We all know about drive-by shootings but what about the scourge of fly-by poopings? I’ve been living under a reign of aerial attacks for weeks now. An incontinent feathered enemy has been launching daily onslaughts on my car with a ferocious dedication that can only be admired and feared.
It began with a few white spatters on the windscreen and very soon the car had become the bird’s personal toilet. His scattergun approach ensures that no part of the car escapes and he also finds time in his busy schedule to attack the windows and mirrors with his beak and tail.
Moving the car made no difference. He cheerfully ignored the other cars in the vicinity and made a beeline for my blue jalopy. Hanging billowing plastic bags from the mirrors and windows minimised the attacks but he lurked nearby, knowing I would forget the defence system at some stage. And indeed I did. The car was left unprotected for five minutes one morning and upon return, he had done his worst. The car resembled one of Jackson Pollock’s finest abstract works.
It got so bad that I began keeping a bucket of water and sponge by the door to remove his handiwork so that I wouldn’t be publicly shamed for being the sort of person whose car attracted the wrath of a bird.
Despite his dedication to defacing my car, I have never caught him in the act so I don’t know if we are dealing with a giant hawk or a baby wren. Occasionally I tried to sneak out the door to ambush him but he was too fast for me. Never mind, his donations have begun to dwindle in recent days so I suspect he is tiring of triumphing over this hapless householder.
Still, things could be worse. At least he did not steal anything from me, apart from my sanity. It was a different story for the toddlers in a Japanese kindergarten in Fukuoka recently. Their indoor shoes were stored in cubbyholes and staff began noticing that they were disappearing overnight, one by one.
In what sounds like the plot of an animated movie, the kindergarten sought the help of police and they installed three security cameras to catch the thief with a footwear fetish. And indeed the thief did return and departed with a single shoe. When they checked the security footage, they discovered that the culprit was a weasel.
The most surprising thing about this story is the fact that the police went to such lengths to solve this crime. It seems that no crime is too small for the Japanese police force. Back in 2018, five Japanese police officers undertook a six-hour stakeout. Why, you ask? Was it to catch a serial killer? Intercept a massive shipment of drugs? No, they were trying to trap a thief who had stolen 40 pairs of shoes from eight homes in a neighbourhood in Nagaokakyo, Kyoto. The six-hour stakeout led police to the culprits – a pair of foxes who were taking the shoes to the garden of a vacant house and scattering them around their burrow.
Foxes are renowned thieves, as any beleaguered hen owner will tell you. And they are not choosy about what they steal. Several years ago, a British man living near Bromley was walking back from the grocery shop when he realised he was being followed by a fox. The animal had taken an inordinate interest in his shopping bag. Trying to shake him off, the man removed a stick of garlic bread from the bag and waved it in an aggressive fashion. But the fearless fox was not for budging and eventually the man sacrificed his garlic bread in order to escape. The shameless mugger ran away with the baguette between his jaws.
Hens and garlic bread aside, shoes seem to be the most desirable item for foxes around the world. Possibly the biggest epidemic of shoe theft was unmasked in Germany back in 2009. More than 120 shoes had been stolen by a fox, nicknamed Imelda after the Filipino first lady Imelda Marcos who had a penchant for shoes. Marcos’ ostentatious lifestyle at the expense of the Filipino people meant she favoured Gucci and Dior shoes but the other Imelda preferred more practical footwear. Photographs of her haul show that the vast majority of the shoes stolen were Crocs. This led some people in the anti-Croc camp to suggest that the fox was doing a public service and trying to save the neighbourhood from ugly footwear.
Now isn’t all this vulpine-related crime perfect fodder for Fox News? If they are not reporting on it, then what are they even for?
