Newton's Optic:The new Irish Chair of Tony Blair Studies has people running around in circles, writes Newton Emerson.
Dear Mr Emerson,
Thank you for your interest in the Irish Chair of Tony Blair Studies at Blackpool University. This post involves intra-mural and mural research from an Irish perspective across a wide range of Blairite disciplines, including:
History:
Is there a hand of history? Is it a left hand, a right hand or a third hand that no one has ever actually seen? Did Northern Ireland benefit from the long finger, or would it have been better to simply give it the finger? This research will be sponsored by Palmolive.
Identity:
How can Britain introduce a biometric identity card without a parallel scheme in Ireland, given that the Good Friday agreement guarantees equal status to British and Irish citizenship? Postgraduates are asked not to grow a beard while preparing their theses as prototype equipment could mistake them for Osama bin Laden.
Sexuality:
Is Ian Paisley jnr a pretty straight sort of guy?
Media Studies:
Commission a literature survey to establish how many times American newspapers have approvingly printed the phrase "Britain learned all about counter-insurgency techniques in Northern Ireland".
High-Energy Physics:
Examine methods of accelerating a projectile to 6,064km/h (3,768mph), such that it could travel between Baghdad and Belfast in 45 minutes, using only sand, camel dung and UN baby milk powder.
Law:
What restrictions should be placed on Stormont if it gets an Asbo? Is it easier to dismiss the murder of a solicitor if you are married to a barrister? Can pre-natal DNA screening tell if someone is likely to break the 1925 Honours Act? Academic peer review should be tough on these questions and tough on the causes of these questions.
Ethics:
Saudi research funding has not yet been secured for this discipline.
Religion:
Does delaying a conversion to Catholicism imply some sense of shame? Or does conversion to Catholicism just require some sense of shame?
Logic:
Assemblies A, B and C are a subset of Parliament X in Country Y. Can the relationship between these variables be formalised? If not, can the whole thing be blamed on Alex Salmond?
Biology:
Show that the theory of devolution refutes the theory of intelligent design.
Psychology:
What is the effect on morale in the workplace when a senior manager spreads rumours that a rival manager is "psychologically flawed"? If the senior manager was formerly in a band called "Ugly Rumours", could there be a subconscious connection? Put your findings in an Irish context by grossly under-paying your secretary.
Education:
Education, education.
Politics:
Do not go into the Politics Department to party. Go into the Politics Department to change the country. Watch out for the one-way system in the car-park. You have no reverse gear. This is a department of research. You must lead it as a department of research. To us, you are the people's professor.
Please complete the online application form and return it to our PFI-outsourced Human Resources Department, enclosing a cheque for £1,000 to be paid annually for the next 25 years regardless of success in the final interview. Nothing will appear on your credit card statement.
Yours sincerely,
Dr Pat Answer,
Dean of Lost Faculties,
Blackpool University