV adverts, everyone else’s artificially perfect life on Instagram. But maybe we are lucky and have a big, happy family around us, with no strains and Christmas Day outcomes that more than match our high expectations. The equation’s answer? Guaranteed happiness.
Of course, this isn’t the case for everyone. Tradition or family obligations can sometimes mean several hours in the sometimes strained company of people you normally don’t spend much time with. Or the prising open of some raw emotional wound because of a recent bereavement, separation or conflict.
And then there’s the alcohol. It’s a great relaxant and can be a useful social lubricant. But its main action in the brain is as a depressant: it makes your brain’s frontal lobes drowsy. The result? Yes, less anxiety and tension but with that, the loss of inhibition – particularly of the tongue.
Your frontal lobes keep you in check. You don’t tell your aunt that her slinky lime green dress makes her look like an ice pop.
You don’t tell cousin Ralph that you’re not interested in hearing about his accumulated air miles and he’s boring the pants off you. And you suppress your outrage and choke back an angry riposte as an in-law goads you about the failings of your chosen profession. Boy, Christmas Day is a bad time to shut down the frontal lobes.
But it’s not just your tongue that they keep in check – it’s your emotions, too.
If you can keep your frontal lobes reasonably awake, even as those of others are slumbering, there are some useful tips about how to make the most of the day.
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Temper your expectations
This is a good way of harnessing the happiness equation. Prepare to go with the flow. Try to shake off any “ideal Christmas” expectations and instead enjoy the people, the food and the moment.
Have a plan
Games or quizzes can be a great form of distraction. They get people out of their own heads and out of their mental tram rails. Singing isn’t for everyone, but music has superpowers.
Don’t be bored, be grateful
Boredom says more about you than it does about the people you’re with. Every single human brain is utterly unique in the universe. If you can’t find a way into that uniqueness, then question your own curiosity and creativity. Spending the day with other human beings – this ancient pagan-Christian celebration of mid-winter – should make you grateful. Gratitude, like music, has superpowers in your brain.
Don’t be annoyed, be in control
If Uncle Pat, cheeks reddened with the third port, prods you with a comment that makes the anger rise inside you, don’t be provoked. Stay silent – a faint smile on your lips if possible – and watch Pat’s confusion rise. So long as you responded angrily as he intended, he was in control. But staying silent? Now you are in control.
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Ask leading questions
Cousin Mary has discovered anti-immigrant populism. Her Instagram feed has convinced her that Ireland is a failed state. Oh, and Covid was one big conspiracy. She doesn’t hold back from expressing views that you find repugnant. Things are not going well at Christmas dinner.
Of course, you need to argue back, show her how mistaken she is. Bad idea. Views like that tend to become part of someone’s identity. They aren’t logically-based propositions about the world. They are a uniform worn to give a sense of specialness – of having some secret, elite knowledge about the true state of the world.
Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive behaviour therapy, used “leading questions” to help people examine their underlying assumptions about the world. He did not directly challenge them (“of course, everyone is not against you!”) Rather, he would ask: “can you give me some examples of why you think everyone is against you?”
Try to ask questions like: “So how do you think this Covid conspiracy began? How do you think they orchestrated this? It sounds like a huge enterprise: what would be the rewards for doing this?”
Act as if for the last time
The Stoics advise us to live our lives as if each day is our last. How would you feel if this were the last opportunity you had to spend time with them? What would you ask them? What would you tell them? Nothing quite switches us out of our mental tram lines than feeling up close to mortality.
Locate the inner child
Even if there are no children around your Christmas table, try to tap into how they view the world. Research shows that doing this makes people feel more connected with the world and shrinks the self.
If you unhook yourself from your ego – make your self a little bit smaller – it will be much easier to tap into the joy, the sense of mystery and celebration that comes easily to children. Happy Christmas.
